Wow, 2019… it was a blast! Thanks for putting me through the wringer and sending me out again, changed, broken… renewed?

So much has changed over the last year, that sometimes when I look in the mirror, I’m not even sure its the same person looking back. I made some mistakes, who doesn’t? I also made some gains, and I will pump my fist to those success’s as though I won the Super Bowl, and climbed Everest, because in my book, I did that and more.

But this year; this coming year, will be a time of reflection. I’m forcing myself to look within, make changes, and go for what I need. Notice I say ‘need‘ and not ‘want‘, because I have found that my wants are not always in line with my needs, and the desire to be transparent with myself is necessary.

This December will see a change that only happens once every ten years, a new decade!

I feel as though I’ve missed so much, until I look back and see the changes. My children have all become young adults… all except the last. But he’s fast becoming a young man, who two years ago still had a squeaky voice! My daughters have become young women; strivers, movers and determined to make the most of what is on offer. I applaud them for that, and I hope to be around to see them achieve their goals.

In reflection, I see how many people I’ve lost in the last decade, and how I almost lost myself. My biggest loss was my mother. Despite her advanced age and medical conditions; that I’m no longer able to sit with her, converse with her, hug and kiss her when I want, that’s a deep loss that still brings tears to my eyes. I lost another sibling, and that also stings. But I remind myself, daily, that this is life, and part of life is death.

And looking forward – wow, what can I say! I’ve never been a person who thinks that speaking their future will bring it closer. I’m more of a quiet mover, allowing my life to meander where it will, with a touch of firm direction. I have a few goals of my own, and knowing that I can still dream about a future for myself, is enough of an achievement in itself.

So, I’ll say this. No matter if I didn’t achieve everything I set out to do this year, I did one thing: I survived. I kept my seat, kept my sanity, and kept my head, when so many didn’t make it. I feel a pang at their loss, and hold my hand up in salute to their efforts; you did good, rest easy now. And for those out there still striving; Head up, eyes on the goal, and keep it moving. Only look back to remind yourself of what you are leaving behind, and not to reminisce about what you lost. Those losses make way for greater gains. Believe that.

2020… Here we come!!!