As time passes by through all of the stay at home orders, it feels as though things are becoming more uncertain by the day. The uncertainty in the economy, what is to come, and will we be able to return to life as we have always known it. For me all of this creates an uncertainty in not just my future but in the faith department. I have goals I have set for myself, plans I have made for the near future but if all of this continues as it is the question becomes will I be able to meet those goals or will I be stuck in the same cycle I have been in for several years. There is also the fact that I hold very little faith in most people. My past has taught me very harsh lessons in life so it makes me question if I will forever be stuck in place. The demons in my head come out spreading their lies and I have a hard time discerning between what is true and what isn’t.

It creates not just a crisis in faith in me but also in others. Right now, I am trying to fight those demons. I have a few friends who are currently going through what I am going through in my private life and one that is dealing with much worse. Due to these changes and our personal demons have created a distance between us as we all are trying to deal with our own problems. It makes the demons shout louder in my head; telling me, see you are alone. The first part of my week was spent fighting them back and I failed miserably. I spent the first few days fighting back tears and telling myself those demons are right and I am alone and I should accept it. Being alone is something I excel at, probably more than others do. I am good at alone, I always anticipate that people leave and that is just how life works. Again, those inner demons are hard at work. Then I received pep talks from a few different people that know every bit of what I am going through. It quieted the demons down enough for me to throw myself into my work. I was able to finish the edit on Bad Origins, book five, and was able to make some corrections to Bad Witch Walking. I have started my research for book six and during all of this, out of nowhere poetry came pouring out of me. The poetry is very truthful of how I am feeling. It has been the only outlet I have had. It didn’t shut down the doubts I am feeling but it did help in many ways. Throwing myself into my writing has helped deal with some of the feelings that have plagued me this week. In some ways I know drowning myself in my work is not helping but sometimes you just need not to feel anything. You do need an outlet that will keep everything in your head quiet. Working on my manuscripts does that for me.

So what do you do when you are having a crisis of faith in yourself and in others? How do you quiet the demons that spread so much doubt in you? Just like last week I have no clue but I am hoping that through this blog post maybe I can find the answer. Focusing on something other than all of those doubts has helped to a point. It helps stop the doubts from turning into much more. Sitting around doing nothing just makes all those doubts loud and oppressive. Being productive in any task is helpful or at least I have found it is.

As much as I want to shut down and cut ties with everyone around me right now, I am realizing that does nothing but fuel those demons I am fighting. The demons are the ones that are saying you are better off alone and safer from heartbreak. In some ways they are right. If I am alone I have nothing to worry about, I can’t be hurt or left behind. I wouldn’t feel the way I do right now if I had just listened to them previously. The part where they are wrong is I would still be hurting and I will still be living with all of this self doubt. Allowing the demons to win still means I lose. I was reminded during those pep talks that I received that I am a fighter and I am very competitive. I am too stubborn or stupid or maybe a little bit of both to give up. I like to win too much to allow even my demons to win. So what do I do? How do I win against my own self destructive behavior? Well for one I have started saying a damn mantra. I won’t tell all of you what it is but anytime those demons start, I start chanting that mantra. It is quieting those doubts down for the time being but it doesn’t stop them entirely. I am also trying to remind myself just because others have screwed me over and walked out on me doesn’t mean everyone else will. It is a lesson I am praying I am able to learn. I am also praying I am right in putting my faith I have in certain individuals. It is very difficult for me to trust others and even more difficult to believe things will work out in my favor but I am trying.

So stay your course. Fight whatever demons you may be dealing with right now. Do everything in your power to keep believing in the good. Until next time!