Chaos
Sorry about my tardiness for the last two weeks. I have spent most of the week recovering from the 18 hour drive from California to Colorado. I am also playing catch up on my online class I am taking as well.
This week has also been filled with trials for me as well. The first of them was adjusting to my mom being here permanently. This is a big change for the both of us. She has lived without kids for the last three years. She and I have spent the last three years only seeing one another once a year and talking on the phone. Now that she is here we are both having to adjust.
On top of that I have had a realization about a friend of mine. When I say friend I mean it in the loosest of terms possible. She and I started out as pretty good friends and I have learned a few things I don’t like about her. It came to a point that I began to think maybe it was time to cut her loose. That was until I had a conversation with her oldest daughter. Her oldest daughter has a lot of responsibility that should not be placed on her. She feels alone and that she is crazy. I know all too well both of those feelings. What I learned in this conversation was not just what is going on with this kid but why her mother was brought into my life. The reason is because of this teenager. Last week I talked about how I adopt people into my family. Well I have found another lost soul that needs a safe haven and as always I have offered her a place to turn to when she needs it. I am confident she will slowly be spending more of her time with me. There is something about this girl that reminds me of me at that age. I am hoping that I am able to be there for her.
I was also met with other trials this week. One of them having to do with matters of the heart. That trial I am unsure if it is over or just getting started. Part of me wants to say that it’s done. It's easier to wash my hands of the situation than to hope that it will work out in my favor. The other side of me, the romantic side or the Santiago side says just wait. Something is coming and when it does it will change everything. A couple of weeks ago I thought I knew what the universe was telling me, now I am completely confused in more ways than one. I am trying to listen to the universe but right now she is sending mixed messages and it is pissing me off. The unknown is what I am facing at this point.
The last trial I faced this week has been my writing. With all of the changes I am dealing with I am finding it difficult to get more than a few hours in a day. It is a challenge for me to get more than four pages a day done. I have days where I get more done than others and I tell myself that I will be fine but I am frustrated with my progress or what I feel is a lack of progress.
So what do I do about all I am enduring at this point? I could wash my hands of all the distractions? I could try harder to do more writing? I could maybe look at my schedule to see if there is a way to improve it? All of those ideas are valid ideas but I am not sure any of them will do the job. Here’s what I am learning at this point in my life. The first is some people need your help. I could decide not to help any others or give them a safe haven but I believe if you have the opportunity to change a life you should. Letting someone who needs a friend or a family drown just isn’t okay. I don’t have a lot in terms of money but I do have plenty to give when it comes to support. What I am having to learn is how not just to balance my life everyday but how to also get what I need in. I would love to go back to writing everyday all day. I miss those days where I got to hang out with Savannah and her family without a concern for other things. My life has dramatically changed from those days. I am glad that it has because I am a happier person. At this point I need to be okay with getting only a few hours a day in. Eventually my life will calm down enough that I can go back to spending more time with Savannah for now she gets a few hours a day. I am spending more time with my kids. I am ensuring I am staying healthy and because I was able to get a little creative I was able to go back to karate. Mind you, I have to drive farther to the dojo but I get to train. It’s an exciting prospect.
Sometimes we have to accept the way things are. We can try to force things to be different but there are some things that we cannot change. For me the chaos known as my life right now can’t be changed. I have to learn to embrace the chaos instead of fighting it. I am a person that schedules every part of my day, I am always early to appointments, and I like to know what’s coming. Chaos and the unknown are terrifying for me. I am beginning to think part of my lesson in my life is how to embrace both of those things without assuming that only bad is coming or I am going to fail. I thought my lesson in patience was going to be the only lesson I would have to face but it seems I was wrong. For the record, I am still dealing with the lesson of patience. I am pretty confident I am failing that one pretty hard.
Do what you can to continue to learn in life. Life is about growing and learning. It is about being better than you started out. Continue to find your way through the chaos without going too crazy. Until next time!
This week has also been filled with trials for me as well. The first of them was adjusting to my mom being here permanently. This is a big change for the both of us. She has lived without kids for the last three years. She and I have spent the last three years only seeing one another once a year and talking on the phone. Now that she is here we are both having to adjust.
On top of that I have had a realization about a friend of mine. When I say friend I mean it in the loosest of terms possible. She and I started out as pretty good friends and I have learned a few things I don’t like about her. It came to a point that I began to think maybe it was time to cut her loose. That was until I had a conversation with her oldest daughter. Her oldest daughter has a lot of responsibility that should not be placed on her. She feels alone and that she is crazy. I know all too well both of those feelings. What I learned in this conversation was not just what is going on with this kid but why her mother was brought into my life. The reason is because of this teenager. Last week I talked about how I adopt people into my family. Well I have found another lost soul that needs a safe haven and as always I have offered her a place to turn to when she needs it. I am confident she will slowly be spending more of her time with me. There is something about this girl that reminds me of me at that age. I am hoping that I am able to be there for her.
I was also met with other trials this week. One of them having to do with matters of the heart. That trial I am unsure if it is over or just getting started. Part of me wants to say that it’s done. It's easier to wash my hands of the situation than to hope that it will work out in my favor. The other side of me, the romantic side or the Santiago side says just wait. Something is coming and when it does it will change everything. A couple of weeks ago I thought I knew what the universe was telling me, now I am completely confused in more ways than one. I am trying to listen to the universe but right now she is sending mixed messages and it is pissing me off. The unknown is what I am facing at this point.
The last trial I faced this week has been my writing. With all of the changes I am dealing with I am finding it difficult to get more than a few hours in a day. It is a challenge for me to get more than four pages a day done. I have days where I get more done than others and I tell myself that I will be fine but I am frustrated with my progress or what I feel is a lack of progress.
So what do I do about all I am enduring at this point? I could wash my hands of all the distractions? I could try harder to do more writing? I could maybe look at my schedule to see if there is a way to improve it? All of those ideas are valid ideas but I am not sure any of them will do the job. Here’s what I am learning at this point in my life. The first is some people need your help. I could decide not to help any others or give them a safe haven but I believe if you have the opportunity to change a life you should. Letting someone who needs a friend or a family drown just isn’t okay. I don’t have a lot in terms of money but I do have plenty to give when it comes to support. What I am having to learn is how not just to balance my life everyday but how to also get what I need in. I would love to go back to writing everyday all day. I miss those days where I got to hang out with Savannah and her family without a concern for other things. My life has dramatically changed from those days. I am glad that it has because I am a happier person. At this point I need to be okay with getting only a few hours a day in. Eventually my life will calm down enough that I can go back to spending more time with Savannah for now she gets a few hours a day. I am spending more time with my kids. I am ensuring I am staying healthy and because I was able to get a little creative I was able to go back to karate. Mind you, I have to drive farther to the dojo but I get to train. It’s an exciting prospect.
Sometimes we have to accept the way things are. We can try to force things to be different but there are some things that we cannot change. For me the chaos known as my life right now can’t be changed. I have to learn to embrace the chaos instead of fighting it. I am a person that schedules every part of my day, I am always early to appointments, and I like to know what’s coming. Chaos and the unknown are terrifying for me. I am beginning to think part of my lesson in my life is how to embrace both of those things without assuming that only bad is coming or I am going to fail. I thought my lesson in patience was going to be the only lesson I would have to face but it seems I was wrong. For the record, I am still dealing with the lesson of patience. I am pretty confident I am failing that one pretty hard.
Do what you can to continue to learn in life. Life is about growing and learning. It is about being better than you started out. Continue to find your way through the chaos without going too crazy. Until next time!
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