Okay, so this is by no means a "how to" guide. Honestly, it's really just me organizing the massive amount of data I've found on the subject for the sake of helping my brain process it--or at least try to process it, not sure I'm succeeding.

Basically, it seems like these are the rules:

A. The Actual Book Writing
1. Write book.
2. Edit book.
3. Find a good editor, pay them to edit book.
4. Edit book again.
5. Give book back to Editor, again.
6. Find beta readers--as many as possible. Wait for their notes. Read their notes.
7. Edit again.
8. Give back to Editor, again.
9. Maybe, just maybe, the book is now at a place that could pass as "professional".

B. Pre-publishing (not necessarily in this order).
1. Read the really really long contracts given by indie publishing platforms--Amazon, iTunes, Smashwords, Createspace, etc.,)
2. Make website.
3. Hook up to all social networks imaginable.
4. Get book covers.
5. Learn what the endless acronyms mean.
6. Avoid all advertising scams.
7. Remember to consume something other than coffee.

C. Publishing
1. Upload all files correctly.
2. Wait.
3. Ask everyone you know to read and review your work. Then remember that you've written kinky threesome erotica and maybe sending out a mass blast to all your Facebook friends is a bad idea. Blame lack of sleep and too much coffee for your bad judgement.
4. Completely freak out that obviously everything you've ever written is terrible and no one will ever like it.
5. Get your first positive review from a complete stranger, rocket to cloud nine, and float around like a bastion of sunshine until you get your first negative review from a complete stranger, in which case, plummet back into insane depression.
6. Eventually learn that, as Taylor Swift once said, "haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate", and return to being a stable human being (or at least faking it as well as usual).