I’ve never been dumped because I have epilepsy. I’ve had failed relationships for other reasons - which are too long for this blog post - but epilepsy was not one of them. Having been married for 17 years, I never thought about what my life would look like if epilepsy had been a factor in whether someone stayed with me or not. But, over the past year, at book signings, at speeches, at epilepsy events, I’ve talked with people who said that they only date other people with epilepsy or that they have a hard time finding someone who will stay with them after they have a seizure.

I find this shocking. I find this shallow and ridiculous, but I have also heard it enough to know that it’s a real thing. For what it’s worth, here are some of my tips on dating people who do not have epilepsy (and probably don’t know a lot about it).

1. Tell the person you have epilepsy early in the relationship. I don’t know if this is a first date conversation, I will leave that up to you, but if one date turns into two or three, it’s time to tell the person. And tell them with confidence. There is no need to apologize for having a seizure disorder. I know this can be hard, but it’s not something to be embarrassed about. It’s a chronic condition that you didn’t ask for and are just doing your best to control. Give the person you are dating your seizure “backstory” and let that be the first test for them. If they don’t respond well, at least you haven’t wasted too much time on someone who isn’t going to be there when you really need them.

2. Explain to them what to do if you have a seizure. Let’s assume that you told the person, and they are still there. Time to do some seizure first aid education. Start with “First, take a deep breath…” and go from there. Explain what they should do and what they shouldn’t do. Most people don’t know anything about epilepsy first aid, and if you are going to spend a lot of time together, they need to know how to respond if you have a seizure. Consider this test number two.

3. Be patient and determine if this is a good fit. At some point you will probably have a seizure in front of this person. I had a seizure in front of my now-husband just two weeks after we started dating. And he stayed. Twenty years later, who-knows-how-many-seizures-later, several brain surgeries and medication changes later, he is still with me. He passed all the tests that I didn’t know were even needed. Just like when you make a medication change or have a surgery, and the doctors tell you to “Be patient. We don’t know if it worked yet,” you probably won’t know if this person is going to be there for you through the good and the bad for a few months, unless it is really clear from the start that they either are or they aren’t. If you have a seizure in front of them and they stick around, that’s a good sign. If you have a seizure and then they ghost you, good riddance. They have failed test number three.

Having epilepsy does not make you a social pariah. It does not mean that you are not worthy of love - all the love in the world. It does not meant that you should settle for someone you don’t particularly like. If they have a problem with your seizure disorder, they are not worth your time. You deserve someone who passes all the tests and is in for the long haul.