I woke up today like I do each Saturday, slow.. No kids to feed. No dog to take out. Actually it’s like I do each day. Since I left my oral surgery job, I pretty much live my life around my writing schedule and it is pretty amazing. Saturday mornings lately,  I have gotten into the habit of attending the 11:30 am spin class near my house. I get to the studio, grab my shoes, and sit on bike 23 each and every week. Two teenage girls sit half naked in front of me and ride that bike as if they are getting paid for it. I fear one day they will throw out a hip trying to be sexy in a dark room full of strangers. Today like every Saturday, I got on my bike and started to ride. The lights went down low and the music came screaming up. The instructor, Tasha, gave out directions and I was eager to follow her lead. Today the room seemed darker and a little warmer than usual, but I pressed on. By the middle of the ride, I was sweaty and feeling pretty good, until the next song came on. When I heard this song, it tugged at my memories. It pulled out certain ones, getting yelled at for no reason, being hit for the first time, name calling, and being pushed out of a moving car. Before I knew it I had hundreds of memories filing my mind and sliding down my face disguising themselves as tears. As I peddled on my bike and cried at the same time in that warmer than usual room, I was brought back to a tough part in my life. That song triggered a memory from years ago. A new song was released into the world and it caught fire.

“Someone I used to Know”.

I loved it. I played it and I memorized the words. Back then I was in my toxic relationship. My boyfriend at the time, had an issue with me liking this song. He questioned me, angrily, as to why I liked it. When I told him it was just a good song, he bullied me to give him an answer as to why I liked it.

“ But why. But why. Why do you like it so much” he would question over and over. 

When I couldn’t give him the answer he wanted, he stopped talking to me. Insisted I knew why I liked it so much but would not be honest with him. When he saw I commented on someone’s post about the song, he got more upset which lead me to delete my social media. For months he pressured me into answering him as to why I liked that song.  It would come up while we fought. He insisted I was keeping something from him. I just liked it. I still do. No mystery here, but that song today in my class that reminded me of “Someone I used to Know”  released that memory and then more and more of how abusive he was. If I posted a smile to reply to someone’s comment, I was a whore who was looking for it. If I didn’t respond exactly how he wanted me to, I was looking for attention or playing stupid. All of these memories flooded my mind during a time I take for myself. A time I let go of everything in my life that is stressing me out, memories were breaking me down. Normally when this happens, I run. I go home. I sit and cry. But today I stayed. As I sat on my bike with tears rolling off my face faster than I was peddling, the room got darker and then Tasha started to talk about how all of us have been through some shit in our lives and that being there today meant you there because you survived, which made me cry even more. I sat back for a second, grabbed my towel to wipe my face and gather myself. I fought with the memories for a few, then I let them go. I let them go and finished my ride. She was right. For a minute I thought she knew I was emotional, but she had no idea that her words came through like a knight in shining armour for me.

I have not felt that was in a very long time. Today that song triggered me and it was awful. You have to learn to move on with your life after you have been through something traumatic. You have to learn to cope with anything life will throw at you and be prepared to do the next right thing. Every moment is an opportunity to learn. I left the studio today the same way I came in. I was the same healthy version of me who is living a life I am grateful for. I had some flashbacks, but I overcame and I am proud of myself for choosing a life that is better than it was before.

Thank you Tasha for saying the right thing at the right time. You are amazing and I appreciate you!!