BDSM And Abuse – The Difference

I’m sure that almost everyone reading this blog post will, at some point in their life, have encountered a negative attitude towards BDSM. Usually it’ll be a view espoused by someone who’s deeply misinformed about the real meaning of BDSM and kink, or someone who’s swallowed wholesale the often-inaccurate picture TV and the media paint of fetishists.

We all know what it sounds like though: “Oh, I would never do anything like that! That’s just for sickos and psychopaths!” 

Or how about: “I don’t understand what kind of person would do that! It makes me think they must be a bit dangerous.” 

Or even: “That’s clearly just domestic violence! He might have tricked her into going along with it, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s wrong!”

The issue in all of these cases is that the speaker doesn’t know the difference between BDSM and abuse. And, when we consider how complicated those issues can be, it’s difficult to blame them. Imagine if you’d never witnessed anyone engaging in anything other than perfectly bland, vanilla sex before. You’d probably find some of the images on FetLife or elsewhere on the internet pretty shocking in that case! 

It doesn’t help that the crucial difference between BDSM and abuse isn’t a particularly visible one. It’s not something we can always point to if we want to educate someone. Rather it’s something intangible, but deeply important.

The difference is consent.

Consent underpins everything in the BDSM and fetish world. Whatever type of play you’re engaging in, everything must ultimately be consensual. This applies not just to individual scenes, but also in the wider context of any given relationship. You have to consent to living in a Master/Slave dynamic in exactly the same way that you have to consent to being whipped or spanked.

That means consent must be enthusiastic, informed and freely given. And it must come from all parties involved – even the dominant partner in a given relationship needs to consent, and be given the option of not consenting if need be.

When consent is in place, a BDSM  relationship can be a wonderful thing. It allows people to explore themselves more deeply and fully than they ever might in a vanilla relationship. It enables them to visit some pretty extreme places, both physical and psychological. A good, consensual BDSM relationship is a gift – one that keeps on giving over the years.

Indeed it has been shows in several studies that people who engage in BDSM are happier, healthier and generally more well-balanced than people who don’t.

However, the trouble comes when consent is removed from the equation. BDSM-like activities, if carried out without consent, are abuse. Similarly, causing physical harm to a romantic partner (outside of the bounds of a consensual BDSM relationship) is not only abusive but illegal.

The fact that BDSM and abuse can sometimes look remarkably similar is an issue that causes people a lot of confusion. Let’s look at the example of a couple I knew some time ago. They lived in a 24/7 Dom/Sub relationship, and were very happy indeed with the arrangement. They also engaged in some pretty extreme play. The woman liked to be bitten, strangled and sometimes cut with blades. She consented to all these activities and they enjoyed them together.

However, from an outside perspective, it might seem as though she was being abused. If someone who didn’t know her husband spotted her injuries, then they might legitimately be worried. And if they, somehow, happened to see her husband strangling her they might very well assume that what they were seeing was abuse, rather than a consensual sexual activity.

The point I’m making here is that – from the outside – the consent is often invisible, and so it’s all too easy to misunderstand a given situation. 

Not only that, but with complex dynamics come complex issues. Remember that consent has to be freely given. This means that even if on the surface it looks as though someone is consenting to a given relationship or activity – they might actually not be! Consent given reluctantly or under duress is not consent at all, but might look like it is to someone on the outside.

If this is all beginning to seem like a bit of a maze... well, that’s because it is. It’s impossible to boil down such a many-faceted and multi-layered issue to just a couple of guidelines. Just like with everything in the world of BDSM, there is a great deal of nuance at work.

That said, there are practical ways to consider consent, and help identify activities that cross the line from healthy, normal BDSM into abuse. Think of these as symptoms that might show up. The root cause is a lack of consent, and outlined below are some of the ways in which it might show.

 1 – Being cut off from friends, peers and family. Abusers will often try to cut their victims off from anyone who might be able to help them – or even inform them that their relationship isn’t healthy. If someone is being prevented from interacting with their friends and family, or with the wider BDSM community, it can be a worrying sign.

2 – Drug or alcohol abuse. Use of drugs or alcohol is not inherently bad, but overuse or abuse of any substance and sexual abuse often go hand in hand. You should be worried if somebody’s partner seems to have an addiction or substance abuse problem.

3 – “But a real X would X...”. This is a sneaky trick used by a lot of abusers to put pressure on their victim. If you notice someone pressuring their partner into doing something by using the logic that – unless they acquiesce to what is demanded – they will be a bad submissive, slave, sub or otherwise... then be aware that something might be very wrong in their relationship.

4 – Sudden intensity. Abusive relationships are often intense, and develop very quickly. Many legitimate relationship move quickly too, so this should not automatically be a cause for worry. Do be wary if you notice someone making huge life changes for someone they met only recently however.

5 – No limits, negotiations or agreements. Abusers like to engage in relationships that have no boundaries, as it gives them free reign to do as they wish, all with the illusion of consent. Be sceptical of any relationship or partner where there are no boundaries, hard limits or negotiations whatsoever.

6 – Loss of emotional control. Does one partner in a relationship often lose control of their temper? Do they snap, shout, scream and break things? Do they frequently storm out with little provocation? A short fuse can be a sign of someone who is predisposed to abuse, so be on the lookout!

7 – Lies. While a lot of people in the BDSM scene involve in role play, and have different identities that they keep secret from their vanilla friends, there’s a difference between this and outright lying. If you notice that someone lies to their partner about important issues that affect they both, it could be a sign that they are an abuser.

The list above is not exhaustive – this of it as a starting point. And bear in mind also that just because you see one of the things listed above, it doesn’t necessarily mean that abuse is taking place. Every single situation you will encounter will be different from every other, and it’s important to be aware of this and sensitive and questioning in your approach. The above is a guide, and nothing more. At the end of the day, rely on your knowledge, intuition, and the guidance of your peers.

Lists like the one above are often called Red Flag Lists, and you can undoubtedly find many more scattered across the internet. They exist for all sorts of things – and taking a look at some lists of things that might indicate abuse in a vanilla relationship can be a truly eye-opening exercise which really drives home the point that BDSM and abuse can sometimes be confused.

Red flag lists for abuse in vanilla relationships often including things like noticing bruises on somebody’s partner, or a lack of openness and honesty about their sex life. Both of these things, I’m sure you’ll agree, are commonplace to a lot of people in the BDSM scene, and do not in any way necessarily indicate abuse.

Hopefully, having read this post, you’re now a little more well-informed about the differences between BDSM and abuse, and how to spot when a relationship may have crossed the line. BDSM can be wonderful and life-enhancing... but the scene can also serve as a hiding place for some particularly unpleasant people. By keeping your eyes and ears open, and by keeping yourself informed, you can do your part to ensure that the scene remains a safe and happy place for everyone to explore their kinky side.

My name is Shayla Aspasia. I have been a real-life Dominatrix, a teacher, mentor, a concert-level musician, and a world traveler. And now... I am a mentor, erotic author, clip creator, and Mistress over the phone. My specialties include financial domination, cuckolding, small penis humiliation, and feminization.  www.shaylaaspasia.com