self-care series((part six of eight))
- your worth is beyond numbers -
each night i lay in the dark, desperate for sleep and instead of counting sheep i count calories. as the tally racks up, i berate myself for being born as a living creature who needs food for survival. 
each morning i carry my corpse to the scale, barefoot on the cold glass i watch the numbers spin. it's gone up .2 and suddenly its harder to hold myself up, as though the weight is added to a bag on my back. 
i unlock my phone and open each social media app one by one. i've dropped a follower and my photo likes are nothing compared to hers.
subconsciously i add up these numbers and feel the punch of a stamp on my chest. the total number labels me and everyone can see it glowing in the dark. 
hi i'm 325, nice to meet you. 
i catch myself, repeat the number, trying to correct myself until i'm finally able to say my name. 
this is a problem that i believe plagues every person at some time in their life. from age to weight to net worth we're surrounded by numbers. it's easy to find your worth in them. 
this is something i've struggled with ever since i can remember. as i've been working to shift my focus from self-hatred to self-care, i've become increasingly aware of my daily struggle with self-esteem. i've let the voices of the media make themselves at home in my heart. they tell me that no one will like me if i'm not thin enough, if i'm not pretty enough, if i'm not wealthy enough. and the expectation is practically unmeetable. 
as i work to capture these negative thoughts as they happen, i am trying to replace them with positive ones. i must believe in my heart that i am worth loving. and it's not easy. 
i imagine that i'm not alone in this struggle. that i'm not the only person out there who has tried to find my self-worth in these temporary things. if you're with me in this, i hope you know how wonderful you are. i hope you know that your spirit is so strong and your life holds so much more meaning than the shapes and numbers that you hold onto. you can leave a legacy of love and acceptance, but this starts with you. 
you must dig out the hurtful thoughts by the roots. don't let them back in. look in the mirror and say 'i love you.' tell yourself that you're worth is found in the lives you touch, the joy you bring to those around you, the warmth you give. these things can't be measured in numbers. tell yourself that there are galaxies within you, a unique beauty that only you can give.
it may not be easy. it may be something that we fight for every day, but i know that it'll be worth the fight.
we're in this together. 


  xo,
Ashley 

Listening to:
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