On a walk with my 8-year-old last weekend, we passed a sign on a lawn that said “Our Gay and Trans Kids Will Not Be Erased.” He slowed down to look at the sign, and then asked me what ‘erased’ meant.

“It means we won’t pretend that they don’t exist. We won’t make them disappear,” I answered, caught a bit off-guard.

“So, is that a good sign?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said. “It’s a good sign. It’s a supportive sign.”

“Who wants us to disappear?” he asked. “Why do they need that sign?”

Oh, Lord. The names of politicians projecting anti-trans agendas ran through my mind. Laws that limit words, medical access, bathroom usage, swirled in my head. I wanted to explain this to him and not explain this to him. But, he’s only eight. He deserves to live a little longer as a child, shielded from slates of hate, innocent of the fact that a significant part of our country doesn’t want him to be who he is. That information is slowly seeping into his life anyway. I don’t need to push it.

“Just some people don’t understand what trans is,” I said. Not a lie, yet not an answer. We kept walking and I changed the subject.

How am I going to explain the anti-trans movement to him? When is the right time to delve into specifics? There’s no blueprint on how to parent your trans kid, but here are some ideas that I’ve taken away from conversations with other parents of trans kids that I think are decent guides on when and how to explain what is happening in our world.

1. Consider the age. An 8-year-old can’t understand the nuances that a 15-year-old can. Littles probably don’t have access to the same information that teens do. Be conscious of the fact that a second grader might not be able to have a long discussion about legislation and access to gender-affirming care without being overwhelmed by the words and confused by the complexity of the issues. My friend had a discussion about specific anti-trans legislation with her 13-year-old trans son, and he was able to understand that people were fighting for trans rights just as hard as people were fighting against trans rights. He had heard about the legislation from friends in school, and wanted more information. My 8-year-old isn’t hearing about anti-trans legislation on the playground, so I’ll just let him play.

2. Consider the purpose. Why do you want to talk to your 9-year-old in detail about what is going on in Florida or Texas? Do you live in an area where transphobia is the norm? If so, you might want to talk to your kid about safety at a younger age than a person who lives in a nice little LGBTQ+-supportive bubble. I’m just going to let the anti-trans legislation discussion sit a bit longer because we do live in one of those bubbles. I have the luxury of not having to warn my kid to be careful or worry about his physical safety at school. If that is not the case - and I’ve spoken with parents who live in Texas and Florida - you will probably need to have a discussion at a younger age than those of us who live in more liberal states. Remember to use age-appropriate language to communicate your message. If you do live in an area where trans people are accepted and supported, you might want to wait a bit longer to introduce the idea of anti-trans legislation to your kiddo.

3. Be aware of the effect. Imagine if your mom or dad sat you down and said, “A lot of people in the country hate you. No, they don’t know you, but they just hate the idea of you existing. So, any questions?” Now, I know that as a parent of a trans kid you will be more tactful than that, but at the end of the day, that’s the reality and might be the takeaway. Be prepared for tears, anxiety, hard questions, and choose your language carefully. Make sure that your kid knows that you love them and support them. Yes, at some point the bliss of ignorance is going to be torn away, but please use the least anxiety-producing language that you can in explaining what is happening, and be as educated as you can be before initiating any discussions. If the discussion isn’t ‘necessary’ (read: your kid is young and anti-trans legislation isn’t affecting their day-to-day life), you can wait a bit. A 7-year-old trans kid who lives in a supportive state doesn’t need to know who DeSantis is. These conversations are hard enough, and will come up eventually no matter where you live. Choose your words carefully, while still being honest. Again, the age of your trans kid should determine the way you deliver any information needed.

The look on my trans son’s face after seeing that sign broke my heart. I know that I can’t shelter him forever, nor do I want to. But, I’m going to wait to give details until he asks because I can wait. Where I live, we have support and that gives me (and him) time. Maybe, hopefully, by the time he comes home and asks what “Don’t Say Gay” means, there won’t be a “Don’t Say Gay” law anymore. Maybe, hopefully, there will be a Supreme Court decision that says the government can’t decide what medical care my child needs or doesn’t need. Right now, those are not the answers to those questions, so have anti-trans discussions with your trans kid carefully and accurately, and always let your child know that you support them and not a slate of hate.