Encouraging the child within, the hurt part of your personality, and calming it allows you to accept old fears. As if you were speaking to your own frightened child, you explain to them that you are safe. You carry out a mental or spoken conversation with them. If you have trouble remembering yourself as a child, photos or objects from that time may help you connect with your childhood. You can ask the child within what it is afraid of, how it feels, and welcome the answers openheartedly and warmly from the adult point of view. Likewise, you can explain to them that their feelings are okay but, in the moment, everything is safe. The adult part must stand up for the child-self. This conversation is about lovingly accepting their doubts and fears, not obedience.

A wonderful form of appreciation is a method from writing therapy that I briefly outlined in the relevant chapter: Writing letters. It perhaps seems strange that you dedicate a letter to your in-ner child, the little nipper who once were. Nonetheless, it can be wonderful and helpful to spend time with them. An encouraging and comforting example from me is this letter:
 

My little, stubborn, lively, sad, curious, bubbly, playful sweetheart,

There will be people who see the world with different eyes to yours and make fun of and reject you and your values and make them out to be unreasonable. Despite this, stay true to yourself and hold on tight to what you believe. You are just as important as they are.
There will be people who trigger helplessness and weaknesses in you with their words and actions, who play with their power and would run down anyone – not just you – just to be at the top. They are afraid of falling behind. Stay strong and let them go their way, even when you do not understand it.

There will be situations that you didn’t see coming. This is exactly when you should watch out for and stick by yourself, loving yourself as you are and remembering what you are worth. Everything passes, sooner or later. Every thought passes by. No pain lasts forever.

There will always – no exceptions – be a solution for every problem. Even if these solutions are not what you would have wanted. At the end of the day, every-one will have and get what they need and deserve. If necessary, even a wake-up lesson.

There will be people whose possessions and respect is more important than any-thing else. Perhaps they will try to buy you or impress you with what they have. Perhaps they will even expect you to be nicer to them – love them – because you are impressed by their possessions and image. Make your own decisions regardless of this, let them go their way, and refocus on your value.

There will be people who leave you, even if you have not changed or nothing has happened. Forgive them and relate it only to them and their dreams. Your value remains the same.

There will be people who leave you, because you changed or want to change. Forgive them and relate it only to them and their desires. Your journey remains the same. Do not be held back by others’ fears or desires. Many relationships will only serve for a certain time.
There will be people who you hurt through your actions and words. Remind yourself that these people and relationships are living and cannot only be hurt but also healed from their pain again. Take the first step.

There will people who are unable to apologize for their mistakes or say thanks. For nothing or no one. They cannot do anything else. It means something to them to be this way and not be any different. It is their form of protection. They are unable to carry any more guilt. They already have – even if you do not see it – enough on their shoulders. It is pointless to question others’ behavior. They will know what they are doing and what for.
Do not try to understand the mind of other people just because they turn their back on you. Don’t ask yourself why someone does or leaves something. Do not invade their thoughts or question their feelings. If they want to disclose something to you, they will do it. If they do not share anything with you, then it’s because they don’t want to.
Never try to convince anyone that you are worth loving. Either the person will see it themselves and love you or they won’t see it and won’t love you. That’s why being sad wastes your time with those who are ready and willing to accept and like you as you are.
Always get back up when you fall. There are some stones that you miss and some mountains that you wrongly believe you can conquer. Don’t be ashamed of trying. Instead, shrug your shoulders and find out what happened so that you can avoid it next time. Try it out, but never give up. Always keep going. It is the only way that you will reach your goal.

Be good to yourself and your body, not only when you are sick. Look after yourself, even on healthy days. Learn the measure of all things and never deliberately hurt your body. It gives you a home for your life on earth. When your house is broken, your life will not be worth living.

Try to forgive all the people who have hurt you, including yourself. They could not do anything else. They were caught in themselves. They were afraid. They had a different way before them. If you hurt someone, recognize it and apologize if you still can. The more liberated you are from your actions and their consequences, the freer and more independent you will be able to be in the future.

Make strong connections. Don’t be afraid of getting hurt. Do not shy away from expressing your feelings.

Love with all your heart even if it turns out to be a mistake afterward. Those will be the days that you remember later. That is how you will be remembered.

Be unconditional, but not naive. Love with the heart of a child but the sense of an adult. Skip around like a child, but pursue your goal like an adult.

Maintain your lightness, joy, and longing, but use it directly for the greater good in which you live.

Always preserve the interests of the community. If they no longer fit your own, make sure that someone else preserves them in your place and take a new path with a new community. Get involved in every group with your many ideas and emotions. Give something of your ability. Only in this way will you grow and find people that are suited to you.

Last but not least, there will be times that are there for solitude in order to re-turn to yourself and regather strength. But also remember that people are not made for loneliness. Whichever reasons you will have for being alone or not alone, make sure that you are always in the right place at the right time. Every situation is made for you to help you grow more and learn to understand yourself. Always show sympathy for yourself. This is your only shield of protection in all the times that are still difficult. But know, too, that every period of grief and pain must give way to the life in you at some point.

Accept death, but choose life. Use it as well as possible as long as you live.

Sincerely,
Your adult Janett!


Such letters or words in themselves can provide valuable in-sights into the dynamics of the fear of being alone. Every person feels alone or even lonely from time to time. The difference is how you value the time for you alone. If you experienced time alone as negative and frightening in the past, our brain offers a new chance of remembering how you felt back then in order to work through it. If the brain was not ready to start making this change, then it would not confront you with it.