K. Wendt's Blog

Time and The Lack There Of

            Remember how the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland was always running, saying, “I’m late! I’m late! I’m late for a very important date!”?

Well, I’m not exactly late for an important date, but for the past couple of years I have felt like I do nothing but chase time. I’m constantly going, constantly doing, and constantly moving.

Now, before you say, “great, this is a pity party blog”, it is not! I’m off from my day job today and found myself doing what I always do…trying to fit in every possible thing I could so that I could accomplish at least one thing on my to do list. Oh and, also have some sort of “author time” today as well.

Normally, I get up and get going because I know I have to use every minute my body has the energy for, but for the past couple of weeks, I have been unable to move at my normal pace. I’m not quite sure why. Well, I might have some idea…and it’s all my fault.

I have mentioned a few times that I attended three different conferences this summer. Each one gave me valuable information to walk away with. Since coming home from the last one, the feeling of needing to beat the clock has been very strong and instead of pushing me to move forward, it has caused me to drag a little.

It all comes down to seeing what I have to do to push myself in order to make my dream a full reality and feeling very inadequate to do so.

I know I have come a lot further on this journey than many people do. I am thankful for all I have accomplished so far and all the wonderful people I have met along the way. But, still I fight the clock to get to that next step, that next turn on the journey.

I use the excuse of life getting in the way a lot and that’s about 95% true. The reality is that I am fearful that I am not as good at this whole writing thing as I believe. What if I have been forcing myself down the wrong path all this time? What if all those people who love the story are saying that just to be kind?

I always say I can’t breathe unless I’m writing. So, I do believe writing and I are supposed to be one together. But, it’s hard to get over the bumps of fear sometimes, especially when you have to do something you’ve never done before.

I will press on. I have to. It’s who I am and it’s the dream I have. To not chase it, would be denying who I am and I will chase time for as long as necessary to do it.

Stepping Back 

First, let me apologize for not putting a blog out the past two weeks. Life likes to get in the way sometimes! Hopefully, now, things have settled down and I continue to move forward.

During the past two weeks, I spent a few days at my final author conference for the summer. Once again, I learned some amazing things and now I’m trying to process through it all.

So why title this stepping back if it seems I’m moving forward?

Sometimes, the hardest lessons are the ones where you learn a few reasons why your book isn’t getting traction and the numbers and sales aren’t happening.

Did I have a bit of a pity party when I discovered these reasons? Yes…for about five minutes.

The great thing about this conference is that there were people there to catch you when you fell. Emma may not be what she should be right now (and since I decided to turn her into a series that is actually okay), but she will be thanks to a graphic designer I met. He took the time to explain to me what needed to be done. Can’t wait to get started with him!

I also had the pleasure of meeting an author who likes to give back. What I mean is this…I was told by three different people I needed to talk to her because of my new plan for Emma. Thanks to her taking the time with me, I have an amazing series mapped out and can’t wait to get it going (Okay, I know I should have started already. Did I mention I’m still trying to get back to normal?) She’s also agreed to be my mentor during this process. I feel really lucky to have her on my team.

There are a lot of other things going on as well…

I’m redoing my website. I’m pulling my books that have already been done and starting over. I’m going to reach out to more opportunities for events. I am working on a creating a team of people that will help me move this journey forward in a positive way.

So, yes, in a way I’m having to step back in order to move forward again. It’ll be worth it though, I think. I’m hoping so, anyway. One lesson I have learned in all of this is that you can’t move without being willing to correct a few mistakes. So, here I go!

Processing Part Two

            Oh, where do I begin with this one?? I could tell you about the thirty something stories sitting behind me waiting for me to add something to each one. Or I could tell you about the business side of things and how hard it is to write something technical and formatted, like a synopsis. Instead, I’m going to express something to you that I find very infuriating.

During this past week, I had to give the audiobook people some information. Among the information they wanted was my platform numbers. For those of you who don’t know, they were asking for my social media numbers. As I realized this was yet another area of the author world where those stupid numbers mattered, I proceeded to do what I do best. I flipped out in pure red-headed-I’m-going-nowhere fashion because I just don’t have the numbers the “big people” of the author world want.

So, I went to my Facebook and begged for numbers. Thanks to my sister sharing my post and begging along with me, I got a few more numbers there. Yay! But, it still wasn’t enough. So, for today’s blog, I’m choosing to express to you how much I hate those numbers and the reliance of success placed upon them.

There is a show called The Black Mirror, I’ve heard a few different people speak about one episode where everything a person got to do was based on how many stars they had. As people spoke with a slight tone of fear in their voice about how real this could one day be, they didn’t seem to realize it already exists in the world of artists. Any artist be they writer, painter, or musician need those numbers to take an enormous step forward in their career.

To give you another example of what I’m trying so hard to express, there is a local band here where I live that I enjoy listening to. Whenever I get the chance to attend one of their performances, I put it on social media and tag them because I want them to get the numbers. Their goals may be different than mine, but the numbers help them to have an opportunity of more people listening to their music, attending their shows, and buying their “swag”.

I don’t just do this for the band. I do it for anyone whose craft I believe in because I understand the importance of it and maybe if I help just a little, they won’t have to beg for their numbers like I have found myself doing for mine.

Now, let’s get this clear. While I would love for you to actually sign up on my website to receive my blog, because yes that number matters too, I’m not asking you to do so. I’m done asking. I can’t make anyone click the button. I want the clicks because my work is enjoyed, not because I forced it. That’s also why I won’t “buy” followers. I just don’t believe there is any kind of right to doing that.

What I will say as I end this is this…If you have a favorite author, band, painter, whatever, give them a like somehow somewhere on their social media. Every individual click is a giant step forward.

Okay, I’ll get off my soapbox now and say goodnight. Please understand that ultimately, I really hate the numbers and wish we could go back to when talent mattered.

 Hey everyone! Hope you all had a great July! Now, let’s get blogging!

Processing

            Last weekend, I attended the Texas Authors Marketing Event for the third year in a row. In June, I attended the Writer’s League of Texas Agents and Editors conference. At the end of this month, I will be attending yet another conference.

            Why so many you ask? Because each one offers something uniquely different than the others. There are constant changes happening in the author world and it’s nice to attend conferences that try to update authors on the new do’s and don’ts and what have you.

            To give you an idea of what particular things grabbed my attention, I have decided to dedicate this month’s blogs to walking you through the process with me. Maybe it will help you somehow, whether you intend to be an author or not. Here’s a quick overview of what I’m trying to work my way through…

            I am currently looking for an agent…or two. Since I write in more than one genre, I have to be aware that most agents won’t represent more than one of my genres. I also have to grow some pretty thick skin as I am on the reject road until the right agent says yes. It will more than likely take more than one attempt to get the yes I am looking for. Thanks to the conferences, I’m fine tuning all the required documents to send in and taking each rejection as a positive step forward (easier said than done).

            One thing happening as a result of one of the conferences that I’m excited about is, “Emma’s Journey”, will finally become an audio book. I’m very excited about this amazing step forward. Speaking of which, I’m on a deadline to review a couple of things for that. So, I’ll say good night to you all here.

            I can’t wait to share the rest with you!

I have decided to stop the “Alpine” story on the blog. It has reached a point where I need to fine tune and enhance the story so it can indeed become a book. I hope you have enjoyed what I shared with you. I appreciate all the comments that were made on it. I’m also taking a break as of now. The rest of June for me is quite busy and I will be taking off the entire month of July. I hope you all have a wonderful summer. I’ll see you all again in August.-K-

What the hell am I doing? Jen chided herself as Thomas kissed her. This isn’t what she wanted. Was it? Maybe? She didn’t know. She didn’t know what she wanted anymore. She had spent so long wondering what if and now she wasn’t sure she ever wanted to know. But, his kiss felt and tasted just as good as it had all those years ago. Memories flooded her mind of cloudless nights sitting on the hood of his car in this very spot. A time when the world seemed to only consist of the them. Those moments had seemed frozen in time back then.

And now?

Jen broke from the kiss, pushed herself away slightly, and looked up into the brown eyes of the man she had once truly loved.

“What’s happening here?” she asked him.

Thomas still had his arms around her.

“I’m not sure,” he told her.

Jen realized her hands were still resting on his chest. She suddenly didn’t know what to do with them and began to fidget. Thomas smiled, took one of her hands, and led them back to the table they had been sitting on, this time sitting on the bench facing each other instead of the table top.

She allowed him to take her hand again. He played with her fingers gently as he laced them through his own, neither of them seemed to know what to say next. Finally, Jen spoke.

“I heard you were divorced,” she said. “Tell me about that. I didn’t even know you had ever married.”

Thomas sighed before he spoke.

“Carrie was a great woman,” he started.

Jen jerked her hand away reflexively. She wasn’t sure why she did that, but she had been surprised by the way he had started talking about his now ex-wife. Thomas took her hand back and covered it with both of his as he continued to speak.

“I met her through one of my coworkers,” he continued. “She worked for one of the banks in town. I wasn’t looking to date anyone serious when we met, but we seemed to hit it off pretty well and things progressed from there. A year later, I asked her to marry me. Six months after that, we were married.”

Jen noticed his voice softened as he looked at her.

“Long story short,” he said softly. “She decided I wasn’t good enough for her because I already had a spouse. I’d been married to my job for a while trying to climb the all important career ladder.”

“So, that’s what broke up your marriage?” She asked, “your job?”

Thomas looked down at their hands.

“Yeah, turns out I was the one who couldn’t be a good spouse and live in the corporate world I do at the same time.”

They sat in silence as Jen took all of this in. She looked at him as she thought about everything. The Thomas she knew existed had been buried when he decided it was better to chase his dream and career, but she could see a little bit of him now as she looked at him. He was like everyone else, he wanted and needed love. He just didn’t quite know how to keep it once he had it. Thomas broke the silence.

“That was five years ago,” he told her.

“Do you have kids?” she asked.

“No, and I’m actually thankful for that seeing how things turned out.”

Thomas took a deep breath, tightened his hold on her hand just slightly, and looked at her.

“The last five years have been very hard for me. I didn’t want to believe I would be the reason for our marriage to fail, but as time moved further and further away from it, I could see it. I was in a way a workaholic. I had obtained an executive position in the company and that still didn’t seem good enough. It’s only been in these last couple of years that I’ve decided to enjoy life a little more. I’ve changed my work schedule some, I exercise daily, and things like that.”

“Have you started dating again?” she asked him.

“Here and there, friends will set me up with dates, but not really,” He answered. “How about you?”

“It’s the same for me. I go on dates here and there, but not really,” she said. “I was really hurt by the way you left things. It took me a long time to get over it. Well, maybe I never actually got over it because every time things seemed to be getting serious, I ended it.”

Thomas reached over and hugged her. She hugged him back, this time fully enjoying the feel of his arms around her and the security of his embrace. This was the man she had loved.

He took his time walking up to her. Nobody understood the emotions and memories she stirred in him when he had seen her at the game. So many questions have been going through his mind in the last forty-eight hours, he wasn’t sure himself what he was doing. He just knew he was doing it.

            Thomas eased his way around the picnic table and hopped up next to Jen. She didn’t move, didn’t look his way, didn’t even speak, she just sat there holding a box in her lap. He noticed a faint hint of smoke rising from the nearby barbeque pit. He turned where he could see her fully, putting one leg on the table top, with the opposite foot resting on the bench seat.

            Taking a breath, he whispered, “Jen.”

            She looked at him then, her face caked with stains of fresh tears. Jen still didn’t speak. She just looked at him as though she were searching for something.

                        “Jen,” Thomas said again softly.

            Finally, Jen spoke.

                        “Why are you here, Thomas?” she asked.

            This time it was Thomas who was silent, but after a minute he finally decided to answer. It was time to be completely honest with her.

                        “I don’t know,” he told her.

            Jen shuffled slightly, repositioning herself to look at him better.

                        “What does that mean?” she asked.

                        “Just what it means,” he said. “I don’t know why I’m here.”

            Jen hopped down off the table then, leaving the box she had been holding on the table. Thomas was curious what was in the box, but when he looked at her again, he knew. She stood before him with her hands on her hips as though she was about to unleash on him. It was then, that he noticed the stone on the chain around her neck. There was no mistaking the heart shape turquois stone had originated in a certain silver band that once would have fit her finger.

            Thomas hopped off the table and closed the distance between them. It was time to have the conversation that was twenty years too late. Instinctively, he reached out and placed his hands on her arms just below her elbows. For a second, Thomas closed his eyes and allowed himself to remember how good it felt to touch her, to feel her. To his surprise, she didn’t pull away. Instead, she rested her hands lightly on his chest and looked up at him.

                        “Talk to me, Thomas,” she said. “There’s no one else here. It’s time to be completely honest and talk to me…like you used to.”

            With that, Thomas gave completely in and let out a breath as he put his arms completely around her, resting his forehead on hers, and looking into her eyes.

                        “I was scared, Jen,” he told her. “I wanted to marry you, I really did, but we were still so young and had so much ahead of us. I didn’t want to get to this point and wish we hadn’t married so young. I thought I was doing what was best for both of us and I was also selfishly chasing after my own dreams, but I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that.”

            Jen lifted her head toward him a little more.

                        “There was nothing wrong with any of that,” she said. “You were wrong by not sharing all this with me then, instead of choosing to be an ass and making me feel like I wasn’t good enough for you and your dreams. If you had just told me and been honest with me, I would have understood…eventually, because, yes it still would have hurt, but I would have come to understand why you made your choice. I deserved that much because I was willing to follow you anywhere if you had let me. I loved you. Even now, there is part of me that feels something for you. You were my first love, feelings like that don’t go away. They change over time, but they don’t go away.”

            Thomas was amazed at her response. That was the Jen he had known in college speaking. She hadn’t changed all that much over the years. Her feelings had always been raw and caring. He liked knowing that hadn’t changed about her.

                        “Are you sure Aaron wasn’t your first love?” he teased.

            The look on her face made him laugh.

                        “Good ole, Jen,” he said as he lowered his lips toward hers. “You never were good at hiding your thoughts from your face.”

            He kissed her then, softly, tasting her for the first time in twenty years. Thankfully, she received his kiss without hesitation and wrapped her arms around his neck, allowing the kiss to deepen.

Thomas decided he and Mike needed some distance after he took a much-needed shower to wash away the events of the night before. He grabbed the rental keys from the bar that separated Mike’s kitchen from the rest of the apartment.

“I’ll be back later,” he told Mike as he headed for the door.

Mike just looked up from where he sat on his couch with his laptop and nodded.

Thomas made his way to the four door sedan he had rented at the airport in Midland before making the rest of the trip to Alpine. Once he was settled in, Thomas put the car in gear and pulled out of the apartment complex.

Letting his memory guide him, Thomas knew exactly where he was going. It was the one spot that Thomas felt at peace. It was a place he had wished many times over the years he could escape back to. He needed to think. He needed to figure things out for himself. Why had he come back? He had told himself it was because he wanted to see Jen. The phone call from that Will guy had made him curious about her again. Not that she hadn’t entered his mind several times over the years.

Over the last year, he had found himself questioning if he was truly happy with how his life had turned out so far. He didn’t want to admit it, but there were a few things he definitely would have done differently twenty years ago. But, he didn’t know. Nobody knew their future then and he believed he had made the right decisions. It wasn’t right to ask Jen to marry him when so much of their lives was still ahead them. No matter how much he had wanted to, it wasn’t right to ask her. He still believed that today. He didn’t know seeing her twenty years later would bring back everything he had felt for her back then. Twenty years too late, as everyone said.

Thomas eased his way to point in the curve where he could pull off and park. He had come to this curve many times when he attended Sul Ross. It was a place where he connected with God, the earth, and himself. It was also the place he had shared with one of the most important people in his life. So, he shouldn’t have been surprised as he put the car in park, to see a woman sitting on top of one of the tables facing away from him letting her long red hair blow behind her in the wind.

Chapter Fifteen

             Mike waited for the deputy to give Thomas back his personal items. Running on lack of sleep and anger he currently felt toward his friend, Mike tried hard to keep himself in check while they were in the police station. Once the deputy said Thomas was free to go, the two men walked quickly out of the building.

            As they made their way to the car, Mike to the time to silently observe Thomas in an attempt to gauge his demeanor. Thomas seemed none the worse for wear save the bruising around his eye and swollen cheek. Maybe he remembered to duck more often this time so he wouldn’t get quite the ass whooping Aaron had given him twenty years ago, Mike thought to himself as they got into the car. Once buckled into the passenger seat, Thomas turned to Mike to thank him.

                        “Hey, thanks for bailing me out,” Thomas said, “but why didn’t you come last night?”

            Mike looked sideways at Thomas as they made their way back to his apartment.

                        “I felt like you needed some cooling off time,” Mike said.

                        “I didn’t start the fight.” Thomas said defensively.

                        “Yeah you did.”

                        “No, I didn’t,” Thomas explained. “Aaron came at me.”

                        “The only reason Aaron came at you is because, like everyone else, he’s trying to figure out what the hell you’re doing here.” Mike told him.

                        “Why does it matter to everyone why I came back?” Thomas asked.

            Mike slowed to a stop at a red light. He turned in his seat and faced the man he once considered to be his best friend.

                        “Stop playing dumb, Thomas,” Mike released the brake and continued toward his apartment. “You know you ripped Jen apart leaving her the way you did. The few friends you guys shared had a hard time accepting you as her boyfriend way before you did that to her, but once your arrogant ass pulled that stunt, I gotta tell you buddy, I didn’t even like you for awhile after that.”

                        “Why is everybody stuck in the past?” Thomas let out a sigh. “People move on, mistakes or not, in their lives. Why keep harping on what happened? We were college sweethearts, sure, but not all college sweethearts get married.” Mike pulled his car into his assigned parking space in the complex. “And why the hell is not okay that I chose to figure out my life before proposing to any woman and making them my wife?”

            Thomas got of out of the car, slamming the door behind him. Mike tried not to get on him for doing that. As they made their way up to his apartment, Mike tried once more to get through to his friend.

                        “It’s because of the way you did it man.” Mike said. “If you had no intentions of making Jen your wife, you should have never let the relationship get as heavy as it did. Everyone expected it, not just Jen.”

            Mike put the key in the door and unlocked it. When they got inside, Mike continued.

                        “As for that crack about figuring out your future…I get that. It’s just a shame you didn’t realize you had a great future walking beside you that whole time.” Mike went into the kitchen to make them some brunch. “No, you were Mr. Know It All and instead of keeping one of the best things you had going for you by your side while you figured out your future, you tossed her to the curb like she had meant nothing to you the entire time.”

            Mike cracked some eggs and put them in a pan to fry. He turned to Thomas who was slumped up against the opposite corner with one leg crossed in front of the other and his arms folded across his chest. Mike shrugged his shoulders at him.

                        “You were a man with a plan,” he said. “Tell how did that work out for you? You’ve been divorced how many years now?”

Please forgive me, but there will not be an Alpine update today. Taking a break and enjoying the day at the beach with my kids. I will continue the Alpine story next week.