I feel like today is the perfect day to tell you a pandemic story. One that might seem a little typical but isn’t. Not really. I know we were all going through it in 2020. That is a year that for all of us will live on in infamy. Most people these days aren’t old enough to know about what life was like living through something like the Spanish Flu or even Polio. I had a great-uncle who had one leg a bit shorter than the other and he himself was a little guy with probably more than a few issues that resulted from the disease other than just a limp.

I had no such issues as a result of Covid other than the loss of family members. Those who were immunocompromised. (As far as I know, I’ve never had it.) I did, however, feel the effects of depression deeply back then, like so many others. My world as I knew it was ending. (A bit of foreshadowing here: it needed to.) And to be honest, I didn’t know how to move on past the fact that these changes were so hard. My heart broke into many pieces back then. It was time.

I came across something powerful in my journey to discover myself again. I know that sometimes words can maim us on the inside, but they can also help us heal. Over the past few years that’s something I’ve been working on a lot. One of my first lessons, one of the hardest things I did was to lay down the hurt and the anger. Learning to love yourself means putting the past away and looking at yourself in a different light.

Admittedly, I hated myself, for reasons unknown. Are there ever any good reasons to believe all the bullshit people tell you about yourself? Or to hate yourself for existing? No. You really shouldn’t. You don’t deserve all that pain. The thing is, I used to. I didn’t want to exist. I didn’t think I had a choice, but we always do. I certainly didn’t think I was worthy of love. The past had taught me to hide my heart all the time. Why? I don’t know. I was angry at the world for that too. So much had been taken from me yet I thought it was my fault. Back then…

It was grief and pain and I couldn’t get rid of it. It was sorrow that I used to live with daily thinking that was just how it was going to be. Until the day I broke inside so badly that I had no choice but to learn and change and grow. At the bottom once again, I began to look up at the light that was peeking through the darkness at me. Finally, there was something to grasp. The world was beginning to spin on its side and I was able to catch it this time. It was my turn to get the lessons I needed and feel the things I needed to feel to get passed it all.

One of the main lessons I learned over the past few years was to love me. It sounds simple but it isn’t. Not at all. Not when all you’ve ever done was hate yourself for being alive when you didn’t want to be here. I never thought I was deserving of love and didn’t understand how anyone could ever be jealous of me. Like, what the actual fuck? Right? It’s true though. I’ve had folks tell me some weird stuff over the years about it. If only they knew the torment I’ve lived through, but they didn’t because no one knew. I didn’t talk about all the times people did things to me without my consent growing up or in my twenties. I never really told many people about the fact that someone tried to choke me one night and that I got so scare I was going to die that I defended myself and he spent the rest of the night vomiting because I hurt him. I kept it all to myself out of embarrassment and shame. Also, when one person doesn’t believe you, you tend to be silent. It’s also hard to love yourself when no one else has. So, getting right with me took some work, some tears, and some apologizing to myself.

I thought about all this today because one of the songs with the words to the lessons I have been learning played in my ear as it had so many times over these last three years. It reminded me of how much I want to tell this story because I feel like I need to. Personal growth and change are both hard things to endure and neither is pretty when they’re happening. For me, there was a lot of tears and admitting the truth. I’m not a perfect person and I know I could have handled a lot of things better than I did in my angry years. I also know, so could everyone else, but they didn’t either. So, the wind blows hard through the ‘graveyard’ of my life, sending ashes of those people flying to the four corners of the world. As it should.

One thing about changing and growing that I’m learning is your energy changes when you do. When you accept who you’re becoming and let go of what you don’t need from the past, people can feel that and they try to come running at you. Nope. Whole lot of nope. We will never succeed in changing our narrative to a more positive one if we keep letting those ‘dead’ souls revive themselves after many years. That’s one lesson to take away from learning to love yourself. Value you more and them less because they didn’t value you when they had the chance. Now, they have none, but we always deserved better than that. I said we. Meaning, I know, I also deserved better. [Smiling right now.]

One thing I can and will say about this learning session I’ve undertaken long-term is, words can hurt, but they can also inspire us. In my case, they inspired me to do the work and feel better mentally. I can and will always say the lessons I’ve learned helped me to rewire my brain and think of things differently. I want to share those words with you that I listened to for over a year. A year after I listen to them daily, I noticed how much more I smiled and laughed and felt better in general than when I began.

I also found out in that first year that someone I love dearly is dying slowly and she cannot be healed. We will lose her no matter what else happens in the life we are leading right now. Knowing this would have normally put me into a tailspin of sorrow. It hurts, don’t get me wrong. I love my mother. Without that walk down the lane of loving myself and rewiring my brain, I might not have been able to climb out of bed long enough to put my paintbrush in my hand again after so long. Yes. I did that the night we first heard the big C. I couldn’t think of anything to let out the desperate hurt feelings I had hearing the news. It was late June 2021 and I had already said what I needed to say to my inner Jen. I cried about it and learned that I also deserve to be loved, even if that meant only by me. So, instead of crashing into the void of black despair, I painted and later, I did cry. I do sometimes still, knowing she will go and leave us here without her. I think about her legacy though instead of grieving right now. I think about her life and what she will leave us with. Who she is as a person and how strong you have to be to do what she did her whole life for us. I know she always did the best with what she had, even if that wasn’t much. I’m going to miss her, but I think she knows just how much I love her. I tell her all the time when I see her.

Since I don’t live in the dark anymore, I know not to miss those opportunities with loved ones like her. We get so stuck that we don’t see how much we could miss with our people. Being present with her is important. Being mentally healthy is important too. A part of that is learning to love me and therefore sharing that love with all the loved ones I can because I know our time is limited.

It took a long time in this current life I live to finally start getting it right. Now, I wanted to share some of the words that helped inspire me on this part of the journey of my life. One I didn’t think I would get to live for this long. I am thankful these days because I learned so much about unconditional love and by loving myself, I can love others more and with more of my heart.

Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t some miracle cure-all for what ails you. This is a way to maybe help a person see some things that were in us all along and needed an extra push from an outside source to finally breakdown and see for ourselves. Words of affirmation are important too. We need those as much as we need others to see the real us that we hide because we’re afraid they won’t like what they see.

It’s time to stop being so afraid, at least, for me. It’s time to talk about all those tough things hidden from the world because they might not believe me or care. It’s time for me to stop hiding and step out into the bright sunlight. It’s also time to stop fighting against myself. Finally.

Answer: Love Yourself 

(By Bangtan Sonyeondan 방탄소년단)

I open my eyes in the darkness

When the sound of my beating heart feels unfamiliar,

I face you in the mirror

An afraid look, a long-pending question

Perhaps, than loving someone else,

it is more difficult to love myself

Let’s be honest and admit what we have to admit

that your standards are more strict when they are applied to you

The wide growth ring in your life

That is also a part of you, that is also you

So let’s forgive yourself now

Our life is too long to be given up

Trust me in the maze

Once the winter passes, the spring will come again

The stare of a cold night

To hide my miserable self,

I tossed and turned, but

Did I fall to be showered by those countless stars

I’m the only target aimed by those thousands of glittering arrows

You’ve shown me I have reasons

I should love myself

I answer with all my breath and all the path I’ve walked along

Yesterday’s me, today’s me, tomorrow’s me

(I’m learning how to love myself)

Without exception, all together, they are all me

Perhaps there might not be the answer

Perhaps this might not be an answer

Even just to love myself,

I needed to have someone else’s permission

I’m still looking for myself again

But I don’t want to die anymore

Me, who was sad

Me, who was hurt

Me, who will be more beautiful

Yeah, knowing the presence of such beauty

is the way to my love

is the most necessary thing that is most like me

The move that has to be made for me now

is the action that is for me

is the attitude that is for me

That is the happiness for me

I’ll show you what I got

I’m not afraid because that is my own existence

Love myself

From the start of the beginning

and until the finish of the ending,

there is only one answer

Why do you keep trying to hide under your mask,

when even the scars made by your own mistake mark your constellations

You’ve shown me I have reasons

I should love myself

I answer with all my breath and all the path I’ve walked along

Inside me, there’s still

my clumsy self

You’ve shown me I have reasons

I should love myself

I answer with all my breath and all the path I’ve walked along

Yesterday’s me, today’s me, tomorrow’s me

(I’m learning how to love myself)

Without exception, all together, they are all me

(Original Korean Lyrics Answer: Love Yourself)

눈을 뜬다 어둠 속 나
심장이 뛰는 소리 낯설 때
마주 본다 거울 속 너
겁먹은 눈빛 해묵은 질문
어쩌면 누군가를 사랑하는 것보다

더 어려운 게 나 자신을 사랑하는 거야
솔직히 인정할 건 인정하자
니가 내린 잣대들은 너에게 더 엄격하단 걸
니 삶속의 굵은 나이테
그 또한 너의 일부, 너이기에
이제는 나 자신을 용서하자
버리기엔 우리 인생은 길어
미로 속에서 날 믿어
겨울이 지나면 다시 봄은 오는 거야

차가운 밤의 시선
초라한 날 감추려
몹시 뒤척였지만

저 수많은 별을 맞기 위해 난 떨어졌던가
저 수천 개 찬란한 화살의 과녁은 나 하나

You’ve shown me I have reasons

I should love myself

내 숨 내 걸어온 길 전부로 답해

어제의 나 오늘의 나 내일의 나
(I’m learning how to love myself)

빠짐없이 남김없이 모두 다 나

정답은 없을지도 몰라

어쩜 이것도 답은 아닌 거야
그저 날 사랑하는 일조차
누구의 허락이 필요했던 거야
난 지금도 나를 또 찾고 있어
But 더는 죽고 싶지가 않은 걸
슬프던 me
아프던 me
더 아름다울 美

그래 그 아름다움이 있다고, 아는 마음이
나의 사랑으로 가는 길
가장 필요한 나다운 일
지금 날 위한 행보는
바로 날 위한 행동
날 위한 태도
그게 날 위한 행복
I’ll show you what I got

두렵진 않아 그건 내 존재니까
Love myself

시작의 처음부터
끝의 마지막까지
해답은 오직 하나

왜 자꾸만 감추려고 해 니 가면 속으로
내 실수로 생긴 흉터까지 다 내 별자린데

You’ve shown me I have reasons

I should love myself

내 숨 내 걸어온 길 전부로 답해

내 안에는 여전히
서툰 내가 있지만

You’ve shown me I have reasons

I should love myself

내 숨 내 걸어온 길 전부로 답해

어제의 나 오늘의 나 내일의 나

(I’m learning how to love myself)

빠짐없이 남김없이 모두 다 나

(Translation to English courtesy of DoolsetBangtan.)

So, this is a part of my pandemic story. I hope you enjoyed it just a little bit. I know it might have been slightly vague as to the details of personal destruction, but I wasn’t here to bring you down. I wanted to hopefully inspire you on your own journey by illustrating some possibilities for you. I don’t know if I’ve done that correctly, but I hope so.

Many best wishes as we get started on 2023. Hopefully your chapter two is great. #Hwaiting! (This means good luck or let’s get it, in Korean.)

All my love,

Jen~