Marcia Gloster's Blog

When I recently googled “marriage,” the search results included countless blogs, books and websites offering advice for a myriad of marital problems. The website Brainyquote offered up deeply felt quotes from notables and philosophers like Martin Luther: There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage. I also found jokes and wry comments lamenting the sorry state of marriage, also (surprisingly) by notables, e.g., Abraham Lincoln: Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory, and Socrates: By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. And is there anyone who doesn’t get “funny” emails about men watching their wife’s hearse go by as they continue their golf game?

I mentioned this at a dinner party recently and everyone laughed, as if a bit uncomfortable. I asked about the most important elements for successful cohabitation or marriage, every woman at the table immediately responded “communication.” When I mentioned “expectation,” practically every one of the men jumped out of their chairs.

Nevertheless, I think we can agree that most romantic relationships begin pretty much the same: attraction, connection, lust, love, and so forth. Our bodies mix up a strong cocktail of pheromones, dopamine and other natural chemicals and we exude enough happiness for the entire universe. We float on puffy pink clouds of desire. In love, we become twenty again. Then we go on to discover one another, the real “other”—the one we expect to communicate with. Eventually, somewhere between the romance and the reality, other expectations creep in. (Cue the advice books, blogs and harsh jokes.)

After quite a few romances and more than a couple of marriages, I am well aware that with each new relationship we tend to forget the lessons of the ones before. In my novel I Love You Today, Maddie looks at Rob with blind love, putting aside his lies and the fact that he’s left another woman for her. She sees him as her soul mate and he promises that there will be no ending to this ideal relationship between two people who supposedly communicate on every level. One of the primary problems lies with their expectations. She expects him to honor his promise, and later his marriage vows, while he is fully aware that he can’t. He expects, in turn, that she will be there for him no matter his trespasses. How often do we enter into so-called committed relationships without asking ourselves the right questions, or any questions at all? We may perceive problems but overlook them, expecting our partner, or even ourselves to change. We allow ourselves to be blinded by love.

In retrospect, I believe my very best relationship may have been the one I wrote about in my memoir, 31 Days. It lasted exactly one month and I knew, from the outset, the very day it would end. Although I fell in love, and was desolate when the last day arrived, I also walked away feeling stronger and more confident. There were moments, after we returned to our respective homes on different continents, when I fantasized about moving abroad to marry this man, but I always knew that was impossible. He was intelligent and sensual and totally committed to his freedom. He could never change, nor would I have wanted him to. I knew I would end up expecting too much from him and the very act of wanting and expecting would eventually leave me heartbroken.

There were valuable lessons for me in that affair—to take the person you love as they are, to look at them with clear eyes and not to read into their thoughts. I learned that problems evident early in relationships don’t usually go away; the change we desire rarely occurs. Most importantly, though, I learned not to have expectations, even in marriage. The more we expect, the more likely we are to fail.

—Marcia Gloster, author of 31 Days: A Memoir of Seduction and I Love You Today

I woke up slowly, feeling Bill’s hand gently stroking my hair. Outside, it was just becoming light; the only sound the subtle staccato of rain hitting the window. Warm and comfortable in the softness of the bed, I moved closer to him. My eyes barely open, I saw him looking at me with an unusual intensity, his eyes amber in the reflected glow of dawn. As he slowly began making love to me, I relaxed in his arms. It was a transcendent moment of perfection beyond time and place—ethereal yet fleeting in a pure expression of desire and affection.

~ ~ ~

It was light outside when we awoke again, this time to Kraks making noise in the other room. Alarmed, I looked at Bill. He laughed and looked at his watch. It was after eight. “It’s late,” he said, kissing me. “Get dressed and I’ll get him out of the way. I’ll see you later.”

“Okay,” I said, gathering up my clothes.

He put on his pants and left the room. I dressed quickly, cautiously opened the door, and peeked out. Seeing Kraks’s door was partially closed, I ran into the bathroom.

Looking in the mirror, I laughed. I looked happily disheveled. Splashing cold water on my face, I rinsed my mouth with toothpaste and took a comb out of my small bag, running it through my hair until I was presentable. I looked out again, hearing Bill and Kraks talking in the other room. Letting myself out of the flat, I ran down the stairs, thinking I should have just faced Kraks. But after such a perfect night I didn’t want him bellowing at me.

~ ~ ~

The morning was bright but cold after last night’s rain. As I shrugged on my sweater, I couldn’t stop thinking about the afternoon and night. From his asking me to help choose the drawings to what he had said after we made love, Bill had been beyond affectionate, even loving. My only problem was that the intimacy of our hours together was making it almost impossible to control my emotions—emotions I had managed to keep in check for most of the summer. Meanwhile, the pragmatic part of my mind recognized that while the romance was lovely, it was at best momentary. It was the rest of the relationship that was still the problem and always would be. While I consciously savored those moments, I was also aware that it would end all too soon. I would always wish that the fantasy could have become the reality.

But today was for being happy and allowing myself to love him, if only for the moment. I didn’t want to think beyond this week. I put on my sunglasses and practically ran back to the flat, arriving just as Kate was about to leave.


Excerpted from 31 Days: A Memoir of Seduction by Marcia Gloster, published by The Story Plant. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. Copyright ©2014 Marcia Gloster. All rights reserved.

“Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly…” —Unknown

When I was 20, I met an older man while spending a summer in Europe. It was lust at first sight. Our attraction was so strong that we fell into bed almost immediately. Once we began to talk, we discovered we had quite a lot in common. It wasn’t only that we were artists; our life philosophy was essentially the same, although his, since he was older, was more developed than mine. Often after making love, we’d stay up talking into the early hours of the morning. He taught me about painting, the life of a working artist, what it meant to live completely on one’s own terms.

It was a complicated affair from the start—he lived in London and I in New York; he was married and I was single—and we knew from the outset that we would only have a limited time together. While many people have remarked that my relationship with this man couldn’t have been very fulfilling—after all there were no long-term plans, much less a ring—they are very wrong. I had no desire for any of those things. Sure, I wished I could have been with him longer, but I recognized it for what it was and chose it anyway. Looking back, all these years later, I wouldn’t do a single thing differently. That month, however fleeting, changed my life.

The truth is that no matter what anyone advises you, there are no hard and fast rules. (Fortunately, I’m not alone in suggesting that it’s time to adopt some new guidelines.) Even if you already have self-imposed rules, consider allowing yourself to throw them to the wind and trust your instincts. No matter what your age, if you are open to the possibilities in life, you’ll get a lot more than just going for the brass ring, which, by the way, may occasionally be gold, but all too often turns out to be lead.

—Marcia Gloster, author of 31 Days: A Memoir of Seduction

The finale of Mad Men is the talk of the town. It’s hardly surprising—Entertainment Weekly has called the show, “the TV-taste status symbol of the moment.”

So what is everyone saying? In a tribute to Mad Men’s impact on its industry, Ad Week quotes Stuart Elliott, the recently retired New York Times advertising columnist: “Half of the people I talk to from that era are very hard-core fans of the show and say that it is exactly what it was like then. And half say the show was completely phony and drummed up for dramatic purposes.”

I’ve thought a lot about the specifics of the Mad Men era—it is the setting for the novel I am currently writing—and I find myself with a foot in both camps. While there are times when details or situations seem exaggerated for dramatic effect, overall, the show is wonderfully evocative of my early days in New York.

“The boys in the bullpen”

In 1964, just out of Rhode Island School of Design, I was determinately in search of a job as an assistant art director in New York.The women in my class had been warned that, despite being artists, we would likely have to start (and hopefully not get trapped) as someone’s secretary. I vowed that would never happen, and it didn’t. But I interviewed extensively before being hired as assistant to the art director at Bride’s magazine.

At one large ad agency I was informed they couldn’t possibly hire me because “the boys in the bullpen,” where all assistants typically began, would feel inhibited about cursing in front of a girl and, as a result, their work would suffer. The bearer of this news was a senior partner at the agency and the perfect image of the Mad Man of the era. At the time I didn’t even realize I had been discriminated against; I doubt the word was even in my vocabulary.

Sexy and sexist

In the mid 1960s, hemlines were rising rapidly and all the young women I knew and worked with shortened their dresses on an almost monthly basis. Each time I see Peggy, I’m dismayed at her outfits. The girls walking by in the hallways are far more representative of the time than the women with speaking parts, who by the way, seem to be based on Barbie dolls. I have no recall of anyone, especially of Peggy’s age, repressed or not, dressing quite like her. While the older women I knew, mostly editors and writers, dressed conservatively, they were far more stylish and never looked as dowdy as Peggy.

Since the show began, I’ve had many people ask me about the sexism. While it’s a fact that men’s attitudes towards women were condescending, I never experienced anything like what happens to Joan, nor did I know anyone who encountered anything so blatantly overt. True, Joan’s an imposing and sexy figure, but the mean spirited jibes she receives are exaggerated. That men spoke that way was, and is still, obvious. I heard plenty of innuendos, though nothing so extreme as Joan’s treatment by the men at her meeting (with Peggy) at McCann. Nevertheless, as in Joan’s meeting with the president of McCann, it is true that they were routinely chauvinistic, crass and dismissive.

Most of us managed to shake off unpleasant remarks with humor. One of my bosses at a fashion magazine liked to walk potential advertisers past the art department whispering, “Have a look at my art director.” Did he think I didn’t hear him? And yet we kept our comments to ourselves. There was no other way; men were in charge. That said, they could be easily influenced: in those years, I wore mini skirts whenever I was interviewing with a man, and more often than not, all presentations being equal, I got the job. (My apology to feminists.)

The advertising business was at its creative peak in the 1960s and Mad Men portrays it well. For me, the “Lost Horizon” episode that aired on May 3rd could have been a perfect ending: Roger and Peggy alone in their shattered and abandoned office blitzed on Vermouth. Roger zoned out and playing the organ as Peggy, with unexpected grace, circles him on roller skates. A surreal scene for a surreal story of a surreal profession.

—Marcia Gloster, author of 31 Days: A Memoir of Seduction

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."  —Robert Frost

Since I wrote a memoir about an affair with a married man, many people have asked me if I sanction such a relationship. My answer is always “No.” However, as a realist, I know there are times when you meet someone who attracts you and with whom you feel an immediate and instinctive connection.

I’ll leave it to Dr. Phil and others to tell you, in no uncertain terms—don’t do it! Essentially they are correct, but if you’ve already said to yourself, “Let’s just see where this will lead,” you’ll need to know how to navigate such a relationship and come out of it with your self-respect intact. (No guarantees about pain, however, and that’s something to think seriously about.)

“The best ones are all taken,” is a phrase I hear frequently. While it isn’t so, it may often seem that way. And a married man who has you in his sights can be very seductive. But be aware that within that seduction there are caveats, e.g., he expects no demands. After all, you are both well aware that he returns to his wife and family at the end of the day.

He may tell you that he loves you, and that may well be true. After all, love and marriage are not necessarily synonymous. Your challenge is to not go off the deep end and fall hopelessly in love with him. Love is a good thing, but please try to keep it real. Why? First, it is doubtful that he’s ever going to leave home. (A well-known Rutgers study noted that 56% of men who had affairs reported they were happy in their marriages.) Second, if he does, it’s highly likely that he’ll do the same to you as he’s now doing to his wife.

I speak from experience. Years ago I had an affair with a married a man who eventually left his wife. He said he had been unhappy for a long time, and I, perhaps a bit naively, really wanted to believe him. A few months later, he told me I was the love of his life, his soul mate and muse, and we would always be together. When he asked me to marry him, I did believe him. Yet, one night, only four months after we married, he didn’t come home. It was the first of many, and I will spare you the excuses.

Do I regret it? I did then, because three years later the marriage ended in anger and resentment. And while it wasn’t the last time I went out with a married man, I learned my lessons well. I will now share those lessons with you:

Stay away from discussion of wife, home, and family. You have no clue how real any of it is, and the less you know, the less there is for you to question and therefore think about.

Don’t ask him to leave home. That’s his decision, and the only way it works is if it’s his idea. Don’t ask and don’t ever nag (true for all relationships); the anxiety it creates will affect you far more than him. You don’t want to continually ask yourself, “Should I have said that?”

Relish the moment. Then put it away in a nicely furnished room in your mind. Close the door and return to your everyday life. After a couple of days, the intense emotions will subside and you’ll be able to think straight. At least until the next time.

Be cautious. Do not call him—unless it’s legitimate business. Let him come to you. Look at your phone, but do not pick it up. Wait. If you’re anxious, he’ll pick up on it and it will create tension. It might even make him back off.
If he doesn’t call for a few days, let it be. He will. He wants this affair. Keep texts and emails short and delete, delete, delete. If you’re in a relationship of your own, you don’t want to slip up.

And finally, don’t let him intimidate you by saying he’s jealous that you’re dating. Keep your outside activities going; they are real and they help maintain your balance. And don’t forget where he ends up every day—in bed with his wife.

Most important is to recognize the relationship for what it is—the passion of a stolen moment. Talk about things you are both interested in, not about your husband (if you’re married) or his wife. As difficult as it may be, keep your emotions under control and have no expectations. If you can enjoy, even treasure the moment, and then tuck it away until the next time, you just might survive it.

—Marcia Gloster, author of 31 Days: A Memoir of Seduction