Review of Signs in the Rearview Mirror: Leaving a Toxic Relationship Behind~ Dawn Borellis~
Review of “Signs in The Review Mirror: Leaving a Toxic Relationship Behind” written by Kelly Smith
A spellbinding account of what it looks and feels like to get sucked into a toxic relationship. Kelly skillfully recounts her inner journey to unravel how she allowed herself to be manipulated, all the while ignoring her intuition. which was telling her that this relationship and this man were toxic.
Kelly takes her readers along on her cathartic pursuit to understand the complicated relationships that lead her to one of the darkest moments of her life. She opens up herself and her private inner world in an attempt to, not only more fully understand her own behaviors and actions playing out in her dysfunctional relationship with Gabe, but also to try and spare others from the same pain and self-loathing that she experienced as a result.
Kelly takes us back to the roots of her relationship past of having parents who were unable to give their six children a minimally loving and nurturing environment. Kelly longed to be loved and accepted the way that parents should when interacting with their children. She did everything right yet still didn’t get the emotional response from her primary attachment figures that would provide her with the skills to have a healthy interpersonal relationship pattern. Often, when we do not get what we need or want from these primary attachment figures, we attempt to recreate the relationship with potential love interests later in life. We, in essence, are often attracted to people with similar character traits as our parents or caregivers. We then try and win their love all over again, as if we are that child vying for the love and acceptance of our parental figures. We subconsciously try to write the wrong of our upbringing. If only we can be good enough, we can love them enough, we can fix them and then they will return that love in a way that we have only been able to imagine! Forever grateful that we were able to see the light buried deep inside them, coax it out and make them whole. Not only will we, in return receive the pure unconditional love we have poured into them, but we will also heal ourselves in the process. We will prove once and for all that we are loveable.
But unfortunately, that is not the way it works. Two broken people do not make a whole, they make a broken couple. Gabe and Kelly were broken in many ways, and the tornado they seemed to create together spilled into all areas of her life, including her friendships, her relationship with her children and her mental and physical health. She became a different person from the feisty version of herself she once was. As hard as it was to read at times, sitting in the comforts of our homes on our judgment chair yelling “NO!!! What are you doing??? Stop enabling him!!” Many of us are right there with her, swept up into the “I’m gonna fix him/her and he/she is going to love me forever because of it” logic. Many of us have had to exercise that old attachment demon and we have had to convince ourselves that we were loveable, we are whole, we are good enough.
Kelly takes responsibility in this book for the parts she played in creating a relationship and life that she could no longer be proud of. She has accepted the fact that she was not a victim, but an active participant in allowing Gabe to abuse her over and over again. She is remorseful for not being able to be a better relationship role model to her kids and for missing out on important moments with family and friends because of this toxic relationship with Gabe. She not only owns up to it, but she uses her cutting wit and skillful way with words to warn others not to fall into the same trap.
Kelly’s journey, although painful, was necessary for her in many ways. She needed to walk through hell and back in order to appreciate her life again. She needed to walk through to the other side of the “I’m not worthy” place and find herself and her strength. She now practices acceptance of who she is and how she came to be a wiser, stronger version of herself. Not only is Kelly’s story an engaging story to read, but it is also a bit of a gut check for us all. When it feels bad, don’t do it. This is often so much easier to say than do in a society and culture that continually distracts us form listening to our own intuition. So often we know better. Never the less, we persist, chasing bad relationships, doing things we know are not right in our attempts to win the love of the emotionally unavailable. Hopefully Kelly’s words will reach that one person that is asking themselves “what am I doing?” and Kelly’s story will be the outside voice that saves them days, months or years, of chasing or perpetuating something that is toxic.
Dawn Borellis
MA Counseling Psychology
