This week is invisible disabilities week. We won’t talk like everyone doesn’t know my MS is the elephant in the room. Dealing with MS is truly a challenge and has grown to be more difficult as I’ve gotten older. Things are changing and happening that I never experienced when I was first diagnosed; it’s like you’re aging quicker than usual. It gets tiring when you see the facial expressions when you say “I’m tired” or your ready to go home or you just want to stay in bed.

It’s never my choice to isolate myself or not become social. The challenge is that dealing with a chronic illness is exactly that, it’s chronic. It never goes always. It’s more of a constant lull and intensifies when it wants to without warning. It also effects so many areas of ones life: social, emotional, relationships, lifestyle etc. You’re constantly adjusting your life to your physical circumstances and not many people want to shift with you; and that can hurt.

It’s embarrassing no matter how understanding someone is. No one ever wants to feel like a burden or feel as though they are “killing the vibe”. That’s why I don’t get out much unless my family is with me or if I’m able to drive which is almost never. My anxiety crawls all over me, I lose my energy very easily, I can’t keep up with the crowd. People ask why don’t I drive, because I am constantly scared. My legs can give out at any point and it can cause dangerous consequences.

Dealing with a silent disability is a constant fight within yourself to be normal even though you look like you are. It’s a total mess of thoughts and solutions that in itself exhausts someone. The way it effects the brain where you can’t even remember what you said last or what to say next. Again, I don’t express these feelings to depict a depressing attitude but I’m showing the reality of it all. Learning to love someone dealing with something like this has to come from a deep place.

I would always hear “you need someone who is really going to love you and care for you” and I get the reasoning behind that but at times it can feel like my sickness makes me harder to love. But then I had to readjust myself and remember that love moves past any negative thinking because you court someone with the mindset of knowing anything can happen whether it’s in the beginning, middle or end.

One thing I can say is to always surround yourself with those who will understand, who are willing to understand and also accept that not everyone will understand. I’m sure the latter will hurt the most but that’s why you’re reading this.. because I do understand. I’m here to help you see you’re not alone.