This article is more of an advocate/ally article than an educational piece, so if you will bear with me, I will tell the story of how I learned about Autism and how I learned to be an advocate/ally of those folks who might need a little extra helping hand when things get overwhelming for reasons—at the time—I didn’t used to understand.

I have a friend, let’s call her KelinRose for the sake of anonymity. KelinRose is a woman who grew up being mentally and sometimes psychically abused by people in her life that didn’t understand she was different than other kids. (Not excusing this at all, just explaining.) They all thought she was just stupid, not having issues learning because she learned differently than others. Back then, people were cruel about things they didn’t understand and there was no real information about Autism. Their lack of information was never an accuse for excessive cruelty toward a kid they didn’t understand. I digress. There is so much more to her story than just her home life. Of course, being bullied in school and tortured that way was also not okay.

Anyway, she grew up and met and married a good man who knew what he was dealing with when he got together with her because he also had Autism in his family. Now, I know what you might be thinking. Autism isn’t just nonverbal screaming and running away. There is so much more, that’s why they call it a spectrum. As far as I know, my friend was never nonverbal, at least with me. She went on in this marriage to have two kids who also have Autism, both differing degrees of the spectrum. Again, no nonverbal types. Both of her boys talk just fine, but they both have their different Autism quirks about them. (I won’t talk about them specifically right now.) This family was 2/3 Autism folks and they lived together a long time before her husband finally succumbed to cancer a few years ago. This hit them hard and it still does.

One marker that I’ve noticed about a lot of people, Autism spectrum or possible undiagnosed individuals, is they don’t like change. Sometimes to the point that it can make them angry, sad, and overwhelmed easily. When overwhelmed sometimes some of them can have a lot of meltdowns. I used to think (because I was ignorant as to why) these meltdowns were a kid a throwing a tantrum. No. That’s not what it is. They get frustrated easier than other people. If you know someone who this happens with, it’s easier to have a little patience. I grew to understand that he didn’t have those meltdowns because he was being childish, it was because he gets overwhelmed easier than people without Autism will. At his age, he was a teen at the time, it’s easy to imagine that he’s just being bratty and that wasn’t it at all.

Remember how I said a person with Autism hates change? Imagine losing your dad, the one person who helped keep you calm when you can’t keep yourself calm and your mom can’t help either. Imagine knowing he’s not coming back and he can’t be there with you anymore. This big change happened. You don’t know how to react to that on a normal day usually. It hurts but you express the hurt, you cry usually. A lot and for days. What if you can’t do that because you don’t express emotions the same way atypical people do? All of this scared KelinRose when it started happening because she was also overwhelmed and grieving her husband’s loss and her older son did what he always did, lived the life of a recluse. (This happened to be his way of dealing with life, shutting the world away. Probably so he could think clearer.)

I met this kind soul when I was working with a vanity press toward the start of my career as a writer and freelance editor/formatter. She had trouble telling people things and standing up for herself with publishers and around others generally. I think her husband used to protect her and make sure a lot of crazy stuff didn’t happen, except in publishing. That’s where a friend of mine and I helped her when we found out how things were going. We got her and a few others together and a mass exodus happened at that vanity press. I think her husband was still alive at that time and he probably gave her the strength to come away from that place with us. She always thought she failed when in reality, so many people are proud of her for doing something she loved. There were two sides to her publishing story with those people and the next publisher she went to that I helped her get back away from. After that, I personally didn’t trust anyone else to help her with her books. I didn’t want her getting tied up with another mess. (I am also protective of my friends.) I helped her publish two YA fantasy books and made a cool website for her to promote them, but life gets in the way of the spirit of writing sometimes. This doesn’t mean I’m not proud of her for trying because I am.

I digress once again. She taught me everything I know about how to interact and treat folks with different types of Autism. She is a kind hearted person who likes nerdy things like D&D and Anime. She likes making crafts for folks to buy. She goes to Cons. She is probably a bit of a gamer. (Like her youngest son.)

I’ve cried with this woman and been angry on her behalf many times. We’ve told each so many stories I can’t remember them all. AND we’ve laughed a lot over the years. She used to cheer me up by sending me the most horrid book covers she could find on the Internet because she knew I would laugh until I cried. This is a person who has had Autism and ADHD all her life. She is also a lovely, giving, kind soul who deserves to be loved and have friendships with people too.

I will never forget what she’s taught me about a subject I barely knew about before I met her. I will always be an advocate/ally for those who need me. She needed me back then. I needed her too.

Jennifer Oneal Gunn