Patti Doss's Blog

Well that didn’t last long at all? I thought I could do it, but I couldn’t. How do you let go completely of someone who has been in your life forever?

The last few days I kinda went into a deep isolation and just contemplated my life now and where I see it in the future. There was a time when I couldn’t imagine my life WITHOUT my husband, but now I can’t imagine my life WITH him! Every day since I said we can work on our marriage I’ve been miserable. I felt like I was always on eggshells wondering if I’m saying the wrong thing or hurting his feelings? I felt trapped, isolated, and even though he was around, alone!!!! That’s no way to feel. Yet, I fought against that. I ignore the tugging at my heart for my kids’ sake. They were happy at the thought of us being together. I didn’t wanna smash their happiness but their happiness meant my sadness and I’m not helping them if I’m only functioning at a half cup full. I had to make a decision and as much as it going hurt them. I think it’s the best decision for us all.

Being single was hard. I struggled with it everyday especially coming from anlong term relationship since I was 13, but the fear will pass and life will go on. If I made it through 7 months of being alone I know I can deal with it for longer.

Life goes on……

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There’s this notion that most people born under the Cancer horoscopes are natural born cry babies….well I must be the exception to the rules because crying is my biggest pet peeve. What people will not acknowledge about cancers is the fact that even though we may be emotional (I’ll admit, I’m emotional, just not a crier) we are natural born nurturers and lovers. The greatest love you will ever know will come from a Cancer or maybe even a Pisces, but I’m a Cancer so let’s focus on the Cancer aspect. Anyway, back to what I was saying, cancers are nurturers, whether we want to or not we tend to fall into the motherly role in our friendships and even relationships. We become the go to counselor for people that do not believe in or want to deal with real counseling. We are often strong, independent women with a confidence level on borderline selfish. Because we are generally seen as strong many fail to realize the toll being everyone’s nurturer really is. It’s tiresome and most times than not, it weighs us down. It’s weakens us (although we will probably never admit it). For every person, we nurture or assist, we lose a piece of ourselves become we genuinely care and we take on other’s issues as if they are our own. I remember when I was a columnist for an urban magazine during the peak of police brutality and police murders of people of color. Almost every day there were a new police shooting to write about. It got so bad that I would literally dream of police brutalities in my sleep. I had to stop writing about it so much because it was affecting my personal life too much. Although we love helping others, it can get overbearing and then you need strength, but because everyone sees you as a strong person, you rarely get the love, support, and help that you need to get through whatever you are dealing with. So you learn to hide it, mask your weaknesses so the world won’t see you as anything other than strong.

Maybe it’s just me, though.

Transparency has never been my thing. Not that it’s healthy but I don’t like bothering people with my issues even though I have some wonderful friends and family that I know would help me. Through the years though, I have learned that pretending to be strong when you are not is stupid and tiresome. I learned that being transparent can really help you as well as help others. This last year has been extremely hard for me. I went through so much and I was ashamed to admit to myself let alone someone else, so I bottled it all inside until I just could hold anything else and I had to release it. It took baby steps and something I had to start back over at that first step but I am now in a better place and better able to get the help I need when I am weakened. So, here is my moment of transparency, I hope it empowers or help someone else.

My Life

October 2018, my life drastically changed. I left my husband of 13 years (been together total of 20 years) and moved out on my own. Scared can’t even begin to describe what I felt. I was more than fearful. I was petrified of how to do it mentally, physically, etc. All I knew is that I had three children (two of which are girls) looking up to me, so I couldn’t afford to breakdown. I couldn’t afford to give up. I had to keep pushing even though majority of the time, I just wanted to quit. Without the help of God, I never would have made it through that time in my life. I was resentment, hurt, and in constant pain. I was so sick mentally that it started taking a toll on my health from panic attacks to night terrors to chest pains to knee pain. I was literally killing myself holding in what I was dealing with. It wasn’t until I got heavy into praying and meditating and reading my Bible and religious self-help books that I started to see a shift in my life. I was so busy blaming my husband for everything that I didn’t see my part in all of it, which simply was I ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN! For a while, it hit me hard, realizing that I unconsciously lowered my standards and accepted mistreatment in fear of being alone or being criticized for not being a good wife. I had to learn to forgive myself and move on and trust me it wasn’t easy. For someone that hates to cry, I found myself crying all time. I would sit in my car at night and cry my eyes out and come in the house like everything was fine. I would take long drives and cry. Lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Turn on the faucet or shower, so my kids wouldn’t hear. Things got so bad, the tears would try to come in my not so private moments. I could be out and see a married couple and my eyes would fill with tears and I’d have to rush to a bathroom or leave the area. It got hard to visit my mom or interact with my church family in fear that someone would notice what was wrong.

Somehow, I learned to let go of resentment. I stopped playing the blame game. I stopped seeing the wrong that others were doing to me and learned to focus on my reaction to those wrongdoings and things started to look up and get a little better. I was moving on with my life as best as I could until my husband told me, he had a girlfriend, Actually, I heard it from my children first, which hurt like hell because first, you didn’t have the decency to tell me yourself. Secondly, you already introduced our child to her and lastly, she was a factor in our marriage before. All of that, drugged me back to resentment, briefly. Oh yes, I was pissed. I was hurt and I damn sure let him know. Fuck all that self help crap. My heart was literally broken. I was really broken. I had my moments of breaking down and even as I write this, tears are forming, remembering all the craps I dealt with at that time. I eventually got back on my path to peace and I became at ease with him moving on with his life because it seemed that our journey was truly over. Hell as a nurturer, I even found myself on occasions giving him advice on how to make and keep her happy via text never in person because he would have saw the tears welled up in my eyes. I know that’s crazy ass hell, but I didn’t want to be the bitter baby momma. If he was ready to move on, I wasn’t going to be the one to sabotage it. But little did I know it was in those moments that my husband began to see something in me, that he didn’t see in our marriage or something that I lost along the way in our marriage. Whereas we couldn’t stand each other sight, we managed to be around each and talk and laugh again. That did wonders for us both and our children who throughout this entire ordeal was trapped in the middle of trying to please both parents. It was as hard for them as it was for me. Anyway, you never know if you are completely over something until you are tested on that very thing. Tests came our way and surprisingly, we passed, but as we passed our tests, it created issues elsewhere. The more things got better between my husband and I, the worse things got between my husband and his girlfriend until they were done and we agreed to give our marriage another try. Most wives would have been happy at the husband leaving the side chick, homewrecker, etc. But not me! Deep down, I was pissed. I felt like he didn’t want me, he just wanted to save face. I felt as if I was his safe choice. I was convenient. Resentment reared its ugly head and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt as if I was losing my independence, my voice, and the very essence of what made me me. I didn’t want to be anyone’s second choice, so I rebelled. I fought against everything he was trying to do, not realizing that he was really trying to be better. Things got tense again, I shutdown and started back internalizing things until I felt myself slipping back into depression and giving into my fears and I decided to dive back into the Word, meditating and praying. It’s only been one month but we are getting stronger as husband and wife every day, but it wasn’t until I acknowledged and faced the issues in my life and worked on me as an individual did I understand how to truly overcome.

Disclaimer: This post was written in January but never posted. many are going to read this blog and swear that I’m lying, but I have nothing to gain from lying. This is how my marriage was to me. Sure his version will be different, but I know what I dealt with and how I dealt with it, so believe it or not! No, I wasn’t perfect in my marriage, neither of us were, that’s why I worked so hard at trying to make it work, but I quickly learned one person cannot make a marriage work, it is a team effort and when I needed a team effort, all I had was myself.

So, Read at your own risk, but keep your negativity to your!

Most of my marriage, I heard how great of a man my husband was and how lucky I was to have him. In other’s eyes, he could do no wrong. When trouble arose, it was always my fault. Because he was my husband, I never allowed others to talk bad about him.

But I knew the truth. There was another side to my husband. Yes, my husband was sweet, charming, helpful, loving, and respectful BUT he was also mean, spiteful, nonchalant, arrogant, stubborn, and emotionally abusive.

No, he never put his hands on me, because he knew we would fight. While I made it perfectly clear, I wouldn’t tolerate a man putting his hands on me, I failed to make it clear that I wouldn’t accept any type of abuse. My husband was emotionally and sometimes verbally abusive. Mostly emotionally abusive and yes that is a real thing and yes it hurt just as much as physical abuse. The excessive mind games, the hot and cold part is what hurts the most. It broke me down mentally and spiritually. It took me a long time to even realize what it was and it took me an even longer time to finally, completely, and utterly let go of him. All of him. Sure, we separated plenty of times and the charming side of him would always lure me back. After about four or five separations, I finally gathered the strength to leave. I didn’t tell many people and the ones I did tell, kept my secret. I secretly starting planning my exit. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and the scariest, but I finally did it. I’ve been in my own place almost four months and for the most part it’s been okay, because although we are separated my husband was helping me out monetarily, but of course it came at a price, which looking back on it. I was so stupid to get caught up in his web once again. Not that it’s an excuse, but cutting that cord and going cold turkey has been so hard especially when someone has been in your life since you were 13. That’s almost half of my life.

Anyway, I realized my mistake and ended things before falling back into the same ole habits and falling for his charm. Well charmers don’t like when their charm doesn’t work, so their spitefulness is quick to show. Seeing my husband’s spitefulness hurts. It hurts a lot, but I realize I had to hurt like this, I have to see his spitefulness, so that I’ll never forget it and so that I’ll never go back. God delivered me out of my marriage, yet I was still straddling the fence. He had to get my attention and force me to choose a side. So I did, I choose me. If my mom could raise 8 kids and grandkids back in the day, then surely I can find a way to raise two (one lives with him) It’s not easy and it hurts to know that a man I loved with my entire heart, treats me like a stranger instead of the mother of his children, but I am a strong woman and I know I will get through this. I come from a line of strong women, so I know that there is strength within me, but that doesn’t mean that I still don’t hurt, because I do. It hurts like hell. But like any strong woman and mother, I will hold my head high and show my girls that you can do whatever you put your mind to and you can do it without a man.

Know the signs of emotional abuse and know that there are more abuses than physical or emotional. Remember it’s not your fault, if you are being abuse. Seek help it’s hard dealing with any type of abuse on your own.

Emotional abuse takes a toll on your body just like physical abuse the scars are just not visible.

I suffered from anxiety and depression my entire marriage. I had panic attacks and night terrors. Extreme stress tends to bring on the panic attacks and night terrors, but in four months, I’ve only had one night terror. ONE. That says a lot. I know I have a long road ahead of me and I know it’s not going to be easy, but I’m determined to do it. No other man will ever treat me the way I allowed my husband to treat me. One day, I’ll fall in love again with a man that is definitely equally yoked with me!

Better days are coming. God can calm the fears of moving on not by removing the problem but by revealing his divine powers & presence.

LESS FRET, MORE FAITH.

[image error]They say the first step to fixing any problem is to admit that you have one.  Well, being black, let along a black woman, sometimes it’s hard to admit when you have a problem out of fear of being judged, ridiculed, or simply ignored. Therapy to black families is like kryptonite to Superman.  I grew up thinking that therapy was bad and just another way for people to get into your business so when my marriage hit a rough patch, we did what most black families do and tried to fix it ourselves not realizing that we lacked the tools and skills needed to do so. By the time we realized just how deep of a mess we were in, it was basically too late, but we tried to revive what was left by finally going outside of the family for counseling and for the most part, it helped in some ways. We tried spiritual counseling and for a while it work as well as grew us closer to the Lord, but spiritual counseling can only take you so far and eventually you need to seek professional counseling and that’s where my marriage came to an impasse. I wanted counseling and he didn’t. Our marriage was deadlocked. I thought professional counseling was our last resort at saving our marriage and he didn’t. I’m not blaming him for our marriage failing, because we both played a role in that. What I’m saying is that a history of being programmed that therapy is wrong, led us to not getting the help that we needed, when we needed despite the fact that most of the people speaking against therapy wasn’t in a healthy relationship themselves to tell us anything. Nevertheless, we didn’t do the professional counseling and resentment, and a lack of skills to truly forgive and work through our issues created a bigger hole in my marriage until we eventually separated.  And as much as I wanted to blame my husband for it, I was just as much to blame as him because in the whole ordeal, I allowed it to make me cold, bitter, and to walk in unforgiveness. I thought I was over the hurt and pain or things that I endured and I wasn’t. I just buried it. I ignored it. I pushed it down so far that I tricked myself in to believing that it was gone when it wasn’t.

Sometimes you are too close to a situation to see things and like the song says, too close to the mirror to see what you see… I was too close to my marriage to see it for what it really was….destroying us both and our children.  We thought that because we love each other and we have children together that we were supposed to stay together, but that’s not always the case. It was not helping our children to see us together but watching us argue all the time. It was not doing our children any good to see us together, but never showing any signs that we love each other. No, we were just perpetuation a never-ending cycle like we watched going up, that it is okay to live in dysfunction.

I refused to do that. Someone had to make a decision and so we did.  We aren’t perfect. Never claimed to be, but we are trying and making strives to do better and be better and if that mean getting help then doing that.  I can’t speak for my husband, but I can speak for me and I know that I can truly benefit from counseling.

I’m a strong person. Always have been, but when you are a strong person, your strength is also your weakness, because you learn to not show weakness. You learn to hold the pain and hurt inside. You learn to silence yourself to make others feel good, because you are afraid of appearing weak. I know I did that.  I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety most of my life. Not many people know that. Why? Because I’ve never told them. I dealt with it in private and it wasn’t until I moved away from home, that I got a proper diagnosis of what it was and even then my fear of therapy kept me from getting the help I needed. It was one of my college professors in Georgia that also happened to be a psychiatrist that helped me understood what I had been dealing with. But even then and still to this day, I refuse medical treatment because the medication makes you worse than the actual personality disorders, but I learned ways to control my disorders or so I thought I did. What disorders? Like I stated earlier, I suffer with depression and anxiety disorder, but I’ve also dealt with panic disorder (panic attacks) and night terrors.

A whole big ball of crazy, right? That’s what I used to think. That’s why I didn’t want help or therapy but I’m not crazy. I just pushed down so much shit in my life that the depression, anxiety, panic disorders, and night terrors was my body’s way of trying to expel all of the negativity out and force me to deal with things.

Anyway, the problem I had to admit to myself was that I was broken. Emotionally, I was so broken, that I didn’t think I would ever be able to put the pieces back together again. If I didn’t just say that, many of you would have never known. There’s a story behind every smile whether it is complete happiness or a complete lie. I smiled for the world, but I was dying underneath, but because I was a strong person I was expected to just be okay.  My smile kept me from admitting my problem. It kept me from admitting I was weak. It kept me from being a victim, or at least that’s how i saw it. My entire life could be falling apart and no one would ever know. I could have cried myself to sleep the night before and get up the next morning as if nothing is wrong. My smile was so convincing that I almost fooled myself that there was nothing wrong with me, but when you are wake up screaming in the middle of the night, or can’t go to sleep cause you up pacing the floor, or when you’re balled up in fetal position cause you having a panic attack then you realize that you are not okay!  And I wasn’t okay and I had to get myself together for myself and my kids before I could ever think or hope to make any relationship in my life work.

Breaking up is not easy to do contrary to what people think. It is actually the hardest thing to do in a relationship, BUT SOMETIMES IT IS NECESSARY. SO, I DON’T KNOW WHERE THIS ROAD IS TAKING ME, BUT I’VE MADE THE FIRST STEP TO DOING WHAT’S BEST FOR ME.

 

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There’s a thin line between envy and jealousy. No, they are not the same, even though they are often used interchangeably. Even the Bible use the terms in similar meanings.

Jealousy is defined as an emotion; thoughts or feelings of insecurity, fear, concern, and envy over relative lack of possessions.

Envy is defined as a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck. It is the desire to have a quality, possession, or other desirable attribute belonging to (someone else).

As someone once said, “Jealousy is the green-eyed monster turned red!”

Analyzed in the perspective of a traffic light, green means go and red means stop.  When it comes to envy and jealousy, green does not necessarily mean go ahead. In some cases, envy can be healthy. By that I mean it could be healthy to look at what someone else have and desire it; meaning it inspires you to work harder to achieve that status or get that item. The issue comes in when that envy turns into jealousy! When I desire it becomes I want what you have or you don’t even deserve what you got then that is when it becomes dangerous. That is where sin comes into play.

 

Songs of Solomon 8: 6 (KJV) states, “Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame.” This scripture tells us that jealousy is as bad as death, but isn’t that contradictory as we also say, “God is a jealous god!” So how can one be good and the other be bad.

Jealousy can dominate our lives and leads us on a self-destructive path and shortens our spiritual growth and it all arises from the fear attached to the emotion. Jealousy is a fear of being replaced by a rival (or someone seen as a rival) in affection or favors.

Proverbs 27:4 (NIV) Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming,

    but who can stand before jealousy?

Proverbs 27:4 (KJV) Wrath is cruel, and anger is outrageous; but who is able to stand before envy?

Proverbs 14:30 (KJV) A heart at peace gives life to the body,

    but envy [jealousy] rots the bones

While envy can be positive, jealousy, on the other hand, always has a bad meaning.  We have to take a moment and analyze if we are jealous because if we don’t it can kill us.

How do you know if you are jealous or have a jealous spirit? Ask yourself these questions. 

Do you work extremely hard to come out looking good?
Do you examine others with a critical eye?
Do you have hidden feelings of inferiority?
Do you complain about not getting fair treatment?
Do you have an insatiable desire for success?
Do you need a lot of recognition for your achievements?
Do you tend to be status conscious?
Do you find it hard to pay compliments to others?
Do you keep score of your own good deeds and those of others?
Are you willing to pass along negative rumors about a successful person?
Do you put on a false front in order to appear impressive?
Do you base your self-image on your performance?

If you answered yes to some of these questions, you may be having trouble with jealousy, even though you haven’t recognized it.

So, how do you get rid of being jealous or having a jealous spirit?

First off, jealousy is normally a result of an underlying issue within yourself. It is a lack of personal responsibility. To get rid of a jealous spirit,

you must first acknowledge and recognize that you are jealous and that it is harming your spiritual growth (Galatians 5:19-21)
you must make up in your mind to get rid of the jealous spirit (Galatians 5:26)
you must confess it as sin and accept forgiveness (1 John 1:9)
you must accept and love yourself despite flaws with gratitude
you must learn the joy of giving to others and being grateful
you must set your heart on heavenly things because earthly things can only provide temporary happiness

Self-will is very important when trying to overcome something, but self-will will not work alone. You are going to need some spiritual help and that is why you should work at overcoming your issues, but you should also give them to God.

 

 

Most times when people have epiphanies, they are a generally good. Mines didn’t feel so good. In fact, it actually made me feel bad. I woke up out of my sleep with a heaviness and something said, ‘STOP BEING SO HARD! HOW CAN ANYONE HELP YOU, IF YOU WON’T LET THEM IN! LET IT GO!’  I literally heard those words. I don’t know if it was a spiritual thing, or a psychotic break. All I know was that it tugged at my heart-strings and not in a good way. I knew it was the truth. I knew that I lived within a wall stronger and taller than the wall of China. All I could do was pray. I asked the Lord to remove my hardness, to take it away from me, so I can be all that he wants me to be.

For the last few weeks, I have been working on letting go. For the first time in a long time, I’m learning to let go of the past and focus on the present and my future. Living in the past was destroying me and my relationships. I thought by shutting down I was protecting myself, but I was actually doing more harm than good. I’m still a work in progress, but each day gets a little bit better and better. Don’t misunderstand me, though. It’s scary as hell, being open and trusting people to not hurt me. It’s scary to feel vulnerable or judged all the time for doing things that you know you need to do to better yourself. Sometimes you get so used to the hurt, pain, disappointments, and you start to think that it’s you or that it is normal, but it’s NOT!

Although God tells us that we will have days of trouble, He does not say that all of our days should be troublesome. God also says that He can give us peace! Having your peace is unlike anything in the entire world.  The calmness, confidence, and lightness you feel will make you feel better and give you a craving for PEACE.

As I embrace on this journey of peace, I realize how important this scripture is. It’s not the type of trouble we have or even who we have it with; the most important thing is how we react to it! We can’t control others. We can only work on ourselves and until we realize that, we will always be stagnant!

I’m ready for my PEACE, are you? I’m leave you with this….when you find it hard to keep your peace just remember this scripture…

BE BLESSED!

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They say the eyes are the windows to the soul, meaning our eyes snitches on us no matter how much we try to hide what’s going on with us. The eyes can give you away without you even having to say a word!

Everyone wears masks. We wear them to hide ourselves, to hide our pain, to hide what we are going through because we don’t want to burden our loved ones. But the masks we wear may hide our facial expressions but it doesn’t hide our eyes and despite our best acting, the eyes doesn’t lie. Our eyes can tell when we are in pain, filled with love, joy, sadness, or anger. Our eyes can tell if a person is alert, sleep, or dead.

Sometimes we wear the masks so long that we become the mask while our eyes are screaming our pain to the world. I know because I became the mask. I wore a mask so long to hide my unhappiness that I actually fooled myself into thinking I was happy again, which was easy to do because many people avoid eye contact, so even though my eyes were screaming sorrow, no one noticed. Not my family or friends. It’s crazy as. The people you want to notice your pain or the very people that caused you the pain never see the damage they caused and a stranger that may not know you from Adam instantly see the pain and hurt you’ve been holding inside.

Why is that?

We’ve all heard, blood is thicker than water, well in some instances that may be true but water is a necessity of life and supposedly in some cases, water turn out to be thickier than water. We can’t pick our family. The only thing

Every action does not deserve a reaction but according to Newton’s 3rd law, ‘For every action there is an equal or opposite reaction.’ As Christians or even just decent human beings, we should get in the habit of treating people with love, kindness, and respect. As a Christian, we should pray for our enemies and treat them with love even when they treat us with hate (opposite reaction). To combat hatred with hatred or evil with evil (equal reaction) then that means we are no better than them. The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy and sadly he uses the people close to us to do it…FAMILY!

For the last couple weeks, I’ve been wanting to deal with black families in my blog, but I really didn’t want to talk about my family because there is already enough divide and I didn’t want to add more flame to the fire, but last night that fire was ignited, and I knew then I had to say something. My initial response was to snapback, but I didn’t want to cause a bigger commotion on someone else’s page, so I just prayed on it and let it go.

This morning, I was reminded of something. Things can never be healed if you don’t talk about it. Too many times, my family have ignored the divide and separation among us as if it simply does not exist, then as soon as someone in the family dies, everybody want to preach about coming together as a family. Well, let’s not wait until someone else dies. Why not address the issues and work together as a FAMILY to overcome the obstacles that are tearing us apart?

So, let’s address this popularity in the family issue. FIRST OFF, THERE SHOULD BE NO POPULARITY IN THE FAMILY. THIS ISN’T HIGH SCHOOL AND THIS DAMN SURE ISN’T A COMPETITION. THE GOAL OF A FAMILY IS TOGETHERNESS. SECOND OF ALL, HAVING MORE MATERIAL THINGS THAN YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS DON’T MAKE YOU POPULAR. THIRDLY, SOME OF THE MOST POPULAR PEOPLE IN THE FAMILY ARE THE ASS-KISSERS AND THE ONES THAT KEEP UP THE MOST SHIT. POPULAR PEOPLE ALWAYS NEED AN AUDIENCE TO SHINE, BUT YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT A CROWD GOES TO HELL A FEW WILL MAKE IT TO HEAVEN. OUR LIFE GOAL ISN’T TO PLEASE MAN, BUT TO PLEASE GOD AND IF YOUR GOAL IS TO BE LIKED OR POPULAR THEN YOU HAVE MISSED THE WHOLE POINT OF LIVING!

Now, many of you are going to stop right there and frankly, I don’t give a damn, but I’m done sugarcoating the truth. We are quick to holler about family need to stick together when half of y’all see each other in the streets and won’t even speak! I can’t speak for other people in this family, but I can speak about my experiences. I sent two of the supposed to be popular family members friend requests on Facebook a while back. They both denied or ignored my request. Why? I don’t know. I let the issue go. I’ve been in a store and spoke to a cousin that looked all upside my head and spoke to my friend standing right next to me. I have cousins that no longer speak to me because of misunderstandings, hatred, jealousy, or whatever issue they feel justifiable enough to hate me. Hell, I even have a sister and niece that don’t speak to me.

Now here is the point where you tell me I should be the bigger person and forgive them and all that good stuff, right?

Well, I have forgiven them. I hold no hatred in my heart for anyone that how I’m able to sleep at night. Here is what I have decided: Just because you forgive somebody though, that does not mean to have to keep allowing toxic people to be in your life. I refuse to deal with the shenanigans and keep people in my life that doesn’t mean me any good. I love my sanity and I love my peace. I’ve come too far from the old Pattie to allow someone to drag me back to that person.

Now let’s talk about family get togethers are family reunions.

As big as this family is, you would think we would be closer right? It’s amazing how the people you grew up so close to can now be so far away and the people you didn’t grow up with treat you better than the ones down the street and up the road! My two cents on family reunion is the same: If you are going to plan a family get together or a family reunion, then it should be for everyone not just the ones you are closest to. Even the crackhead family member, the thieving family member, the weed-smoking, promiscuous, club-hopping, sanctified, judgment, or holier than thou family member. A family reunion should be for all family members and if you know you are going to exclude someone then let someone who has matured passed disagreements and misunderstanding handle the planning.

We don’t get to choose our family, but we should love them regardless. As we all get up today and some will make their way to church. I pray that every one of you will examine your heart and let all this bitterness and hatred go. Why go sit up in church, praising God knowing you still harboring hate in your heart? That’s no way to live and you only making your own bed hard because at the end of it all, we are responsible for our own sins and transgressions.

Ephesians 4:31-32 states Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ.

I’m end with this. I love all my family! Even the ones that think I hate them, I love you too because I’m not going to miss my blessings hating on the next person. What’s for you will be for you and no one can stop what God has already deemed for you! Once we realize that, then it will be easier for us to embrace our family members and extend them our grace as Christ gives us his grace every day!

Be blessed,

Pattie King-Doss

 

[image error]Are you your sister’s Keeper? If you have sisters, I’m sure that you are and vice versa for them. But what about other women in your life that you may not be related to? Women in your class, school, work, or church? Do you have an obligation to that woman as you do to your blood sisters and best friends?

Most people would say NO! IF THEY NOT MY FAMILY, THEY ARE NOT MY CONCERN!

It is this form of thinking that has damn near crushed the women species. We live up to the crabs in a barrel mentality. Most Women today, most not all, will step over a fallen sister instead of helping her up.

What happened to the days when women stood together and helped one another? Days where the women in the village (the community) helped one another?

We have older generations so intimidated by the younger generations that they refuse to share their sagacity. We have a younger generation so used to doing things on their own that they don’t know how to receive advice or ask for help. Now, in no way am I saying the older or younger generation is to blame but I will say that there is a huge generational gap between women of the past and women of today.

With so many platforms, it’s easy to reach people all over the world. The Aniya Day situation have touched people all over the world and everyone are giving their two cents on the topic. For the ones that don’t know, Aniya Day was the four year girl who was beaten. Starved, and abused by her mother and stepfather. The Father tried his best to get custody of his daughter because of the abuse but the system failed him. I understand the outpour of love and support surrounding this family at this heartbreaking time, but we are seeing far too many cases like Aniya’s. My heart is saddened by this tragedy and all the tragedies like this one. Just like we have an opium crisis in the United States, we have a crisis among Women that are desperately seeking for love and finding it in the wrong way. Now, we can point fingers in many directions in Aniya’s case or the many cases like hers, but at the end of the day, we have to ask ourselves, what caused this? Could this have been prevented? Where was the mother’s mother? How did she raise her daughter? Did she raise her daughter? Did the mother have positive women role models in her life? The questions are endless, but we have to ask them. We have to go all the way back and attempt to understand where the clouded judgment started. We have to go back to that pivotal moment when love went lack or when love was misconstrued as pain. Some people tend to think love must hurt, but love does not hurt. It’s loving the wrong people and things that hurts us the most.

Women are rushing into relationships, because they lack love whether it was because of a broken home or broken relationship, in an attempt to feel love or experience love in a way that they never completely received in life, they fail to protect themselves, their loved ones, and their souls.

Now let’s go back to the question I asked at the beginning of this blog.

ARE WE OBLIGATED TO BE A KEEPER OF WOMEN THAT ARE NOT IN OUR FAMILY?

There are people stepping up and commenting about  Aniya’s situation, that won’t speak up for the child next door whose being neglected or abuse. You have people commenting, blogging, and posting about Aniya that won’t speak out about their family members abusing and neglecting their children. This happens because we feel that it isn’t our job or we fear them rejecting us. We feel we are not their keeper, therefore it is there issue to deal with but if we are Christians, then we have a duty to be our sister’s Keeper.

Galatians 6:2 states, Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. (NIV)

Hebrews 13:16 states, And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased. (NIV)

Christianity teaches us that God is LOVE and LOVE is the most powerful thing, but as children our parent’s love is the first type of love we encounter. Our understanding of love and it’s perplexities comes from our familial experiences and then our worldly experiences and finally when we are older, our spiritual experiences. So to give love, we have to had love shown or given to us. It is when our example of love is tainted that we start to confuse what love really is and what it entails!

We see it everyday, girls, teens, young women, and some older women unsure about love and how to obtain it, so they run to a lot of negative things ( drugs, promiscuity, bad relationships, etc) in search of love.

There aren’t many old-school grandmothers, mothers, and aunts anymore. The strong, black matriarch that taught you how to love yourself and how to love others. The ones that taught you how to work hard, get a good education, cook, clean, sew, act like a lady, dress like a lady, etc. No, I’m not saying that women need to only do those things. I’m saying that learning those things laid the foundation for taking care of yourself and being your sister’s Keeper. Most people equate old school upbringing as being too strict or being too submissive, but sometimes being submissive can be a good thing because you are either submitting to the will of God or you are resisting.

What have this newfound type of parenting or upbringing has shown us?

It’s just not working. The number of women and children dying at the hands of people that were supposed to love them are high!

United States: Each day – Three or more women are murdered by their boyfriends or husbands on average, according to the American Psychology Association

A USA TODAY examination of more than three decades of FBI homicide data shows that on average, 450 children are killed every year by their parents.

So, tell me again how not being your sister’s Keeper helping…. We cannot prevent these types of tragedies from happening 100% of the time, but  we can start to help equip these women with the life skills needed to make better choices which in turn will lead to saving more lives!  It’s like when we tell children to not be a bully, to friend those getting bullied and to tell on the people doing the bullying. Well, that’s what is needed among women, a sincere, faith-filled sisterhood where we learn from the elders & prepare young girls n women to never settle for less than they deserve.

It’s amazing to me that black women are some of the smartest people in the world ( we make up the largest demography in colleges) yet we haven’t learned to be our sister’s Keeper? We have women in the same church that won’t even speak to each other. We have women in families that won’t lift a hand or offer a kind word to help others in the family.  We have women in power that won’t help another sister out in fear that they will outshine them. Dimming someone else’s light will not cause yours to shine any brighter. The relationship among women will continue to deteriorate if we don’t understand that the devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy and right now he is winning! Until we realize that WE ARE OUR SISTER’S KEEPER, THEN AND ONLY THEN WILL WE BEGIN TO HEAL AND UNITE.

Just think how wonderful this world would be if women united like black people did going to see Marvel’s BLACK PANTHER! The possibilities would be endless!

Starting today, make a decision to uplift our sisters, to be encouraging, loving, and supportive!

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Chadwick Boseman, Michael B. Jordan, Sterling K. brown, Daniel Kaluuya, and Winston Duke are the sexy MALES eye-candy in Marvel’s Black Panther film. Although their good looks are a plus, their bad ass personalities and Mandingo spirits are what make the characters stand out.  However, besides every strong black man is an even stronger black woman and the black women in Black Panther did not disappoint!  Danai Gurira, Lupita Nyong’o, Angela Bassett, Letitia Wright, & Florence Kasumba steals the show from the men. Their black girl magic flowed throughout the movie and their presence was not only felt but dominated the screen.

Black Panther is a predominantly black film based on the comic, Black Panther, Marvel’s first black super hero.  When we say predominantly black cast, colorism automatically comes to mind, whether consciously or subconsciously, because majority of the time, there is a certain type of black image that comes to mind in major films and rarely is it dark-skinned and kinky hair as much as it was light-skinned and curly or straight hair.  So, to see a cast of majority dark-skinned black women with natural, kinky hair or no hair at all, when the world tells you that is not acceptable, was simply amazing! Hidden message, “Yes, black is beautiful in all forms, but darker skin is winning right now” and this film proves it. I know that statement be bias, but when we pretend as if colorism is not alive and thriving, then we fail in our attempt for equal rights and opportunities for people of color. Also, there has not been a film that celebrate dark-skin and kinky hair until Black Panther, so to all the people screaming prejudice against lighter skinned people, suck it up and enjoy the many positive aspects of the movies, starting with the celebration of so many strong black women leads!

 

Danai Gurira aka Okoye, bad-ass katana swinging zombie killer Michonne, (I’m a TWD super-fan, sorry) shows off some of her zombie killing skills in her abiding loyalty to protect King T’Challa and the people of Wakanda! Dreadlocks wig aside, Danai stuns in her gorgeous, suave, shaved head! Forget curly, straight, or kinky hair, Okoye and her all-women army shines without any hair. Most kings have the biggest, strongest, and most fearless men to protect them, but King T’Challa has an army of gorgeous, bald, black women called the Dora Milaje to protect him.  Although, the other tribes in Wakanda helps protect the king, it is the Dora Milaje that is at his side always. The uppermost respect bestowed to women.  Most people fear that women cannot be in power or do their job to protect and serve and be in love, but Okoye refutes this assumption when her love interest, W’Kabi turns against King T’Challa. He asks her would she kill him, and she replies, for Wakanda, I will. Although she loves him, her love for Wakanda is stronger and deeper, proving that women can have love, power, and loyalty.

Lupita Nyong’o aka Nakia, the actress who popularized female Caesar cuts, shines just as bright as Danai. With Nakia, her love and loyalty are to help all people, not just the people of Wakanda. As the love interest of King T’Challa, Nakia shows that her love for helping people is greater than her desire to be a queen. Although she loves King T’Challa, her love and dedication to helping others outweighs her aspiration for marriage. Her resilience against King T’Challa’s love for her is overwhelming and I think that’s what makes him love her more. Having everything at his fingertips, it baffles him why she won’t give into his desires. What he sees as desires, she sees as demands. Nakia, in a sense, fights to maintain her independence. She loves being a war dog and helping others, but she knows as the queen of Wakanda, she will not be able to be out in the field helping people. So, as much as she cares for and loves King T’Challa she chooses to love herself more. She uplifts and encourages him, but she refuses to lose herself in the process. Now that’s black girl magic. As the movie progress, he realizes that he can’t force her to love him his way, but that she must, and she will love him her way, and on her own terms.

Angela Bassett aka Queen Ramonda, a prominent black actress that can do any role presented to her and do it very well, I may add, (we are still waiting on her Oscar), stuns as always with grace and little effort. Although her character is in a high position of power as the mother of King T’Challa, Ramonda has a down to earth vibe about her. She gives us a motherly vibe with a sister’s attitude in the field. Although her scenes were minimum, her presence like others was felt, celebrated, and respected. She was the perfect pick for the Queen of Wakanda.

Florence Kasumba aka Ayo is a not a well-known actress in the United States (she’s a German Ugandan actress, popular in German and Dutch films) but I’m sure that is going to change soon. Black Panther isn’t Ayo first film. She was first seen in Captain America: Civil War as the bodyguard for King T’Chaka, T’Challa’s father. She was also in DC’s Wonder Woman, so she is no stranger to comic films, as she is a strong warrior in both films. Kasumba also starred in NBC’s now cancelled series, Emerald City as the Wicked Witch of the East. Ayo was to King T’Chaka what Okoye is to King T’Challa. In Black Panther, she’s Okoye’s number one soldier. Although, Ayo tends to fade into the background behind her superior Okoye, her presence is noticeable and arises to the forefront when Wakanda is under attack, but she proves that she can hold her own!

Last, but definitely not least is newcomer, Letitia Wright aka Shuri, King T’Challa’s younger sister and technology genius for Wakanda. Wright isn’t a household name in America like Danai Gurira or Angela Bassett, but that does not mean she is any less talented.  Wright is a Guyanese-born British actress that has starred in several British TV series. Shuri was my favorite character and being a huge Walking Dead and Danai Gurira fan, that is a big deal. Her performance was stellar in Black Panther.  You cannot talk about King T’Challa without acknowledging his sister, Shuri. Shuri is the brains behind the Panther. Her technological inventions with Vibranium (Wakanda’s sophisticated resource) are what help King T’Challa become the Black Panther. She is to King T’Challa’s what Alfred was to Batman, except she’s only sixteen-years-old. Shuri technological inventions inside her of futuristic lab gives hope to the world in medical discoveries as shown when Martin Freeman aka Everett K. Ross heals within one day from a gunshot wound. She is also a fierce warrior. She held her own pretty well for a teenager.  Despite her work in the lab, and being the King’s sister, we are still able to see her as a teenager through her constant teasing of her brother and her excitement at danger. It was refreshing to see a royal family not so serious about their power. I mean even the King got roasted by his little sister as shown in her epic, “What are thoses?” scene, where she teases him about his shoes.

All around, this movie was amazing! Not only was it filled with sexy eye-candy male and female actors, but it was the first film to capture black women with kinky hair (or no hair) in big, powerful roles that did not have to cower down to a male-dominated world. Instead the women were almost equal to the men and they didn’t have to sacrifice their independence to do so. From the hair to the costumes to the jewelry to the brilliant rebuttals, the women in this film was astounding! Some people are debating the hero vs villain aspect or the light-skin vs dark-skin aspect but for me, it was all about the women in the film and how they compared to or surpassed their male counterparts.  Don’t take my word for it though. GO SEE THE MOVIE FOR YOURSELF AND DECIDE! DOMINATING IN THEATERS NOW!

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