Studies have shown that newborns pretty much just poop/pee, sleep, cry, or eat. Sometimes simultaneously. Oh, I almost forgot spit-up/vomit. These are my studies, BTW. Based on a statistically insignificant sample size of one significantly adorable infant subject (Georgie Clark), yet still no less revolutionary.

Before I share my other initial findings, could you hand me that burp cloth that’s always on the opposite side of the room from wherever I'm sitting? Thanks, you’re a shirt-saver!

Anyway, where was I? That’s right, my studies. They’re also showing that my particular newborn is capable of one extra thing: tricking Daddy. Yes, you have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me. So that’s what she does every day, usually around 4am. But I’m onto her.

Here are the 5 Daddy-proof tricks that have worked every time thus far:

1. The “Are you crazy, Daddy? Of course I don’t want my binkie!” trick

The setup: Baby rejects binkie multiple times to make Daddy think, ‘Ah-ha! I have no idea what she wants again.’ Daddy offers her the ba-ba, just in case she’s still hungry. The ba-ba is the last thing on earth she wants right now, stop it, Daddy!! Daddy tries binkie again even though he’s 99% sure she’ll spit it out.

The punchline: Baby accepts binkie and naps for 3 hours. Ha!

2. The “I pooped – time to change me right now, Daddy, I’m not getting any younger!” trick

The setup: Baby makes a definitive tooting/pooping sound so loud that Daddy surmises, ‘Holy ****. There couldn’t possibly be anything left in her system.’ Baby begins fussing like diaper is 100% full and she’d do anything to be clean again. Daddy takes baby to changing table, removes diaper, and sees only a small streak of poo-poo. Uh-oh.

The punchline: Daddy gets pooped on. A lot. So much for that changing pad cover, too. Ha!

3. The “I hate my swaddle, give me my arms back!!!” trick

The setup: It’s bedtime. Baby acts tired enough that Daddy thinks, ‘Aww, she looks so sweet and incapable of having a meltdown when she’s in an irreversible milk coma – must be swaddle time.’ Once gently placed in swaddle, baby becomes more wide-eyed and alert than she’s been the entire day and proceeds to struggle as if being tortured.

The punchline: Daddy feels guilty about not letting his own child move freely. Who does he think he is, God? Just when he’s about to report himself to Child Services … baby peacefully falls asleep.

4. The “I don’t have to burp!!” trick

How the trick works: Baby does not see the point in being burped because, helloooo, she doesn’t have a burp in her system, Daddy. Meanwhile, baby is still hungry so she starts to CRYRYRYRYRYRYWAAAAAAAHHHHHH—

The payoff: —WAAAAAAHHHBLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEURRRRRP. Baby had to burp, after all. Ha!

5. The “Woohoo, I love me some tummy time” trick

The setup: Baby thoroughly enjoys her first 30 seconds of tummy time. Might even be her new favorite post-womb experience. She’s practically showing off – look how strong her neck is! ‘She’s gotta be in the 99th percentile for Neck Strength,’ Daddy deduces proudly. Baby really seems to like the Mozart music Daddy’s playing, too. Baby is grateful that Daddy put her in this position.

The payoff: Baby suddenly finds this horrible position that Daddy put her in COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE, WHAT IS HAPPENING, WHYYY IS DADDY SO MEAN, WAAAAAAAAAH. Okay, phew, it’s over, Daddy picked her up, never mind, false alarm. Ha!

Any more cute-but-evil baby tricks I should be aware of? Post them in the comments before it’s too late!

And could you hand me that burp cloth on top of the ceiling fan? Sorry, I have no idea how it got there.