Many of us spend far too much of our precious lives fretting over that perennial, burning question, “What do they think of me?”

For the moment, let’s put aside the question of whether the answer is worth the effort. Is the answer at all accessible? Because asking yourself, “What do people think of me?” is about as futile as asking, “What color is a mirror?”

The Mirror

What color do you see when you look in a mirror? Whatever colors you are wearing. So too, when you’re guessing what other people are thinking, you’re really only projecting your own feelings on them.

If you think of it like this we are all mirrors for one another. When you see things you don’t like in another person, most likely it’s actually something you don’t like about yourself.

In this case, there’s solid proof. Take the guy who is convinced people are thinking bad things about him. Why does he think that? Because he thinks bad things about them. It’s patently so: He thinks they are all thinking bad things about him, which everyone agrees is a pretty lousy thing to do.

A Biblical story: The Jewish people were complaining to Moses (they did that sometimes) that there was no way they could conquer Canaan, so why the heck did he bring them here in the first place? They said, “G‑d must have brought us here because He really doesn’t like us, so He could hand us over to these Canaanites to get rid of us.

That line doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t have to. It’s not reason, it’s emotion. What’s the emotion? That God no longer liked them and wanted to get Him off their backs. So they projected their emotions on God. They wanted to get rid of Him, so they perceived that He wanted to get rid of them.

“That which you imagine the other guy is thinking about you is really nothing more than what you are thinking about him.

“That which you imagine the other guy is thinking about you is really nothing more than what you are thinking about him.”3

Which makes a lot of sense. Because how the heck are you going to figure out what the other guy is thinking about you? You’re way too subjective. And besides, he himself doesn’t know what he thinks of you. He’s too busy trying to figure out what you think of him.

Turns out the whole “what do they think of me” business is nothing more than an exercise—actually, a whole gymnasium—in futility.

What should you do instead?

Who Is “I,” Anyway?

Sounds like you should just live your life, do your thing, and ignore the rest of the world.

Maybe you shouldn’t give a hoot what other people think. People are here today, gone tomorrow. 

There’s a saying, “Never allow yourself to be embarrassed by those who laugh at the good things you do.”

Sounds like you should just live your life, do your thing, and ignore the rest of the world.

There’s a fantastic quote I once read that said “If people enjoy having you around, so does G‑d. And if G‑d enjoys having you around, people do too.”5

But turns out that what people think of you is important to almost all of us.

And that’s really all that “I” inside you is about. It’s your way of seeing yourself through other people’s eyes:

Humans are all about collaboration. We collaborate by talking with each other. The most basic word necessary for talking to others is, of course, “you.” To communicate, you can’t just know what you want to say, you need to have some concept of what the other person is hearing.

If there’s a “you,” there’s got to be an “I.” That’s your concept of how the person you’re talking to hears you.

So it’s human and healthy to want to know that you’re making a good impression. It’s vital.

For many of us, socializing is as perilous as commuting during rush hour on a scooter.

Just that it takes a huge overhead of cerebral activity. Your mind has to process a lot of information: If I were this person, what would I think of other people? How are my words making this person feel? Does this person want me here right now?

Some people are really good at gauging all that. They somehow look in the mirror and it’s transparent—they don’t see themselves, just the other guy.

Some of us are lousy. For many of us, socializing is as perilous as commuting during rush hour on a scooter. We end up crashing into a lot of people, and yet more often, crashing into ourselves.

How To Be Liked

Okay, so you need to ensure others have a good concept of you, but you find it way too hard to figure out what they are really thinking, and obsessing over it is overheating your neurons and distracting your focus from the traffic of life. So what do you do?

Simple. you do what’s necessary for people to appreciate your presence. Here’s a list of some of the most used options:

Do whatever is necessary, regardless of your principles.Dress real cool and act that way, too. Spend lots of money on it.Show them you’re way smarter than any of them. Make sure they know that.Give them lots of advice. If they don’t listen, give them more.Say yes at all costs.Point out everything they’re doing wrong in the hope that they will appreciate your assistance in making them better people.

Here’s one option that actually works:

Switch focus. Drop the “me” paradigm. In the place of “What are they thinking about me?’ ask “What is special and precious about this person?” Respect them. Care about them. Ask, “How are things going for you?”

The neat thing about this option is that it is almost guaranteed to work. For three reasons:

First, because it’s always healthy to be less focused on yourself. The less self concern, the more happiness and health.

As much as you have been concerned about yourself, be genuinely concerned about the other guy.

After all, you can’t do this thinking, “If I show I like them, then they will like me.” That will backfire. When you ask someone how life is going, be prepared to listen. To really listen.

As much as you have been concerned about yourself, be genuinely concerned about the other guy. When you exit self concern through that escape hatch, you’ll find you’re breathing fresh air.

Secondly, because the two questions dominating any human being’s mind most of the time (if they’re not pondering “What are they thinking of me?”) are: “Do I exist?” and “If I do, does anyone care?”

When you ask them how things are going, you’ve filled two holes at once. Just by asking, just by listening. When you take that all the way and provide some hands-on help, you’ve scored a friend. There’s not much more valuable in this life than a friend.

When you show someone respect (which is most often accomplished by keeping your mouth tethered when it wants to run wild), they respect you. “Who is respected? Someone who respects everybody else.”7

And when you remember their name, their story, the concerns of their heart, they love you. You could act like a total nerd, say the stupidest things (as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody), come to work dressed like a schlump, keep to principles that get on their nerves—and they will love you just the same.

In other words, if you’re a nice person, you can stop thinking about whether you act cool or dumb, look smart or stupid, do what everyone does or keep bizarre rituals. You are respected, you are loved.

And if not, who cares? Maybe you really did say something stupid. Maybe you don’t look so cool. So what? You’re on the right track. You’re doing life right.

Want to get better at it. A lot of it comes from just watching those who are suave and good at it. Observe quietly and you will learn.

You’ve got out of yourself and into the world of the other guy.

 

But you’ve got the first step down: You’ve got out of yourself and into the world of the other guy.

Which leads us to the third thing: You will become a better person. That’s something to celebrate.

The Childhood Trauma Thing

What if this “what are they thinking” obsession is the residue of childhood trauma? What if you were the weirdo kid that everyone put down throughout your teen years? Don’t you have to deal with those things, untie those knots, resolve that trauma before you can let go and open yourself to vulnerability?

Personally, I don’t think so. The G‑d that created you and gave you your life gives you a new beginning every day, every moment. And, unless you’ve hurt someone real bad (in which case, you first have to make amends), people, too, are usually willing to give you another chance.

Beginning again is not as hard as it sounds. It’s all a matter of incrementally creating two small new habits:

Ask people how they’re doing, and then listen.And whenever that little nudnik in your head asks “What are they thinking about me?” catch yourself and switch that thought to “What can I do for them?”

It works wonders. When you see how much you will be loved and respected, that will be your healing.

 

The post What do they think of me? appeared first on Coaching Empresarial | Coaching Ejecutivo.