Rules of India's Marriage Game
India's middle class comprises from 300 to 600 million people. In comparison, the entire population of the United States is 350 million. The young women from India’s middle class are able to enroll in higher education--both in India and abroad--in unprecedented numbers. And they all speak English fluently.
One female engineering student explained, “As we were growing up, our parents also grew with us.” So while their parents may not have had opportunities to explore higher education or unconventional careers, these girls have been allowed to pursue their passions. Prime Minister Modi himself is a huge advocate for girls' education. Billboards with headlines like: “Girl, read. Girl, get educated” carry his photo across the country.
Yet, while young women can now negotiate higher education--even in cities far away from their hometown—they do so with the promise that they will get married once their Bachelors or Masters degree is in hand. One student told me, “My mom said you should stop after your Masters. If you go for a Ph.D., how will we find a husband for you?” In India, the pressure to get married, regardless of education and career accomplishments, is intense.
I spoke to young women in Mumbai, Hyderabad, Bangalore, Jaipur, and Delhi who said they were so busy studying and pursuing their careers that they were not yet thinking about marriage or children. Having parents who initiate and administer their matrimonial profiles relieves these women of the burden of finding a husband. These future brides are only roped into the process once their parents have winnowed the field down to a manageable number of candidates. If the women have been able to stave off the inevitable with education, their parents wait until they have graduated.
Here are some of the rules, spoken and unspoken, that I learned about the marriage game in India:
1. It’s preferable for daughters to marry before 30 and sons before 35. After those ages, parents find it difficult to locate suitable partners.
2. It’s not prudent for daughters to be more educated than their husbands. After marriage, the couple can decide to invest in the wife’s further education or career.
3. Once a daughter graduates with her BA or MA, she should start having children within 6 or 7 years.
4. Educated women are often choosing to have only one child so they can focus on their careers (and because private education for their children is so expensive).
5. Parents will look for a suitable groom from the same caste. “But If we fall in love with a boy from another caste, our parents will learn to be okay with it,” one student said.
Young women credit the Internet with raising awareness of the myriad choices open to them today. “My aunt wasn’t even allowed to play outside as a girl. I was allowed to talk openly, argue with my brothers, and play rough sports,” says one.
However, these same smart, articulate, ambitious women freely admit that while opportunities abound, marriage still takes precedence in their culture. And they’re okay with that societal requirement...as long as they get to complete their degrees.
More in an upcoming blog about the 70 million unmarried women in India today.
One female engineering student explained, “As we were growing up, our parents also grew with us.” So while their parents may not have had opportunities to explore higher education or unconventional careers, these girls have been allowed to pursue their passions. Prime Minister Modi himself is a huge advocate for girls' education. Billboards with headlines like: “Girl, read. Girl, get educated” carry his photo across the country.
Yet, while young women can now negotiate higher education--even in cities far away from their hometown—they do so with the promise that they will get married once their Bachelors or Masters degree is in hand. One student told me, “My mom said you should stop after your Masters. If you go for a Ph.D., how will we find a husband for you?” In India, the pressure to get married, regardless of education and career accomplishments, is intense.
I spoke to young women in Mumbai, Hyderabad, Bangalore, Jaipur, and Delhi who said they were so busy studying and pursuing their careers that they were not yet thinking about marriage or children. Having parents who initiate and administer their matrimonial profiles relieves these women of the burden of finding a husband. These future brides are only roped into the process once their parents have winnowed the field down to a manageable number of candidates. If the women have been able to stave off the inevitable with education, their parents wait until they have graduated.
Here are some of the rules, spoken and unspoken, that I learned about the marriage game in India:
1. It’s preferable for daughters to marry before 30 and sons before 35. After those ages, parents find it difficult to locate suitable partners.
2. It’s not prudent for daughters to be more educated than their husbands. After marriage, the couple can decide to invest in the wife’s further education or career.
3. Once a daughter graduates with her BA or MA, she should start having children within 6 or 7 years.
4. Educated women are often choosing to have only one child so they can focus on their careers (and because private education for their children is so expensive).
5. Parents will look for a suitable groom from the same caste. “But If we fall in love with a boy from another caste, our parents will learn to be okay with it,” one student said.
Young women credit the Internet with raising awareness of the myriad choices open to them today. “My aunt wasn’t even allowed to play outside as a girl. I was allowed to talk openly, argue with my brothers, and play rough sports,” says one.
However, these same smart, articulate, ambitious women freely admit that while opportunities abound, marriage still takes precedence in their culture. And they’re okay with that societal requirement...as long as they get to complete their degrees.
More in an upcoming blog about the 70 million unmarried women in India today.
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