I watched my feet as they stepped down the cement steps of my office where I was working for the past six months. That was my third job and the last one. Because that day my boss convinced me about how hard it was for her to give salary to me. I was working as an Executive in a Food testing laboratory. We did not get enough samples in the past two months.
She also regretted that she has done injustice to me as she was using an M.Tech graduate as an office girl. The reason she hired me was for a research project. But what I was doing all those months was taking Xerox, carrying a blue box (containing samples), confirming and canceling tickets, etc and etc that a receptionist would do. Yes she was right. That was injustice to me. So I was quite happy and relieved when she took that decision. I showed a happy face and said “I understand Mam” (You have no other way when you are fired).
On the way to my hostel I bought a lays chips packet. I eat a lot while am in stress. The stress is not about losing the job but about what my family would say. It is the third job, goddamn it.
When I switched on the TV, I heard the song, Ithu than ulagama… Ithu than valkaiya…[Is this the world…is this the life….] I cursed the old movies for saying so many true things about a sad life and changed for a happy song. I ate those chips while watching TV in my room. One of the chips crushed between my teeth as I thought about the financial situation of my family. We are just a lower middle class. I cursed the rental house, jewels pawned in the bank, loans to be repaid. What am I going to do? That was a big question in front of me.
I slept late that night thinking the same stuff again and again like an old tape recorder. The next morning I woke up and walked on the hostel terrace with a cup of coffee.
I thought-
I studied for 6 years. What’s the use? When I got the first job I had big dreams. The dreams where my family is well settled- no more loans, no more jewelry pawning, happy faces all day. I shattered all of them. I failed three jobs. I can apply for another job. But what if I fail again? What if I have to quit again? It will be a cycle of failures.
But why did I fail? That was another Big Boy standing on my way?
After a long thought over my coffee, I figured out that I hated repetitive works. With my last two jobs, all days were same for me. Same kind of work every hour. I realized it was me. And not the job. I complained everyday not because I was inefficient but I was not enjoying the repetitive work. But not all of them are like me. I have seen so many starting each day with the same cheer! It was me who was in the wrong place.
So what do I enjoy? My third Riddle before me..
As Steve jobs said, “Dot back… not the future”. So I dotted back till my childhood. My childhood was not the happiest one in my life. I can add various reasons to it. But don’t want to go in there. Because of not finding happiness in what was before me in the real daily life, I started to find happiness in what was not there in the real world. To be clear I loved fantasies, fairy tales where prince rescues princess from her curse (problems), Stories where animals talk and Give Company to a sad lonely kid, etc….I loved that world because there, it was only me and my imaginations.
So I became a day dreamer most of my life other than the time where I had to study or do home works. I dream all the time. Even in college I dream about mermaids while my lecturers strive hard to explain and make us understand what they are trying to say.
Other than this dreaming stuff, I loved poetry and reading. When I said poetry I remember winning 3 rd prize in a poetry competition in college. I sighed that I should have focused on one of those creative stuffs. I did not because like the rest of the people I was scared to take a risk. And I was wandering to be financially secured first.
So Now, this very moment I thought, is there a possibility to correct the wrong decisions once I made? Is there a way to utilize the time I wasted in the past by day dreaming? I stood there for a long time letting the questions banging my head…
I said yes to myself. I took a long breath and went down to my room. My roommates have already left for office. So it was just me.
I took all the one side papers that I saved in the past for some unknown use in the future and started to write, “Dance of Lord, Part-1, A Bride from Moon”.
I did not think about my average fluency in English. I was not thinking about my financial obstacles, I wasn’t thinking about is it possible or not. I just let all the thoughts go of my head. It was me again in that room. Me refers to the childhood of my life where I lived in a fantasy world where each day is a new different one with plenty of adventures. It was … A New Beginning of my life…..