Not quite Good Morning, but not far off. My head’s heavy with more than just this annoying cold! So, as usual for now-a-days, I thought I’d work through it by writing and, having been at it for a couple of hours, have maybe sifted the ‘worth keeping for now’ from the junk.

February has been busy. I’ll concentrate ‘writing-wise’ on here and, I must admit, that it is the writing that has pre-occupied a lot of my headspace. As the deadlines for my MA’s critical and creative assignments loom, I’ve needed to figure out and pin-point the exact themes and questions I’d like to explore through this work. Very early on, my natural pull was to use this opportunity to explore the affect of separation between a young infant and birth mother and this, and all that threads from it, has developed to overshadow many of the projects I’m working on.

Maybe I mentioned before that I’m also acting as Writer in Residence for a local therapeutic centre, for another of my MA modules. Through this work I’m running a block of weekly creative writing workshops. The theme for this has been close to my heart too, as we explore adoption from the adoptive mother’s point of view. It’s honest, painful work. But, through the written word and the promise of anonymity, heartfelt and insightful reflections are shared and healing can take place. It’s been an incredibly supportive process and one that I think we’re all going to be sad to see end. The fact that it is my writing journey (the hungry to write the story I knew was there and begging internally for me to release), that has lead me to these extraordinary opportunities still leaves my head swimming in wonder. Through taking open doors and daring to expose my ‘Self’, I’m developing a passion I hadn’t truly realised.

My youngest daughter groans (quite literally) when I say to her, ‘Please, don’t ignore an opportunity’. Well, I actually say ‘don’t ignore an open door’, but, now that I’m writing this down, my cognitive brain is sending off alarm bells…like, ANY open door? Is this safe advice?! Like most of the snippets I throw out, I didn’t live that way myself until later years, so I am aware of being a well-intended hypocrite. But, I do earnestly believe this is true, and it’s only through following instinctively and often with no understanding of ‘why’ that my life has become more understood to me and I have become more in touch with my fundamental and true ‘Self’.

I’ll share a snippet of ‘thought’ I had on a train to London a few months ago, regarding this. It shows personal growth and therefore would be terrifying for me to share in any other way than this, but I think we can most likely all relate at some level. If not, then it is as I feared. I am losing the plot and on the fringe of being certifiable:

Note to self (30th Nov. 2022)

It’s as if I’m reborn, there’s a life pushing up and out of me that I can only watch, as if quite apart from me but calling itself ‘me’. It comes out with confident opinions and remarks, ventures into conversations I wouldn’t have previously taken part in…even speaks in a different voice to my own. 

At first, I think it assertive and like the freedom it brings but then I become afraid of its limitless prowl, with respect for no boundaries, I feel it pulls me to situations and moments ‘I’m’ not actually in. As if I have to take the blame, responsibility, for a wrongdoing that’s not mine. I’m told my facial expressions are of such a way that I wouldn’t have expected if looking at myself in a mirror. 

This assured person takes me over and the old me seems bamboozled, completely lost…possibly disappeared until dead. But then my original still nags with self-doubt and worry and fear of consequence and so hasn’t really left at all but, rather, lies dormant and over-ruled. Not sure if this other presence is invited or something completely out of my control. 

I shared it with one of our tutors, as the following week we were reflecting as the term came to a close, and she asked if any of us felt ‘different’ (I shared this with her later, by email, but…even so, how unlike me was that!) I wondered if I had reached some sort of known point. Her reflections were really useful and insightful too. She introduced me to a French psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan and his theory of the Mirror Stage. This explores the false image that we create as very young children, the ‘ego’, which he sees separately from the true ‘Self’ that we are born with, which has an uncoordinated and disconnected perception. It’s fascinating, if this is your bag.

Well, I’ve digressed and flipped about and must let you get on with your day! This is the feedback that I most need to address: positive that I’m passionate and would like to explore so many ideas but negative to include them all in one essay! There’s more weight in a piece of writing that pin-points and concentrates deeply on one theme, and one theme only. Sorry, I’ve messed up again!

Jx