This post is part of a series to foster understanding about depression.
Other posts in this series include the following:
Part 1: Challenges to Understanding
Part 2: The Internal Cacophony
Part 3: Fighting Back
Part 4: The Tug of War
Part 5: No Respecter of Persons

I want to support my loved one…but how do I do that?

If you have someone you love who struggles with their mental health, this may be a question you have asked. While I by no means consider myself a mental health expert, my personal experience with mental health, and the position I have chosen to speak publically about my struggles, have led me to answer this type of question more than once.

I have developed what I believe to be, a meaningful two-word answer to the person who wants to support their struggling loved one. No, it does not cover every scenario, but from my personal experience, this intentional action goes MILES toward supporting your loved one in their most difficult of moments.

My two-word advice is always this: BE THERE

BE THERE

Years ago I was having a conversation with a gentleman whose wife dealt with severe depression. He was advised by the therapist, “If she crawls under the table to cry, crawl under the table and just sit with her.”

At the time I could not grasp how poignant those words were.

I would have expected the therapist to advise the husband to “get her meds”, “clean the dishes” or even “leave her be so she can get this out of her system.” However, from that conversation, I began to pay attention to the ways I felt most supported, particularly when I was at my lowest. I began to realize the meaning and intention behind the wisdom the therapist offered. And I began to boil that illustration down to its most basic form, “Be there.”

You see, as I wrote about a couple of weeks ago, mental health struggles often involve an internal tug-of-war causing you to simultaneously know you need help and wanting to isolate yourself from everything and everyone that might help. To “be there” for your loved one means to take whatever actions are necessary to help them feel safe and reassured that they are not alone.

Please note that “Being there” is going to look different depending on various circumstances. You may be across the country and physical presence may be impossible. However, physical presence is not required to be there in support of the person you love. Instead, your form of being there may involve:

Sending regular check-in texts wherein your friend knows just to respond with a number indicating how they are (on a 1-10 scale). Your follow-up texts then offer statements of love, memes, or even affirmations such as, “I realize your brain may be telling you something mean right now, but please know that you mean a lot to me. Here is something I appreciate about you…“When you know they are not doing well, you might drive over with a coffee and a laptop or book, just to sit silently in the same room where they are. As you arrive you may say something like, “You don’t have to entertain me, or even talk to me. I’m going to sit here and work/read, but I just want you to know that you are not alone.”You might give them permission to say anything and everything running through their mind without judgment or fear of backlash.You may ask if you can call and just sit silently on the phone with them. Similar to the suggestion above, the point is not to make them talk, but just to reaffirm to them that if they want to talk, you are there and available for them.

I am sure there are books, courses, and experts with much more sage advice than I can offer. However, if you want to support your loved one, the most straightforward advice that I can offer is boiled down to the intentional, meaningful act of being there.

For mental health resources in your area visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

If you know of someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts, encourage them to text HOME to 741741.
A trained volunteer at the National Crisis Text Line will anonymously help navigate whatever crisis they are going through.