My favourite podcast, We Can Do Hard Things, has done a few episodes now exploring Neurodiversity. Specifically, they interview women who have been diagnosed late in life because women are understudied and present with different symptoms – often because we are so used to high functioning. These conversations sparked a train of thought that has been running through my brain in the last few months and one big question; could I be on the autism spectrum? 

Here are some symptoms that have made me query this:

Sensory Overload – I do not like multiple stimuli, and noise is my biggest concern if I am trying to concentrate.Plans Changing – I am getting better, but for a long time, I liked things a certain way and would feel very uncomfortable or downright upset if plans changed. To clarify, I don’t get frustrated when my plans change. I get frustrated when plans change full stop. On a larger level, that is my nature – ask my husband – I like rules, structure, order and routine. One year, I had the same thing for lunch every day, and it didn’t bother me.Social Anxiety – It’s hard to say if this is regular anxiety, but my worst nightmare is cocktail parties. I don’t like small talk at all.Fixation – I get fixated – see many posts about the two years when I starved myself. But even on more minor things, if I like a song, I listen to it on repeat. I would rather rewatch movies and TV shows than watch something new. I fall asleep to Harry Potter every night. My brain likes it.Family History – Two cousins. Coping Mechanisms

I was at a gym consultation recently and the trainer commented – you are very self-aware. Yes. I also have good tools and coping mechanisms to deal with my stuff. I think it’s because, from a young age, I have found it hard to exist in my brain at times, so I learned to manage it better. 

Quiz

I love an online quiz – is it the BuzzFeed generation? – and when the guest had a link for a place you could do a quiz for traits that Autistic people have, I did it. And the answer was yes, I do have a fair number. Of course this isn’t a diagnosis. In NZ you have to be seen by a psychiatrist or psychologist and as mentioned above a lot of our data is not based on women. But am I on the spectrum? Likely.

The Point

As mentioned, I have been mulling this over for a while, and recently, I understood why; I was trying to give myself some grace. Trying desperately to understand why my brain behaves the way that it does because, hey, maybe if there is a label, a diagnosis, maybe I wouldn’t beat myself up so much for the way my brain works.

Then I realised I don’t need a diagnosis to give myself grace, to give myself what I need. I deserve grace; I deserve to have my needs met. Full stop.

Maybe one day, I will mention it to my nurse practitioner. Better yet, when I have more resources, I will pursue a diagnosis with a psychologist or psychiatrist. But for now, I have my coping mechanisms, and I need to learn to give myself grace.

I was talking to my sister the other day, and she wisely said that our problems, the things we have to navigate in our lives, are not our fault, but they are our responsibility. 

It isn’t my fault that I suck at social interactions, that I get sensory overload or that I am rigid. But what I can do is keep working on my coping mechanisms, keep giving myself grace and keep giving myself what I need. I hope you can do that for yourself today.

Helpful Resources Autism NZ We Can Do Hard Things Episode Autism Resources