Ian Strang's Blog - Posts Tagged "beards"

The future turned out to be just as awful as everyone had predicted. There was trash everywhere, there was dirt in everyone's fingernails and the air has a persistent garlic smell to it like how it was in your first apartment building where your neighbors were from the Eastern part of some god-forsaken country and were cooking garlic twenty four hours a day because that's how it's been done for generations. There was a bronze haze that hung over New Delta-Bravo-Echo City like an old, dirty quilt covering an old woman's legs. Most of the buildings were crumbling except for the corporate buildings, which were shiny and new and towered high over the crime-ridden streets, safe and sound up in the sky. The corporate bosses usually got around in their sleek, high-powered helicopters, jumping from building top to building top without ever having to come face to face with the reality of the streets or whoever was cooking all that garlic.
Kilfuddrick's was a landmark pub in that it was established before the government divided up the city into sectors. The dark wood walls and ceiling absorbed the warm glow of the incandescent lights and was marinated in years of spilled alcohol and beer giving the place a well-seasoned flavor. Hand painted pictures of famous Irish people adorned just about every square inch of the long wall opposite the bar.
Three bearded men, Burt, Jim and Ned, sat at the bar nursing three lovely pints of Guinness.
"Boy," Burt began, "I gotta tell you guys, these beards are great."
"Aren't they?" Jim asked rhetorically.
Ned made the agreement unanimous, "I'm so glad we decided not to listen to our wives and grow 'em."
A further glance around the bar revealed that every man in the place had large, fully-grown beards. It was as if there was a Grizzly Adams convention being held there.
"Seriously," Burt continued, "it's so easy just to get up in the morning and not have to worry about shaving."
"I can catch an extra ten minutes of snooze time before I go to work," Jim said proudly.
"Besides," Ned concluded, "we look more manly with these things."
Both Jim and Burt wholeheartedly concurred.
"And surly."
"And macho."
Burt started getting a little deeper, "And isn't that what it's all about? Huh? I mean, I've been shavin' for years and where has it gotten me?" He made a 'zero' sign with his thumb and forefinger, "Nowhere."
"Also, I don't have to spend as much money on shaving cream and razors. I'm actually saving money by not shaving," said Ned, who was the money saver of the three.
"Right," Jim agreed, "and you're also not giving your money to the big shaving cream corporations, making them richer and more powerful."
Burt swayed a bit as the alcohol was beginning to settle in for a night of killing brain cells, "Yeah, as if they weren't rich enough already." He took a gulp and ordered another round of Guinness.
Jim and Ned both reached the same conclusions in their heads.
"Yeah."
"Right."
They all had a good inebriated laugh, sitting there thinking about their lives in that city they lived in where people like them had absolutely no chance in hell of ever making anything of themselves other than a regular schmuck. They laughed and laughed as their heads got lower and lower and they rested their gazes on the thick, brown stout in their glasses.
Ned stared at the foam of microscopic bubbles that slowly slid down the inside of his half empty glass, "Stupid wives."

About a half mile down the street rising up way above a cluster of pathetic- looking buildings was a deep black, glass and steel tower that was about fifty stories tall. It nearly pierced the ominous black clouds that had gathered overhead and were producing frightening bolts of lightening that ripped the air open and then slammed it shut, booming thunder across the entire valley for miles. Up on the very top floor was a large sign that glowed brightly in twenty-foot letters that could be read all the way from the other side of the valley that said SHAVING CREAM WORLD HEADQUARTERS. This was, of course, the shaving cream world headquarters.

Most of the uppermost floor was dedicated to the office of Adolph Steadicam who was the iron-fisted President of Shaving Cream. He controlled the shaving cream industry and its multiple lobbies throughout most of the world from this very building. Only Tanzania had been a difficult market for him but he vowed to crack it before the end of the century. Adolph had just celebrated his sixtieth birthday but his driver's license still claimed that he was twenty-two.


Adolph's vast modern office and would look empty if it weren't for the two low chairs that sat in front of a sleek, black desk. The desk was stylishly placed near a floor to ceiling window that provided a view the unhealthy looking city whose decrepit buildings popped up from the ground like pimples on a teenager's forehead and telephone poles and wires looked like someone put something in the trunk of their car that was way too big so then used about ten miles of twine to secure it so they could get it home somehow. Adolph sat comfortably in his large Corinthian Leather chair as he watched out over the skyline.
The massive wooden door that led to his office opened and Adolph's secretary, Virginia, walked in carrying a report. Virginia was a middle-aged man who was always impeccably dressed and his deodorant smelled of rich spices and men in cable knit sweaters on tall ships singing songs of the high seas.
"I have the latest figures, sir," Virginia reported as he sashayed into the room.
Adolph turned his chair around and held his hand out, "Let me see them."
He grabbed the sheet of paper and poured over the numbers, his face grew more and more tense.
"What in God's name is going on?!" he demanded.
"Well, sir," Virginia began, "it seems that the men in sector 3 have all decided to grow beards. And there's talk of some sporadic beard growing in Sector's 4, 5, 6 and 9."
"I can see that, Virginia!" Adolph bellowed. "What I want to know is why?!"
Virginia walks over to a chart of the city and pulls out a collapsible pointer.
"It seems," he began, pointing to the map, "that there has been a recent desire amongst young, emasculated males to become manly, rugged and macho. We don't know why, but it may have something to do with those Grizzly Adams reruns they've been showing on the television box."
"The what?" Adolph asked.
"Well, one of the local TV stations has decide to rerun the much beloved 1970's television show Grizzly Adams starring Dan Haggerty and Denver Pyle."
"Why would they do something like that?" Adolph was puzzled.
"Because they're creatively defunct, they haven't come up with a new idea in decades and they have nothing else to show," Virginia replied with a sneer.
Adolph got up and walked over to the map, "No, why would a bunch of men grow beards just from watching a silly television show?"
"I don't know sir. Why does anyone do anything these days? Why would two people name their perfectly healthy boy Virginia?"
Adolph looked at Virginia.
"Why did your parents name you Virginia?"
"Well, it was like that Johnny Cash song, 'A Boy Named Sue', you know, where the dad was going to prison and he knew he wasn't going to be around very much so he named his son Sue knowing that the kids would tease him and mock him and his son would have to fight and he would become strong and manly even though his dad wasn't there to raise him."
"And that worked out for you?"
"Not really. I got back at my parents by turning super gay."
Adolph walks over to the giant window and looks out at the city, "Virginia, my father was the President of Shaving Cream, just like his father before him, as was his father's father before him and his farther father on his father's side furthest from the farthest father before him, also. This company was built on the sweat and blood of middle to lower class people who never had medical benefits and who never had a way to earn a decent lifestyle or the guarantee of any kind of respectable future. This is a shaving cream town, Virginia..." Adolph turned around to make sure his point was being made, "…and we can't have a bunch of lumberjacks ruining it because they want to look surly and manly! I won't let it happen!"
"Yes sir. I'll put some men on it," Virginia replied as he collapsed the pointer and began to walk out.
"Uh, Virginia," Adolph said as he motioned to his chin, "you uh, missed a spot."
Virginia rubs his chin and felt a small patch of facial hair that managed to escape the morning's razor. A look of slight embarrassment fell over his face.
"I'll shave it right now, sir."

Burt's life was pretty much like everyone else's life in his sector, just a bunch of working jamokes with no potential for upward mobility. Nobody had any real sense of hope anymore, it had been bred out of people a long time ago through subversive television marketing and advertising. People below a certain income level were encouraged to stay where they were and that money and wealth caused more problems so they shouldn't try and reach those types of goals. A slow disintegration of the education system also played a part in the erosion of people's motivation. Basic courses like math and history and philosophy were replaced by reality television shows where contestants bickered and squabbled over lunch. Burt spent a good portion of his time in front of the television watching reruns of Grizzly Adams, a show about a large bearded man who lived in the mountains with his pet bear. Although the series was cancelled long ago TV stations had been rerunning Grizzly Adams for years. No one knows why this particular showed struck a chord with men like Burt, but it did.
Burt's wife, Petulant, was a sturdy woman with some deeply held beliefs about watching reruns of the same show over and over. She believed it led to insanity and bad penmanship.
Petulant had a very heavy walking, almost a stomp, some would describe. Although Burt's mind was usually disconnected with all things domestic there was still the terror that laid in the back of his head when he heard Petulant's approaching footsteps as he tried to relax on the couch.
"We're out of Cap'n Crunch," she said holding an empty cereal box.
"Well, I'll get it later," Burt responded opening another beer. "Grizzly Adams is almost on."
"Oh okay, well I guess I'll just starve to death!" she angrily shot back, throwing the cereal box on the ground and then stomping away.
Burt rolled his eyes and then lolled his head back and forth, "Jesus Christ."

Burt strolled along the sidewalk drinking his beer and decided to cut across the parking lot to the store. He finished the last of it, crumpled the can and then dropped it right on the ground. As he reached the entrance, he almost didn't notice the two clean-shaven men in sunglasses that approached him.
"Hey buster, how's it goin'?" The first guy asked.
"Not too good," Burt replied, rubbing his eyes. The sun was so bright that day.
"Where ya' goin', buddy?" the second clean-shaven man asked him.
"I'm goin' in the store. I gotta get some Cap'n before the wife throws a complete conniption."
"That's a nice beard you got there," the first guy said. "Pretty manly. How long did it take you to grow that? Two, three months?"
Burt finally took a better look at the two men. They wore matching dark suits, they both parted their hair to the right and they were both very clean-shaven.
"Three and a half," he replied. "Hey, who are you guys?"
"We're just, uh, admirers of beards," the second man said. "You don't mind, do ya', bearder?"
"Bearder?" Burt responded. He had never heard that word before. "What is that, an insult? Did you just make that up?"
"Maybe we did, maybe we didn't. That's for us to know and you to find out, bearder."
The two clean-shaven men laughed at Burt, who was, of course, the opposite of clean-shaven.
"Yeah," they both continued, "bearder. Haha, bearder. Bearder."
"Look, I don't have time for…" Burt tried to make his way past the two men but they persisted.
"You know yer puttin' a lot of people outta' work with that whiskered look of yours. People with jobs. People with lives and families and pets," the first man said.
Burt furrowed his brows upward in his most confused look, "How am I putting…"
"Thousands of people. Thousands of people," the second man accused.
"Well, maybe not thousands," the first man corrected his friend.
"Well okay, hundreds. Hundreds of people..."
"Ehhh, you know, it's hard to really put a number on who's really affected by all this."
"Maybe ten...maybe, like, one or two guys are out of work because of..."
"Well, maybe they're not out of work," the first man tried to reason.
"What do you mean?" asked the second man.
"Well, they probably just don't have as much to do at the factory."
"So, they still have a job?"
"Yeah, but not as much to do, though."
"Not as much to do as before?"
"Yeah, because people are using less shaving cream, so, the factory doesn't need to produce as much, so, the workers aren't doing as much."
"So, they're still working, but not doing as much work?"
"Yeah, not as much."
The second man dramatically pointed his finger at Burt, "Because of this guy!!!"
"Mr. Selfish," agreed the first clean-shaven guy.
"Guys sittin' around the shaving cream factory all day with not as much to do!"
"Not as much to do and with mouths to feed!"
"Do ya' hear that Mr. selfish? Mouths to feed!"
Burt finally shakes his head and walks past the two men and into the store. The first guy called out after him, "Where ya' goin', bearder?"
"Yeah, bearder! Come on back and talk about it. Bearder! Bearder, bearder!"
"Shaver hater! Bearder!"
A woman and her small child walked past the tirade as the horrified woman covers her child's ears, "This used to be such a nice place to live."

Burt met his buddies down at Kilfuddrick's at the usual time, four o'clock in the afternoon. There was a wrestling match on TV and most of the men came to the bar to watch it and bet.
Burt looked a little more somber than usual as he slowly sipped his beer.
"Say, has anyone said anything about your beards recently?" he asked his buddies.
"Yeah," Jim immediately replied, "as a matter of fact, three guys came into the shop yesterday and told me that I looked like a handsome version of the 1970's band Blue Oyster Cult."
Burt looked at Jim, "They said you looked like a whole band?"
"Yeah," Jim replied.
"Any other comments," he continued, "Like beard comments?"
"A dog sniffed my beard on Wednesday because I had a cracker in it. You mean like that?" Ned asked.
"No, like any clean shaven fellows or something, sayin', you know, stuff like that yer puttin' people out of work and yer beards are causin' people to starve. Mouths to feed, that kind of stuff."
Jim and Ned looked at each other for a moment.
"Oh yeah that. Yeah. Every day," they said in unison.
"Sure," Ned began, "it's been goin' on for a while now."
"Was it...other guys...with beards...?" Burt asked cautiously.
"Oh no no no, clean shaven guys," Ned responded.
"Yeah, perfectly shaved," Jim chimed in, "Handsome."
"Dashing," Ned added.
"Yeah, Fortune 500 lookin' guys," Jim started to recall.
"Guys you would introduce to yer sister."
"Guys you would introduce to yer mom."
"Guys that you wish were your dads."
Burt stared back at his beer.
"Yeah, Kyle and Tom said they ran into the same guys over on El Cerrito," he said heavily as he took another sip and looked around. The place wasn't full except for a group of men staring blankly up at the television watching two men wrestle in a parking lot.
"Well, whadd'ya sayin' Burt?" Jim finally asked.
Burt turned around, "You don't think it's a little strange that there are these clean shaven guys walkin' around telling everyone with beards that they oughtta' shave or else some poor jamoke in the shaving cream factory is gonna lose his job?"
Jim and Ned pondered on this thought for a moment.
"Well, I didn't think it was weird until you just said it just now."
"Wow, that is kinda' strange. Why would anyone care if we had beards?"
"I'll tell ya' who'd care," Burt said, "the shaving cream industry, that's who."
"Oh come on, why would they care?" Ned asked.
"It's a free country, Burt. Anyone can choose to shave or not to shave anytime they want."
"Can they?" Burt said as he looked over. "We're a country that has become dependent on shaving cream. Why do you think there hasn't been any alternative ways to shave in the last two hundred years?"
Ned perked up, "What about the Creamless Razor?"
"Yeah, and do you remember what a disaster that turned out to be?" Burt reminded them. "Somethin's goin' on. We're showing that we're not dependent on shaving cream and someone doesn't like it because it's affecting their bottom line, and now, someone wants to put an end to it."
"Well, what're we gonna do?" Jim asked nervously.
"I think I may have a plan," Burt said as he reached over the bar and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. "It's a longshot, but we've got to try."
"What is it?" Ned asked.
"Well," Burt said putting the pen down, "we start by finishing these beers."
Excited by the prospect of planning something, anything, the three men chugged every last drop of beer in their glasses.
"And maybe have one more round," Burt said as he slammed his glass down on the bar.

The two black limos pulled into the empty parking structure roughly at the same time. One limo slowly crept left while the other one crept to the right until they both met, front bumper to front bumper, right in the middle. The drivers of both cars got out went to the rear and opened the door. Adolph stepped out of one while a slender, mustachioed man named Rudolph the Razor Baron stepped out of the other. The men walked cautiously to the front of the cars.
"Ahh Adolph, I hear you're having a little trouble keeping whiskers off men's beards," Rudolph sneered.
"Don't give me that, Rudolph, Adolph shot back. "You know you're affected by this as much as I am."
"Am I?" Rudolph had a confidence about him that secretly bothered Adolph.
"Don't try and act like that Creamless Razor was such a big hit. Fourteen thousand people lost their lives because you wanted to cut shaving cream out of the equation. Well, that math just doesn't add up, daddy-o. Shaving cream is here to stay."
Adolph looked around. The cement structure was bathed in orange halogen light.
"We've got other options," Rudolph slyly said.
"Look," Adolph started, "we may hate each other, we may despise each other, maybe I can't stand your boobless wife but our products must be used together! That's the way it is. That's the way God intended it!"
"The problem isn't me, Adolph, it's your friends in the television business and their fancy reruns of Grizzly Adams and all their swanky Hollywood swinger sex parties and their drugs and lower back tattoos and their 'devil may care' attitudes about personal hygiene. It's become very fashionable to look like an eighteenth century social misfit who can only maintain normalcy in the presence of bears."
Adolph shook his head, "Those reruns and those lower back tattoos are going to be the end of us if we don't do something about it."
Rudolph twisted the waxed end of his mustache, "What are you proposing?"
Suddenly, a car horn breaks in and Adolph and Rudolph look over at a dented and scratched four-door sedan trying to get past the two limos, which are blocking any chance for an exit.
"Well, we should start by finishing these beers," Adolph said as both men, from out of nowhere, started chugging two beers.


Burt, Ned and Jim walked up to the table where the two clean-shaven guys were sitting. A sign hung in front of the table that said '$50 FOR BEARD GONE OFF NOW!' It looked like a six-year old wrote it.
"Fifty dollars for your beards! Come and get it!" the first guy shouted out to passersby.
"Fifty dollars to look like a respectable human being! Fifty dollars!" the second guy chimed in.
"What's goin' on here?" Burt asked.
"Hmm, what do you care?" the first guy replied, "We're just here trying to make this a better community to live in, that's all."
The second guy then called out to another bearded guy, "Hey buddy! Fifty bucks to shave your beard?"
The bearded guy walked up to the table, "Fifty bucks? Geez, it took me six months to grow this."
The first guy jumped in, "How 'bout we throw a girl in it to sweeten the deal?"
The bearded guy's eyes opened wide, "Well, okay!"
The clean-shaven man then called out to a group of beautiful women who were standing nearby.
"Rachel, go with this man! Do whatever he wants!"
The bearded man, happier than he'd ever been his entire life, collected his money and walked off with Rachel.
"You know," Burt said, "you can't just buy people like that, and I'm pretty sure it's illegal to order women to go and have sex with strange men."
"It's a free country isn't it? Besides, what do you care what I do..." he looked at the second guy, "bearder?"
Both clean shaven men laughed hysterically. They laughed so hard they almost fell off their chairs.
"The way I see it," the first guy said as he wiped tears from his eyes, "you guys are on the endangered species list. This town is for decent people. Not bearders."
Figuring it wasn't worth it, Burt and his friends walk away as the clean shaven guys continued trying to hand out money to people who would shave their beards.


Drinking beer on a street corner wasn't as frowned upon as one would think. In fact, the authorities of New Delta-Bravo-Echo City encouraged it. It was the ultimate 'demotivator' according to the mayor. Burt, Jim and Ned's favorite was the corner of Cahuenga Boulevard and Lankershim. Sipping from their tall boys they looked up at the spooky black tower that was the world headquarters for shaving cream.
"You know," Jim said, "I've got a good mind to shave my beard off just to show those guys what's what."
"Well then, you'd be doing what they want. They want you to shave your beard," Burt reminded him.
Ned rubbed his beard, "Mine's feelin' kinda' itchy anyway."
"Whadd'ya mean, you guys are gonna shave? Just because two Mormons said it was the thing to do?" Burt took an angry sip of his delicious beer, the only thing that comforted his these days.
"We gotta shave sometime, Burt," Jim said. "We can't live like this forever. I gotta get a job."
Burt continued to protest, "You can't give in. This is what the shaving cream industry wants."
Jim grabbed Burt's arm, trying to reason with him, "Burt, listen to yourself. You're sounding like a crazy man. It's not like there's a conspiracy to keep us well groomed. It's not like there's a giant conglomerate out there who got us all addicted to shaving so they could maintain their profit margins and become so powerful that they have their own lobbies in Washington that get laws passed that are favorable to them and their industry while our Senators and Representatives disregard anything that has to do with why they are there to begin with, which is looking out for the interests of the American citizen so that they are not taken advantage of by huge conglomerates. I mean, that just sounds crazy! What country do you think we live in anyway, North Dakota?!"
Burt looked down at the god-awfully filthy ground, defeated again by reason and logic.
"Yeah," he finally said, "I guess you're right."
They all finished their beers, crumpled the cans and threw them on the ground even though they were standing about a foot away from a trashcan. The trashcan was completely empty and was sitting in the middle of a debris field of trash. Suddenly, the shadow of a man appeared and the three men turned around. The mysterious man was standing between the sun so he appeared as a silhouette with the suns rays bursting all around him like some sort of halo.
"Excuse me…" the man finally said. Burt, Jim and Ned's eyes popped wide open as the man continued. "Anyone know where I can find a man named Burt?"


The two clean-shaven men were in Adolph's office sitting across from the President as Virginia served them two sparkling waters.
"Well," Adolph began, "I don't think we have to worry about the bearders any more."
"It was a great plan that worked flawlessly," the first clean-shaven man declared.
Adolph agreed, "Fifty dollars and a woman and you can get every man in town to do anything you want them to do. Who knew it would be so cheap?"
"And our stock in the company is safe?" asked the second clean-shaven man.
"Of course it is," Adolph replied. "It's never been higher."
Suddenly, the door to Adolph's office swung open as if someone kicked it and it slammed against the wall on the other side. The two clean-shaven men looked back and saw Burt, Jim and Ned standing at the entrance.
"Hey, you ever hear of knockin'?" the first guy asked.
Adolph stood up, "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded.
Burt walked inside the office, "I'll tell you what the meaning is. It's over. The gig is up."
"What gig?" Adolph asked, looking at the two clean-shaven men in total confusion.
"Don't you mean the jig is up?" asked the second guy.
Adolph snapped his fingers at Virginia, "Virginia, get me security."
And then the actor Dan Haggerty walked in the door. He was dressed in head to toe denim and had the same beard he did when he was on Grizzly Adams. He casually put his hand up as he strolled into the room, "Security won't be necessary, Virginia."
Virginia dropped the folders that were in his hands, "Oh my God! It's the ghost of Dan Haggerty!"
"No, I'm not dead yet," Dan said as he snickered, "in fact, I'm still very much alive."
There was a supreme confidence about the way Dan carried himself without the arrogance. He was your football coach, your mailman and your favorite uncle all rolled up into one.
"What you're doing here, sir," he began, "is a shame. A cryin' shame. You corporations have gotten all your heads screwed on backwards or somethin'. I don't know what happened, but it's all wrong. What difference should it make if your profit margins rise or fall a couple of points? Haven't you got enough money already? The reason you have profits in the first place is because of ordinary people. If there weren't any ordinary people there wouldn't be any of you. You corporate types seem to forget that. This is a big, beautiful country we live in. People should be free to shave or not to shave. People should be able to grow their beards part of the way and then shave 'em off because they realized that they really don't look that good in a beard in the first place. It seems like all you care about is the bottom line, well, the bottom line is this; I just bought 51 percent of the stock in your company. So, if there are any more decisions to be made you'll have to answer to me."
Adolph was having a little trouble believing this, "How could you afford 51 percent of this company? I mean, you're a good actor and everything, I just haven't seen you in anything lately."
Dan started walking towards Adolph's desk, not in a threatening manner but more like a middle aged man taking a casual stroll through the park, "Well, I renegotiated my contract a few years ago and in it I stipulated that I wanted points on some of my older TV shows. It seemed kinda crazy, but I was feelin' kinda crazy at the time. The studios laughed, of course. They were so confident that nothing would ever come of it that they agreed to it. Well lately, they've been showing a shitload of Grizzly Adams reruns, which made me a very rich man overnight. But I wasn't comfortable with all that money just piled up everywhere. I mean, sometimes I couldn't even get out of the house because all the money was blocking all the exits. I had to buy another house so I could live in one and my money could be in the other."
Dan chuckled pretty good at this revelation.
"You ever hear of a bank?" the clean-shaven guy asked, completely flummoxed.
"So anyway," Dan continued, "I decided to spend most of it on charity. And since the government outlawed charities several years ago I decided I would go into the corporate hostile takeover business, only, I would do things my way. I would break up the corporations that've been taking advantage of people for years and take away their power so the people can rise up again and take the power back. And when I heard that your company has been secretly covering up your plans to create a Beardless World Order, well, I just couldn't stand still now could I? Thanks to a letter I received from these gentlemen..."
Dan held up a crudely scrawled one-page letter.
"...I now have a starting point for my mission in life." His voice cracked slightly. He walked over to where Adolph was standing, "Now, if you don't mind I'd like to try out my new desk."
Unsure of what was going on, a stunned Adolph stepped aside as Dan sat down in his chair and put his feet up on the desk. Of course, he was wearing Uggs.
One of the clean-shaven guys stood up, "But, Mr…"
"Fellas," Dan interrupted, "I'm gonna make you an offer. I'll pay you twice your salary to be head of my security."
The clean-shaven guys looked at each other with widened eyes as they both said, "Sure! Okay!"
"Your first order of business is to escort Mr..." Dan looked at Adolph, "...I'm sorry, I didn't get your name?"
"Cheney," Adolph replied.
"Please escort Mr. Cheney and Virginia here off the property. We'll send you your stuff."
The clean-shaven guys get up without question and promptly escort Virginia and Adolph out of the office.
"You haven't heard the last of it!" Adolph bellowed as he was being led out. "You hear me Haggerty? You haven't heard the last of Adolph Cheney! I will be back! I will be back!"
Jim watches completely stunned, "Wow! You really bought a majority share of this company?"
Dan leans back in the chair, "Naw. You know how much money that is kid? I don't have that kind of scratch."
The three friends look at each other.
"But wait a minute," Burt exclaimed, "you just had the president of a billion dollar company escorted off the property."
"The secret of acting is to 'believe in what you're saying'. The truth will come through in your work," Dan replied confidently.
Jim was beginning to panic, "So, we didn't really accomplish anything. I thought you said this guy could do something."
"Well," Burt who was also beginning to panic fumbled around for his words, "..that's what he said in the letter. Isn't that what you...you are Dan Haggerty aren't you? The Dan Haggerty of Grizzly Adams fame?"
"Kid, how did you possibly think that I, a simple television actor, could change a powerful corporation like the Shaving Cream Industry?" Dan chuckled. "I mean, that's insane!"
The three friends don't quite know what to do as their situation begins to sink in.
"Oh my God," Ned finally said, "we gotta get outta here!"
They all rushed towards the door in horror at what they've become involved in.
"We're gonna go to jail," Jim cried out.
"That's the last time I ask an actor for help," Burt blurted out.
He turned back to Dan Haggerty who was comfortably resting in the big chair with his feet up on the big desk, "Thanks Dan Haggerty! Thanks a lot fer nothin'!"


Suddenly, as if we were watching a movie, the voice of Waylon Jennings boomed throughout our story.
"Well," Mr. Jennings began, "as you can see, things didn't quite work out so well for the fellas."

The three friends were now handcuffed and being shoved into the back of a police car by an overly enthusiastic police officer as Mr. Jennings' voice boomed out into the atmosphere, "They were captured a couple o' blocks away and sent to a re-education camp in Montana where they were taught the basics in personal hygiene." The police officer looks around to try and locate where that voice was possibly coming from.
But now the three friends were stripped naked and being hosed down by a Department of Corrections officer as Jim was the first to break, "No, no, no! Why?! Why, Dan Haggerty?! Why?!"
When we wormholed it back to the President's office we saw the two clean shaven men and Adolph coming back in the room to confront Dan Haggerty.
"Dan Haggerty had a different fate, however," Waylon Jennings continued.
Dan Haggerty scuffled with several security guards while Virginia was on the phone to the police. Adolph examined several marks on his desk that were made by Dan's boots.
"After 'wrasslin' with security for pert' near a half an hour ol' Adolph finally made him a deal that he couldn't refuse," Waylon continued. Adolph looked around. Fearing that he was hearing voices he turned to Dan, who was standing next to him and made him on offer he couldn't refuse. The security guards were battered and bruised and one of them was lying lifeless on the ground as one of the clean-shaven guys tried to resuscitate him. Dan and Adolph shook hands, both smiling.
"You didn't hear that voice, did ya'?" Adolph asked.
"I sure did," Dan replied, still smiling as if he was posing for a photo op.
Adolph kept smiling as Waylon Jennings' voice broke in again, "He made Dan Haggerty the National Ambassador and Spokesperson For Shaving Cream in the Northern Hemisphere. Now, you may wonder how a man with such an honest beard could be a spokesperson for a shaving cream company..."

Somewhere down on the interstate was a brand new billboard with a picture of Dan Haggerty's bearded head superimposed over a muscular, hairless bodybuilder's body holding a razor with the title that said SHAVING CREAM: TERRORISTS DON'T USE IT, PATRIOTS DO. WHICH ONE ARE YOU?
A mother and her young son were driving by at that moment. They looked up and her son asked, "Mom, what's terrorism?"
Well, once again, Waylon Jennings' voice broke in to the airspace of the woman's car, "...Well, you might say that ol' Dan Haggerty finally had that money problem he was talkin' about. You know, the one where he couldn't go nowhere 'cause it was blockin' all the exits."
The woman was so disturbed by what was now a new voice in her head she swerved her car left, then right until it came to a complete stop in the middle of the road. The woman sobbed, her head resting against the steering wheel.
"Mom," her son asked, "is dad a terrorist?"

Far, far away in the middle of the country there was a prison complex so secure and so remote that only the most dangerous criminals were sent there. One of the cells held one of the most notorious criminals in the country. It was Burt, only his head was completely shaven. He was hunched over in the corner facing the wall. Small scraping were audible but weren't loud enough to draw any attention outside the cell. Burt was holding a blunt spoon and was scraping a small divot in the wall. His faced looked different. It looked mad, crazy even. His thousand-yard stare focused on the tiny flecks of concrete that his spoon slowly broke away as he quietly mumbled to himself, "I'll get you Dan Haggerty. If it takes the rest of my life I will get you. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Suddenly, a voice from off screen shouted out, "Cut! Great!"
Burt turned around and stood up. He stood in the middle of a movie set that was designed to look like a prison cell. Several crew members milled about as Dan Haggerty walked up to Burt.
"That was great for me kiddo, whadd'ya think?" Dan asked.
"I liked that one," Burt replied. "It felt right. It really felt like I was about to go insane."
Dan put his big paw on Burt's shoulder, "It's like the acting gods used to say, 'If you think you're about to go insane, then you're already there.'"
"That...doesn't make any sense," Burt replied, still smiling.
Dan Haggerty then turned and faced the crew, who were wrapping up for the day, "Okay, I think that's a wrap everyone. Hey, I want to thank you all for helping out on my short films. I mean it, this experience really meant a lot to me."
Jim, who was the boom pole operator, listened intently as Ned took down one of the lights.
Dan continued on, "I know you all haven't seen me in a lot of stuff lately, but I've been on sort of a creative sabbatical."
Shreeder, Hugh and Qubert tried not to interrupt Dan's speech as they wrapped up power cables.
"A lot of you may have been wondering where I've been. Well, I disappeared from society and lived up in the wilderness for several years," Dan went on.
Eddie and Tommy were pushing a large light on a rolling stand as they both looked at Dan as if he had lost his mind.
"My best friend," Dan reminisced, "was a man named Denver Pyle. I used to call him Scratchy or Smelly or somethin'. I don't quite remember."
Toby and Bill folded up the chairs that were in video village, a place where monitors were used to play back footage that had been shot so the director could seek out any mistakes or give notes on actor performances.
"And I hung around a great bear all the time. People called me Grizzly Dan. They'd call out 'Hey Grizzly Dan, you gonna chop down a tree or sumthin'? Maybe build a fire in the fireplace, or eat a chipmunk or sumthin'?" Dan chuckled to himself.
Fred, Bernie, Doctor Mike, Father Jeff and Sheldon Fenwick were also part of the volunteer crew and they stood and listened to Dan's speech. Doctor Mike turned to father Jeff and made the 'koo koo' sign with his index finger pointing circles at his temple.
"Yep," Dan kept going, "I needed that time to get the creative juices flowin' again. And the result are these films you helped me put on celluloid."
Fred butted in, "Uh, film is celluloid, sir."
"So, thank you all from the bottom of my heart," Dan finally concluded.
There was a smattering of applause as Dan headed out of the stage. Sheldon turned to Father Jeff, "What a blowhard."
"Yeah," Father Jeff replied, "'dese actors 're all da same. Livin' ina bubble!"


Galactic Studios was responsible for some of the biggest blockbuster movies in the world, including Explosions In Space, Mind Explosions and Explosions Within Explosions. They had a stable of some of the most popular actors and actresses in the country.
Dan Haggerty found himself sitting across from Adolph who was sitting behind a large desk that was very similar to the one when he was President of Shaving Cream. The difference was that there was now a placard on the desk that read "President of Galactic Studios'.
Still dressed in his humble mountain man garb, Dan watched as Adolph looked over a thick screenplay resting in front of him.
"So, what do you think?" he asked anxiously.
"Well," Adolph began, "I've got to tell you Dan, I just don't get it. A trilogy of absurdity?"
"Maybe the title is throwing you off. It's...it's a life's work is what it really is." Dan shifted in his seat.
Adolph rubbed his temple trying to gather the right words, "It's three stories of little or no importance to anyone or anything that are weakly bound together at the end of the third short by the simple appearance of some of the cast members of the previous two. It's silly writing, the plots are ridiculous, there's no character development. I mean, who came up with this crap?"
"But, didn't you love the part in Mr. Showbiz when they were all fighting the devil? That actually happened to me you know," Dan said, smiling.
Adolph held up the screenplay, "And now you want me to finance this screenplay of yours? I gotta tell you, after reading it, it's kind of weak."
As blunt as Adolph was, Dan didn't seem discouraged in the least bit. "It took me fourteen years to write that. I think it's a pretty good story if I do say so myself."
"And, I just don't think your 'trilogy' is going to help your cause," Adolph said.
"How 'bout if I gave you some pot?" Dan asked.
"Look, Mr. Haggerty," Adolph began as he pushed the screenplay towards Dan, "I'm a big fan of yours, but I'm a busy man. I'm going to have to pass on this one."
Virginia walked in carrying a stack of papers for Adolph.
"Sir," he started as he set the stack in front of Adolph, pushing Dan's screenplay even further away, "Tom Cruise's agent wants to know if you're still on for lunch at the Ivy?"
"Tell him I'll be there at 2," Adolph replied.
"And Will Smith called and wanted to set up a foursome with you, Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg for Saturday."
Dan watched the two men talk their big Hollywood talk as his hopes for a comeback spiraled ever downward.
"Oh jeez," Adolph remembered, "I'm playing tennis with Jack Nicholson, Kate Moss and the president of France on Saturday. Tell him we'll have to reschedule to Sunday."
"Sunday you're having high tea with the Pope and then you're meeting Sir Paul McCartney for dinner to discuss you becoming an honorary Beatle," Virginia reminded him. "I can shoot for next week."
"That'll have to do," Adolph finally replied. "Thanks."
Virginia stood up straight and headed out, but not before giving Dan a snobbish once over at his outrageous looking duds.
Adolph stared at Dan, "Eh, was there anything else?"
Dan slowly grabbed his screenplay and got up, "No...uh, I thank you for your time."
He slowly walked out.
Dan made the slow walk through the reception area where several young up and coming actors and actresses were waiting to audition for roles in the next wave of movies. They all stopped and watched as he lumbered through the lobby looking dejected and defeated. The young actors had never seen a real mountain man before and they had yet to find out about rejection.
Dan slowly made his way out of the galactic Studios building and up the street where the cast and crew of his short films were waiting. They noticed his dispirited walk.
"Oh boy," Shreeder exclaimed, "I hope he has good news."
Sheldon Fenwick is a little more dubious, "It doesn't look like he has good news. Look at the way he's walking."
"His head's down," Doctor Mike jumps in, "he's dragging his feet, his arms are hanging sorrowfully. That looks like a bad news walk if I've ever seen one."
"Give him a chance. Maybe he has good news and he's just trying to trick us or something," Jim suggested.
"Nobody with good news walks like that. Not even if they're trying to trick someone. They're usually skipping or jumping for joy or something." Eddie said grimly. "That's a death march."
"I don't think Dan can skip or jump for joy, though. He is up there in age," Said Tommy.
Qubert asked, "How old do you think he is?"
"I don't know, father Jeff replied.
"No one knows," Doctor Mike passionately replied.
"I'm sure someone knows," Burt said just as Dan walked up to them. "Hey Dan, how old are you anyway?"
Dan's face was still downtrodden. "I'm sorry fellas. I couldn't do it. I guess I'm just not relevant enough."
One of the clean-shaven men piped up, "They didn't like the trilogy?"
"'Fraid not my friend," Dan replied comfortingly.
"Well, how are we gonna make the big feature you wrote?" the clean-shaven man continued.
Dan held up the thick, dog-eared screenplay for everyone to see, "I guess we're just gonna have to do it ourselves." They all look up at it in wonderment. Hugh rubbed his chin, "Ourselves?"
"Just like when we made the trilogy," Dan replied. "We save up and buckle down. We persevere and we get it done. We did it before and we can do it again. This is just another speed bump in Hollywood, fellas, but we can do it. Who's with me?"
Everyone enthusiastically raised their hands and shouted in unison, "I am. We are. I am. Let's do it!"
Dan Haggerty was so proud. His spirits have clearly been lifted. He was a new man.
"Now," he continued, "who wants ice cream?"
The fellas gave an even more enthusiastic response, "Me, me, me!! I do!! I do!!"

Way up on the top floor of the Galactic Studios Tower Adolph stood at the window looking down at the street. He was looking at a group of people who had just decided to take their fate in their own hands and make a film themselves. They also just decided to go get some ice cream. The worry on Adolph's face could not be concealed as Virginia quietly stood next to him.
"Those people down there," Adolph began, "have in their hands one of the greatest scripts I've ever read. We must do everything in our power to make sure that it does not get made."
"Wasn't that the one that you just passed on?" Virginia asked.
"Yes it was," Adolph replied.
"Well, why didn't you just buy it and then make the movie?" Virginia asked again, confused.
"If I made that movie this studio would win countless Oscars. We would have praise heaped upon us like we were Roman Emperors. It would make us billions and give us the credibility that we've always been looking for."
Virginia waited for more explanation, but got none. "Uh...yyyyeah?"
Adolph continued, "But then, what would we do next? Everything else would be compared to that movie. Everyone would be waiting for the next great Dan Haggerty movie. This studio only makes crap and puts it in great looking packages. That's what we're good at. That's what we've always been good at. We can't afford to make a good movie anymore no matter how great it is."
Virginia finally gave up, "Okay, I guess I'm not getting it, but you're the boss."
Adolph lifted his hand and pointed his wrinkled finger towards the phone, "Get Rudolph on the line." He turned towards Virginia as dramatically as he could, "Operation 'Must-Not-Let-Dan-Haggerty-Make-The-Greatest-Script-I-Ever-Read' will begin immediately."
Suddenly, a bright flash of lightening and the clap of thunder filled the air. Adolph looked around, taken off guard as some words appeared magically and hit Virginia on the head, knocking him to the floor. The words said '…to be continued'.