Disclaimer: This post was written in January but never posted. many are going to read this blog and swear that I’m lying, but I have nothing to gain from lying. This is how my marriage was to me. Sure his version will be different, but I know what I dealt with and how I dealt with it, so believe it or not! No, I wasn’t perfect in my marriage, neither of us were, that’s why I worked so hard at trying to make it work, but I quickly learned one person cannot make a marriage work, it is a team effort and when I needed a team effort, all I had was myself.

So, Read at your own risk, but keep your negativity to your!

Most of my marriage, I heard how great of a man my husband was and how lucky I was to have him. In other’s eyes, he could do no wrong. When trouble arose, it was always my fault. Because he was my husband, I never allowed others to talk bad about him.

But I knew the truth. There was another side to my husband. Yes, my husband was sweet, charming, helpful, loving, and respectful BUT he was also mean, spiteful, nonchalant, arrogant, stubborn, and emotionally abusive.

No, he never put his hands on me, because he knew we would fight. While I made it perfectly clear, I wouldn’t tolerate a man putting his hands on me, I failed to make it clear that I wouldn’t accept any type of abuse. My husband was emotionally and sometimes verbally abusive. Mostly emotionally abusive and yes that is a real thing and yes it hurt just as much as physical abuse. The excessive mind games, the hot and cold part is what hurts the most. It broke me down mentally and spiritually. It took me a long time to even realize what it was and it took me an even longer time to finally, completely, and utterly let go of him. All of him. Sure, we separated plenty of times and the charming side of him would always lure me back. After about four or five separations, I finally gathered the strength to leave. I didn’t tell many people and the ones I did tell, kept my secret. I secretly starting planning my exit. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and the scariest, but I finally did it. I’ve been in my own place almost four months and for the most part it’s been okay, because although we are separated my husband was helping me out monetarily, but of course it came at a price, which looking back on it. I was so stupid to get caught up in his web once again. Not that it’s an excuse, but cutting that cord and going cold turkey has been so hard especially when someone has been in your life since you were 13. That’s almost half of my life.

Anyway, I realized my mistake and ended things before falling back into the same ole habits and falling for his charm. Well charmers don’t like when their charm doesn’t work, so their spitefulness is quick to show. Seeing my husband’s spitefulness hurts. It hurts a lot, but I realize I had to hurt like this, I have to see his spitefulness, so that I’ll never forget it and so that I’ll never go back. God delivered me out of my marriage, yet I was still straddling the fence. He had to get my attention and force me to choose a side. So I did, I choose me. If my mom could raise 8 kids and grandkids back in the day, then surely I can find a way to raise two (one lives with him) It’s not easy and it hurts to know that a man I loved with my entire heart, treats me like a stranger instead of the mother of his children, but I am a strong woman and I know I will get through this. I come from a line of strong women, so I know that there is strength within me, but that doesn’t mean that I still don’t hurt, because I do. It hurts like hell. But like any strong woman and mother, I will hold my head high and show my girls that you can do whatever you put your mind to and you can do it without a man.

Know the signs of emotional abuse and know that there are more abuses than physical or emotional. Remember it’s not your fault, if you are being abuse. Seek help it’s hard dealing with any type of abuse on your own.

Emotional abuse takes a toll on your body just like physical abuse the scars are just not visible.

I suffered from anxiety and depression my entire marriage. I had panic attacks and night terrors. Extreme stress tends to bring on the panic attacks and night terrors, but in four months, I’ve only had one night terror. ONE. That says a lot. I know I have a long road ahead of me and I know it’s not going to be easy, but I’m determined to do it. No other man will ever treat me the way I allowed my husband to treat me. One day, I’ll fall in love again with a man that is definitely equally yoked with me!

Better days are coming. God can calm the fears of moving on not by removing the problem but by revealing his divine powers & presence.

LESS FRET, MORE FAITH.