This review is of Heather B. Armstrong’s The Valedictorian of Being Dead: The True Story of Dying Ten Times to Live. Why would you read a book about depression and suicide over the holiday break? I’d been wanting to read this book since it came out, but it felt too close and too personal to read up until this past month. Sadly, the author, Heather Armstrong, committed suicide this past May. She was the first big “mommy” blogger. I knew her name because I followed a number of very early bloggers (Rebecca Blood was my favorite, and I actually got to meet her at a friend’s wedding!), but I did not read Armstrong’s blog, Dooce.

Since Armstrong’s passing, so many bloggers and writers have added their opinions to the mix. What caused Armstrong to take her life? Was it the hate she received online? Was it the stress of sharing her family’s most intimate moments for the public to consume? Some folks want to place the blame on Armstrong herself, for not getting enough help, for not stopping her addiction, for not being a better parent, for oversharing…the list goes on and on. This feels like victim-blaming to me as someone who knows what mental illness is like.

As an outsider who did not read her blog (and has since read some of it), it seems as though Armstrong had so many demons. She was a brilliant writer and well-liked in school, achieving the incredibly difficult honor of being her high school valedictorian (hence the name of her book). Her sardonic wit and sarcasm were evident in her book. She loved her children and devoted entire books to them.

But Armstrong struggled with severe depression that refused to go away – it became resistant to the treatments she had used in the past. Armstrong was desperate for help. She ended up trying out a very experimental treatment that involved essentially dying and then being revived by a gifted set of medical professionals. The latter were so committed to helping mentally ill patients that they volunteered their time to this experiment. Armstrong was only the third patient to undergo this trial.

Why read this book, especially knowing about Armstrong’s heartbreaking story? If you want insight into what depression and suicidal ideation are like, the first half of this book captures it. When someone attempts suicide, they are not in their right mind. Armstrong appears to have tried many things – medications, diets, exercise, you name it. She wanted to get well for her kids. That’s what comes through in this book, and that’s what made me so sad for her.

This is a hard read, but it is an honest, frank account of severe psychiatric illness – its impact on Armstrong, of course, but also its impact on her family. The book concludes with hope, as Armstrong feels like the treatment is working. Given what transpired afterward, though, I do wonder if the treatment actually caused more harm than good. Have others involved in the experiment experienced relief or have they continued to struggle with depression? I do know that the book helped me empathize with Armstrong and understand just how much she was hurting before she took drastic measures by enrolling in this experiment.