My body feels numb and I forget myself again. Forget that there are people with feelings too. When you shut everyone, you know because you don’t want them to see your emotional side. The weak side as you call it. Then people resume you don’t mind being alone. Or they ask you on advice on how to enjoy being alone.. Its worst really. Whats worst is that your loneliness fills you with doubts that push you farther and farther. That you become the punching bag that your emotions slam harder and harder. And you scream but nothing comes out. And that you can’t think straight because your mind is fogged up. Its is how I feel. And I’m afraid, I am suck in this hole.

Now, where it call started at.. six years ago, I lost someone close to me and things happened. And maybe the trauma hit me harder. Or maybe blocking the emotions out and pretending that I was not hurting was the worst thing I could have done. Because crying is for the weak. And no one should see me crying…

Maybe if you never experience things like this, maybe you would enjoy being alone.

But I hate it.

Being alone is fighting “your own demon”, if you want to call it.

Being alone is hard. Feeling like a lone wolf at times even when you are with your closest friends. Knowing that they may ask what is wrong with me. Why I am so distant lately? And you can’t give them an answer. How can you explain something you don’t understand?

When people think I want to connect because that "I’m lonely and want you use as a pillow.”

Sure, I act like I don’t care most of the time but I do. I care. I care more about you than my own self, half the time. Sure, I need to stop but how I can when I don’t know how.

Enjoy being alone, I was looking about loneliness on Pinterest and that kept popping up. You can enjoy being alone. Its a lie, really.

Sure, they are times, it best to be alone. But to feel alone, most of your life is not good.

Their downfalls, not mentioned. Having your “demon” filter your own thoughts makes your mental health go downhill fast. Depression. Self Harm. Suicide. Sure, bullying and other matters cause these actions. But allowing your thoughts cloud your perspective in life.

Makes it harder to harder. Sometimes, harder to breathe at times.

If I am honest, that is why I am scared. This is why I distant myself. Why half the time, now I don’t know what I want to do anymore. Why I question who wants to be with an emotional person? Its not funny at all, but I told myself, I would never become emotional. Well, I learned my lesson. After listening to a song, I once enjoyed and I started crying..

Yeah, thats it.. Maybe going to delete later… Probably, give it a week.