Desde que puedo recordar quise ser perfecta. Quer��a ser la ni��a m��s bonita, inteligente, siempre limpia y organizada.

Y ahora s�� que eso vino en gran parte de mi propia historia y traumas, pero tambi��n de lo que escuchaba constantemente de mi familia y de la sociedad.

"Debes tener ��xito", "Debes hacer algo con tu vida", "Debes ganar dinero" y, por supuesto, "Siempre debes estar haciendo algo, de lo contrario, eres una vaga". Todas esas creencias quedaron atrapadas en mi cabeza tan profundamente que todav��a estoy tratando de desenclavarlas.

La idea de que TENEMOS que hacer esto o aquello est�� en todas partes y, lamentablemente, la mayor��a de las veces est�� ligada a nuestro valor como persona, porque de alguna manera est��bamos convencidos de que si no lo HACEMOS todo el tiempo, no valdr��amos nada. Y ese fue mi mayor miedo.

No lo sab��a en ese momento, pero estaba constantemente tratando de demostrarles a todos que era digna de amor y que no era una carga y la estrategia que encontr�� fue que TEN��A que trabajar duro, no solo trabajar constantemente, pero ten��a que ser perfecto.

As�� que los deber��a se convirtieron en una forma de vida para m��. Poco a poco, todo se convirti�� en un deber, una obligaci��n; incluso la cosa m��s peque��a, como limpiar la casa, lo tom�� como un voto sagrado.

Pero la parte m��s triste es cuando las cosas que sol��a disfrutar, como escribir, tambi��n aparecieron en mi "Lista de deberes". Algo que fue mi refugio, mi terapia, la med��a y comparaba y me encontraba pensando "Oh, debo escribir todos los d��as" "Deber��a poner al menos 2000 palabras al d��a en mi manuscrito" "Deber��a publicar un pensamiento inspirador o una entrada de blog cada x cantidad de tiempo ".

Y luego, por supuesto, no pod��a sentirme inspirada, las palabras sal��an en gotas en lugar de corrientes como sol��an hacerlo. Pero incluso peor que eso, comenc�� a sentir resistencia a escribir.

Todo en mi vida se trataba de Deber��as y nada de placer, nada de VIVIR mi vida.

La raz��n por la que quiero hablar de esto es porque afect�� mis niveles de ansiedad. Cada d��a que no cumpl��a con mis deberes, me sent��a terrible conmigo misma; y los d��as en que fui muy "exitosa" y logr�� todo lo que estaba en mi lista de "cosas por hacer", terminaba con una migra��a, debido a toda la presi��n que me estaba poniendo.

Me di cuenta de que eso no era saludable, no es as�� como quiero vivir mi vida, que no val��a mi paz.

As�� que aqu�� hay otra palabra: ELEG�� darme m��s permisos, ser m��s flexible y vivir m��s en un lugar equilibrado.

Porque ciertamente tenemos algunos deberes, hay cosas en la vida que es importante hacer y la disciplina es una gran aliada, sin embargo, puedo experimentarla al lado del descanso, la relajaci��n y por qu�� no, incluso un poquito de ocio. Lo que siempre me recuerda de una canci��n que habla de la importancia de tener estos momentos, porque es ah�� donde la creatividad puede fluir m��s f��cilmente. Entonces no es pereza, es una inversi��n en otro tipo de estado, una que tambi��n es valiosa en la vida.

Si queremos experimentar armon��a, m��s paz, entonces podemos optar por abrazar m��s la filosof��a "Dolce far Niente", porque como dijo Lao Tse en el verso 37 del Tao Te Ching:

Ever since I can rememer I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to be the prettiest, smartest, always clean, always organized little girl.

An I know now that came much from my own story and traumas, but also from what I was hearing constantly from my family and from society.

"You must be succesful", "You must do something with your life", "You must make money" and of course, "You must always be doing something, other wise, you are just lazy". All of those beliefs got stuck in my head so deep, that I'm still trying to nail them out.

The idea that we HAVE to do this or that is everywhere, and sadly, most of the time it's linked with our value as a person, because we were somhow convinced that if we don't DO all the time, we are worthless. And that was my biggest fear.

I didnt'd know it at the time, but I was constantly trying to prove everyone that I was worthy of love and that I was not a burden and the startegy that I found, was that I HAD to work hard, not only constantly working hard, but it had to be perfect.

So the Shoulds became a way of life for me. Litlle by little, everything became a must, a duty; even the smallest thing like cleaning around the house I took it like a sacred vow.

But the saddest part is when the things I used to enjoy, like writing, appeared also in my "Shoulds list". Something that was my refuge, my therapy, became measured and compared and would find myself thinking "Oh I must write every day" "I should be putting at least 2000 words a day in my manuscript" "I should be posting an inspirational thought or a blog entry every this amount of time".

And then of course, I couldn't feel inspired, the words were coming out in drops instead of streams as they used to. But even worse than that, I started feeling a resistance to write.

Everything in my life was about Shoulds and nothing about pleasure, nothing about LIVING my life. 

The reason why I want to talk about this, it's because it affected my anxiety levels. Every day that I didn't fulfill my Shoulds, I would feel terrible at myself; and the days that I was very "succesfull" and accomplished everything on my To-do list, I would end up with a migraine headache, from all the pressure I was putting on my myself.

I realized that's not healthy, that's not how I want to live my life, that was not worth my peace.

So here's another word: I CHOSE to give myself more permisions, to be more flexible and to live more in place of balance.

Because we certainly have some duties, there are things in life it's important to do and discipline it's a great ally, however, I can be experienced alonsigside rest, relaxation, and why not, even a little bit of leisure. Which always reminds me of a song that talks about the importance of having these moments, because it's there where creativy can flow more easily. So it's not laziness, it's an investment in another type of state, one that is also valuable in life.

If we want to experience harmony, more peace, then we can choose to embrace more the "Dolce far Niente" philosophy, because as Lao Tzu said on verse 37 of the Tao Te ching: