Since most of us are tucked into our "quarantine routine" and watching more Netflix, Amazon Prime, cable, and such, I need to confess: I'm an emotional chicken. There. I said it. I’d rather laugh than cry, but sometimes they cross streams like when I watched the hilarious episode of "The Goldbergs" as Barry attempted umpteenth sculptures of his girlfriend, each one more hideous than before. My daughter walked in from school and witnessed me convulsed in tears and giggles, gasping for breath, pointing at the T.V. for explanation. The reservoir has to leak out some how. It’s healthy—and necessary! I probably should cry more often because doesn’t it feel great afterward?

The problem is I feel too much and as a writer, it's a good thing--after all, my books have the feels-- but as a spectator not so much. Watching the news, certain commercials, movies or T.V. in mixed company--no way!!
(Even puppies and kittens on "Too Cute!" finding their forever home give me pangs for their mama.)

I love Pixar, but they sure know how to get us, don't they? Plunging an arrow into our souls, wringing us out to dry. I can muster through most of their creations, but I still have trouble staying in the room at the end of "Toy Story 3," but hey, I'm getting better and lasting longer. And it's probably no surprise "Inside Out" is not on my list of favorites. As a seasoned Navy brat, memories flooded back when Riley got weepy introducing herself as the new girl. I nearly lost it myself. And I admit to wanting to flick the blue girl off the screen (she was so annoying!) but as Joy points out, we can't have happiness without sadness.

Crying isn't anything to be ashamed of --except for me. There's no lady-like sniffles or a lone tear running prettily down my cheek. No. I full out ugly cry and sound like a wailing moose. Is there a mute button for that?

My sobbing stigma goes back to early 80s in high school when I was watching "The Thornbirds" in our den-- alone. My stepdad happened to walk through just as a sad part sprung tears and he teased me because of it. Nothing mean or hurtful, just joking around, but ever since, I plugged the public dam on cinematic waterworks.

So, the avoidance began. Internal picket signs immediately protest red flags. No dog flicks, especially golden retrievers! Losing our old guy seven years ago was the worst, so no, not touching that. Not even in private.
Ditto cranked to the max for big rescue themes, no matter how powerful and beautiful God's message is. A pounding heart, tightening throat, anxiety teetering me off my seat, my body will do anything to avoid the river cascading down my face. It's just too much for me. I know others enjoy it, and they are lucky, but those are the type of stories I'd rather avoid--or on rare occasions read alone, hiding someplace safe with my box of Puffs Plus,

The same goes for terminally ill teens/young adults/best friends-- no matter how cute and funny the rest of the movie looks. I fell for that in "Beaches", "Steel Magnolias" and "Phenomenon", and the "emotional ninjas hacked my heart to pieces. It's one thing going in knowing a tear-jerker is lurking, but when a movie is toted as a "Feel Good of the Year" and a character is plucked off out of nowhere, No Thanks! I just can't handle it. Ahem, "Pay it Forward," I'm talking to you for that gut-ripping 2001 surprise. : (

So when my teen daughter begged me to take her to "The Fault in My Stars" a couple years ago, I was like "No way." But then it did look inviting and I like John Green's writing, so I thought, "What the heck. We're supposed to face our fears! I can get through this! It's only a movie. It's fake, and mostly funny and I"ll push through the tears if one of them dies. Everyone else will be misty too so who cares, right?"

The tickets were bought. No turning back now, So we settled in with popcorn and drinks. My daughter cries easily. She has a sensitivity issue and has always just let the tears flowed, even in school. I envy her this freedom! As we chuckled at the screen, I knew she didn't have any inhibitions, but I had an uneasy shield up, waiting for the sad shoe to drop, As the cute couple flirted and took steps to make their dreams come true, I began to relax-- a little--but plot twist! The characters were sick but here they were braver than me taking chances out in the world and all I had to do was survive watching a darn good film!

As the end neared, of course the lip trembling heartache hit the screen, but not in the way I expected. But who likes predictability?
I exhaled to control my breathing, loosening my throat, shaking off the switch, but the tears came anyway--and that crazy sobbing sound. But whew...short lived, and someone in the audience clapped at the end, which derailed the tears into a snorting laugh-hybrid.

Slowly I am braving emotional subjects. We returned for John Green's "Paper Towns" and we had a good time. Me, half-guarded waiting for a tragedy to strike, but happily none did! Last spring, {April 2019} I finally ordered and cracked open "The Shack" after my Aunt Linda nudged me a thousand times, ever since the 90s, I think. : ) I am so glad I did. Only one part made me cry and I sure loved how they depicted hanging out with Jesus in his casual friendliness, carpentering away on a precious surprise. Now I wonder if I could handle the movie...

Maybe once theaters open again, I will don my Rocky boxing gloves and tackle more watery-eyed numbers. They say charity starts at home, so yesterday, thanks to my friend Lisa's recommendation, my heart melted for the 2000 rom-com, "Return to Me." But I must confess I scurried past the brief sad part and the rest was endearingly funny.

So here's hoping everyone is staying safe, healthy, and treasuring down time. Let's pop some corn and do some surfing-- hanging ten remote-style. Just don't lose your tissues.

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Are you braver than I am? Do you cry at movies? What kind of films do you like?