When I wrote my book Signs in the Rearview Mirror: Leaving a Toxic Relationship Behind, I wrote it with the intention to show others not only what a toxic relationship looks like from the inside but also that it is possible to get out of a toxic relationship and to live a happy healthy life after you have healed. It seems that everyone’s story of being in a toxic relationship is the same as mine. I sat hour after hour listening to essentially my story coming out of other people’s mouths. But the one thing that is never the same is the story of recovery and how that looks to each one of us. The unfortunate thing is that not everyone knows you need to heal after not only a toxic relationship, but after any relationship ends. No matter which kind of relationships ends, friendship, co worker, parents, ect, you need to heal in order to move on in a healthy way and in order to not bring into your next relationship all the baggage and damage from your last relationship.  You read my story of getting out of a toxic relationship, now read my story of recovery and what that looked like for me. I hope you can find healing in my words and within my story.

 

Months before entering the church where my very first recovery meeting was, I knew I needed help. Months before I was surrounded by people I didn’t know, in a room full of self help books, a stage covered in musical instruments that was nestled in the middle of a church, I knew.  I knew I needed help with my anger. While I was still married to Derek I remember sitting with him on the couch in our living room one morning and I was apologizing to him for my latest public meltdown the evening before. He asked me what he should do when that happens. The look on his face concerned and scared, it melted my heart and i felt awful that I was so mean to him. On the inside I had no idea why I was so mean. So angry. I looked at him and I told him to try to say something funny like “are those monkeys coming out of your butt” the next time I was angry. Fast forward to Derek saying that in the middle of a massive anger episode. It didn’t work. In fact it made things worse. He never tried that again. For years while I was yelling or insulting Derek, I knew it was wrong. I knew he never deserved to be treated the way I was treating him, but even after I had calmed down, I could not figure out why I was like that. When nothing came of it, when he didn’t seem bothered by it, I let it go. I let it slide. I didn’t revisit my anger until I was angry again. For years I was like this. Controlling. Angry. When i asked him a question and he didn’t answer exactly how I wanted him to, I was set off. And at other times I wasn’t. I had no idea I was forcing Derek to walk on eggshells. I had no idea what I was doing to him was abusive. I had no idea that I was toxic.

 

In order for me to win Gabe back from Tiffani, I decided to go to a meeting. I knew the day he moved out while I was laying on our bedroom floor I needed help but making the decision to admit you need help is a struggle and it is even more difficult to get in the car and chase help. My true intentions were to go to one meeting, get the feel of it and then lie to Gabe and tell him was going and actually in recovery without being in recovery. I was convinced I had no issues and I don’t need help. I was wrong. But that Idea is what got me in the car to get to the meeting in the first place. It is not how you start…

 

After I got the tour of the church from Melody the leader, I found a seat in the big room. As I sat in that room I looked around at all the people. I tried to figure out why each of them were there. Celebrate Recovery or CR  is a mixture of habits and hangups. Alcohol. Drugs. Sex addiction. Food addiction. Anger. Narcissism. Anything you need to recover from you can recover from it here. I wondered how many were faking it in the same way I was? Who would want to put the time in to recover? Why? I was there just to go through the motions.  A one and done sort of thing. I had no intentions of ever showing up again. Up until that point in my life I had no idea what recovery even meant. When we were kids my dad was an alcoholic so my mom had us go to ala-teen. That was my only point of reference. So at my first CR meeting I thought I would go in, look down on everyone, leave and win Gabe back. But what ended up really happening was I discovered my anger, codependency, controlling and narcissistic issues. Little did I know they all met me in that room on that day. They were sitting close to me. They were watching me and they were waiting. Waiting for me to see them too. Eventually I did. That night another seed was planted. As I continued to scan the room, I saw someone get up on the stage that sat in the middle of the room and they began to mess with the mic. Soon after we all stood up and I again looked around the room to see what was happening. Music. Great. Singing. I thought. Music was happening and everyone began to sing, well everyone but me. I watched with big eyes and listened with open ears and thought about running out.  Pretending to have a full bladder, the flu, an infection, a call with 911 attached to it. Anything to get me out of there. What the hell was I doing there? I had no idea what I was thinking showing up that night. But I stayed. Not sure why, but I did.

 

After the music stopped and we all sat down, Melody got on stage. She introduced herself to the group and welcomed the new people. She explained that the new people where to stay in the big room after the first meeting for a small orientation about the program. I felt nervous as I sat there in that room full of strangers. Full of sufferers just like me.  I felt unsure of myself and wondered how I had derailed my life enough to be there in the first place. Instead of listening to what the speaker was saying in my head i went over all the ways I could explain to this Gabe. How I would be a hero in his eyes and he would come running back to me when he found out I actually got the 2 hours of help he insisted I needed. At the time while he was telling me I was the one who needed help he was deflecting on the actual issues of our relationship turned love triangle turned the the bain of my existence, but little did we both know, he a was actually right. I did need help and that night was the first night of the rest of my life.

 

After the music, the introductions, and the guest speaker  spoke of her journey with Celebrate Recovery, her life leading up to deciding to get help with a recovery program and how much this program has helped to change and transform her life, and after all the cheering was over, it was time for what they called small group meetings. The small group meetings were divided up between men and women no more than 6 people in each group. As everyone stood up to move to the smaller meeting, Melody called me over and sat with me for a few minutes. She explained that in the small group meetings there were rules.

 

Keep you  sharing focused on your own thoughts and feelings.
There is no cross talk. Cross talk  is when two people engage in conversation excluding all others. Each person is free to express his or her feelings without interruptions
We are here to support one another, not to “fix” one another. This keep us focused on our own issues
Anonymity and confidentiality are basic requirements. What is shared in the group stays in the group. The only exception is when someone threatens to injure themselves or others.
Offensive language has no place in a Christ centered recovery group ( I had difficulty with this one )

 

After she had explained the rules and asked if I had any questions, the only question I had was being asked in my head  “what the fuck am I doing here”, we got up and she lead me to my very first small group meeting. I had no idea what to expect during my first small group meeting. I didn’t know anyone and of course I was hesitant. But I got up and I followed Melody out of the church, down a long walkway outside and into another building.

 

As we opened the door to the second location, the AC blasted my face and suddenly I was frozen with not only the cold air but also with fear. Fear of the unknown. But I reluctantly followed her down  long hallway that lead us to a shorter hallway and a handful of doors. Once inside the small room, I took a seat and Melody introduced me to the women sitting around a table in a cold room with a big clock hanging on the wall. It was within that cold room, with that clock hanging onto my every word that I opened myself up. That I discovered my hurts and why I had gotten into a toxic relationship. It was within those walls that I discovered why I was so angry and it was within those walls that I began to heal and recover from all of it.