Are you stressed and overwhelmed by your divorce? Are you dealing with multiple issues with your x? Are you trying to find peace and help the family adjust and get along?I have been where you are. I went through a divorce that started off friendly and cooperative. However, things shifted rapidly and my life was turned upside down, temporarily. Thankfully, I was a child of a friendly divorce. My parents both worked together to cooperate and collaborate. The divorce had a minimum impact on us emotionally because we all felt very loved and cared for by both parents. There was absolutely no drama. Our parents cheered each other on, helped each other out and never spoke a negative word about each other. They were the inspiration for my children’s book, When Your Parents Divorce- a kid-to-kid guide to dealing with divorce.During my divorce, I learned very quickly about parent alienation and suffered through it for a little over a year. In hindsight, these are some things that might help you prevent, avoid or cope with parent alienation. I realize that some of you who might read this article are well past these ideas. They may not be applicable to those of you who have former spouses with narcissistic personalities or other serious mental health problems. These ideas are optimistic and helped our family. I truly hope they help you.1. CREATE A FAMILY CONTRACTGood news! You can do this without a lawyer. This agreement can be created between you, x and kids to include a parenting plan and rules. You can post this on the fridge or give everyone a copy on their phone. It will help you avoid fights with the kids and each other. Believe it or not some kids do play one parent against the other. As a result, some parents get pegged into certain roles like, "the fun dad” or "the strict mom”.This plan should include commonly agreed upon rules to encourage a consistent and cooperative structure.FAMILY CONTRACTA Family Statement:We are a divorced family, but still a family with a need for stability and peace. In the spirit of cooperation we the __________ family agree to the following guidelines and rulesTwo House Rules:Bedtime at both houses will be _______Phone calls to other parent at ________Cell phone goes off and is on parents desk at _________Chores at both houses to include:Curfew at ___________Study time at_________Respect any individual rules at mom's or dad's houseExtreme Clause:Unless there is a true emergency, our kids will not have the power to demand, “ mom come get me, dad is not letting me go out because I didn’t do my chores”. We understand that sometimes kids and parents can get moody and grumpy. But, we are dedicated to talking through problems instead of pressing alarm buttons and requesting unscheduled pickups.Goals:We will try to stick to the custody schedule as much as possible.Mom and dad will try to cooperate and collaborate as a divorced family.Mom and dad will do the communicating and decision making about scheduling and plans.We will not out our kids in the middle by making them the messages or mediator of any situation.We will all talk with each other in a calm and respectful way. If we have a problem or are uncomfortable we will talk about it together.Sign________________Date________________2. LEARN ABOUT PARENT ALIENATION AND TALK ABOUT ITKids need to know that both parents are working together to help them learn, grow and develop into healthy adults. Defining what parent alienation is and how you will not participate in it, is important. Tell your kids that your goal is to have a peaceful divorce and operate under a policy of kindness. Let your kids know that If they happen to hear you talking about their dad in a negative way on the phone, you want them to tell you. Let your kids know that if anything you say about the other parent is upsetting to them or makes them feel uncomfortable, you want to know.Sometimes, parents make comments and eye rolls in the beginning of a divorce because they are operating as the injured party. They may have been extremely hurt by the divorce and may carry feelings of anger and resentment. Often parent alienation starts in a very minor or small way. When we are aware of how it starts we can try to address it before it causes devastation for the family. If you are aware negative impact parent alienation causes, you can make it a point to avoid it.For instance saying,“Sorry kids, we can’t go out for pizza tonight because I have to pay mommy child support and alimony”. Red flag!Or, “ Your dad hasn’t paid me back for your medication in months”Red flag!“Dad is late Again! Why is your dad always late?”Red flag!These little passing comments that you think are benign… are not. These comments and digs, over time, weigh heavily on your children and erode healthy thoughts and feelings about themselves and the other parent.3. AVOID PARENTIFICATIONParentification is when a parent puts a child in a position of being an adult, or assuming a parent role. In divorce this is often referred to as emotional parentification.Emotional parentification happens when a child must take on the role of a confidant, messenger or mediator for (or between) parents or family members.Example:“ Can you call your dad and see if I can pick you up from school on Tuesday because it is grandma’s birthday”Or- “ look at this text your dad just sent me, he is so rude!”Or “ I’m so stressed out at work! The divorce, I miss our old family, I think I’m depressed”Or-“ I heard your dad posted some pictures on Facebook about a date! Can you find out who he is dating?”Try to avoid putting your child in the position of being the messenger.Adult topics like dating, money, work related stress are not for children’s ears. The kids have enough to deal with. Don’t make them your emotional support or shoulder to cry on. They need you to be there for them. If you need emotional support, find a divorce support group or divorce coach. A number of amazing people are one click away like Danielle Bloom.4. HIRE A FAMILY THERAPISTIt may sound crazy to go to a therapist after you are divorced. But, I would argue that this is the most important time to get busy with family therapy. An objective family therapist can help you assess your parenting challenges and avoid pitfalls. Divorce can be a devastating life change for many families and it takes time and support to adjust. Learning how to be a single parent presents many challenges that a good therapist can help you with. Co-parenting through a new divorce is very difficult. There are a number of specialists, doctors and therapist who focus on collaborative therapy for divorced parents like Dr. Zimmerman.5. KEEP A LOW PROFILE ON SOCIAL MEDIAMake sure to follow the golden rule on social media. If you don’t have something nice to say or post… don’t say it or post it at all. Protecting your children from your adult private life is very important, especially when a divorce is new and kids are still adjusting to this life change. Leave all the true emotions in your personal journal or at your therapy office. Be careful on private Facebook groups. Some groups are very large and difficult to monitor. What you say in a private Facebook group is never really private because people can abuse the rules and take screenshots of your comments. Kids are very savvy with social media and you would be surprised what they can find out or see, especially if your privacy settings are not super tight.6. SET HEALTHY COMMUNICATION RULES FOR YOURSELFThere is plenty deal with when you are divorced. Texting, emailing, messaging can become overwhelming when dealing with an angry x. Frequently an angry or condescending text from your x can just turn your mood and create an obsession with texting back. Don’t engage! Try to leave the text. Figure out what the text does to you, where you feel the stress, why you feel it, breath - and let that text go. You don’t have to engage or text back all the time. It really does waste a lot of your time. Valuable time you could be spending with you kids or on yourself. Set a rule for yourself to limit the time you spend engaging in texts and communication with your x. One good idea is to pick a day of the week to communicate with you X. Stick to the day and keep it under an hour. Unless there is some type of emergency. If you schedule a “communication day” this will help you disengage with the daily demands your X may try to place on you. It will help you establish boundaries and respect each other’s time.7. READ ABOUT ITRead as many books as you can on this topic! There are some great books for parents and adults.For the Parents:Co-Parenting Survival GuideLoving Your Child More Than You Hate Your XCo-Parenting with a Toxic XDivorce PoisonSplittingFor the Kids:When Your Parents DivorceTwo HomesDinosaurs DivorceWas it the Chocolate Pudding?Divorce Survival Guide for Kids