My Journey Into Long-Term Therapy: #NoMindLeftBehind

It’s time to be brutally honest today and talk about my journey into long-term therapy, bear with me.

In August of 2023, I finally managed to secure long-term therapy for my CPTSD and I’ve been quiet with regards to writing about domestic abuse, almost silent. I have managed to keep up with some of my social media presence but if I’m honest I have had to focus on myself.

Before I started this new therapy, I had experienced several accesses to mental health support. Let me go back to when I was twelve, I had a Connexion counsellor at school, the reason behind this was that I was being bullied severely and the conclusion was that I was the problem (apparently). Unfortunately, a lot of my problems weren’t just with school bullies but at home, I was unaware that my parents would get a detailed report of what I had said during these therapy sessions. You can imagine what difficulties this created, more so with my mother.

I’m sure you can see why I have had a negative view of mental health support with an automatic concern over trust for any mental health interventions thereafter.

I tried to battle through it on my own with the support of a healthy partner. When I entered University all that I knew about life came crumbling down. I disliked the cliques and the ostracisation of one of the friends I had made, I ultimately had to make the decision to be friends with her over the group of friends we were a part of. I learned a lot about unhealthy people and started to look deeper into my own relationships. Fellow University students would go home for half term to see family or their relatives would visit on campus, not me; I went to my boyfriend’s house or stayed on campus on my own. I wondered why my family was so different from others and I felt like I was missing out, whilst a part of it felt normal another part of it felt abandoned. This led to my own version of rebelling, I went out drinking with different groups of people and on my own, I partied hard and locked myself in my university room with a box set of 24 (a TV show that was heavily popular at the time). From childhood, I was used to my own company and could keep myself busy so I managed through the first year.

However, it was during my university years that my healthy relationship ended and I fell into a relationship with a man who led me down a path of isolation through his manipulation and control tactics. I removed myself from family and friends almost completely. I ended up in my first round of counselling because all of our relationship problems were my fault, the counsellor identified that the relationship was an issue and couldn’t help me. More time passed and I went to a different counsellor because I needed help and I needed to solve it, this one opened up the space for us to go together, thankfully he didn’t turn up because the repercussions of this would have been incredibly dangerous. We passed a marriage “course” despite him not attending a couple of the sessions and me disclosing concerns and we did get married.

Unfortunately, my mental health support was very little even when I tried to take my own life. I sat in A&E being told I had to wait the hours for a mental health nurse to say I was OK to leave otherwise the police would arrest me. Not what I thought would happen in my moments of distress. My ex-husband had driven me insane and I had resulted in hurting myself and looking for an exit. I learned to dissociate more than I had done before, I played his game to survive and my two children were my reason to stay. I was a full-time mum and started to find my feet in how to work his system but the amount of damage he was creating was unknown to me at the time.

Once I had fled, I accessed my local GP and went straight onto antidepressants / anti-anxiety medication and remained on them for two years. There was no talk of accessing talking therapies but I self-referred myself to a programme that gave me access to a domestic abuse support worker. I also accessed tonnes of self-help, a family support worker, my bank and had more support from a new partner and his family. I didn’t see it then but I was lucky at this point in my life despite finding everything incredibly difficult in dealing with the police and the family courts. Being on the medication and struggling with my mental health as a result of the trauma I had experienced led me to be an unreliable witness and so the police case that was open on the four different crimes he was arrested for was closed, that was a long four years.

Another four years go by, I find myself struggling again and this time I access a talking therapy to avoid going back onto medication again. I was limited to twelve sessions and one problem, I had to give it a shot. I did get on with the person I was assigned to but it was just by luck that she had past work in the domestic abuse sector to be able to support me. I was too complex for the one problem assigned to the 12 weeks because my CPTSD meant one trigger could unlock several different memories that I needed to address. It was exhausting but I got through this part of my life in which trust was broken, deceit was created and abandonment was eating away at me.

Another few years went by and I had a life-changing realisation followed by the diagnosis of ADHD, my life had turned on its head. I had settled down in my marriage and felt I was happy only to recognise my feelings for women that I couldn’t ignore, this led to an identity crisis and a mental breakdown. I tried to escape my life on two occasions, one more serious than the other and I felt I had failed at being a ‘survivor’. I’m still here today which means I am still a ‘survivor’, what I mean by this is; I had everything together and I couldn’t cope with what was unfolding for the next part of my story.

It was at this point, in total crisis, that I accessed the emergency mental health service and I finally got listened to. I had to report to them weekly and they called me almost every other day to check on how I was doing (AKA checking my risk to life). Minutes in my day felt like hours, hours felt like days and every moment was a battle to just to carry on living.

After a couple of months of being with the emergency home care team, I was referred to long-term therapy which is for those with complex trauma. I shared my anxieties about therapy and questioned why I was only getting the help for this now after a decade of struggling since I fled my abusive ex-husband, a number of mental health nurses I had seen each said “I’d slipped through the system”. I was reassured that this therapy was for my complex trauma and again I told myself to give it a shot despite feeling very sceptical.

I’m around 8/9 months into seeing my therapist almost every week. The environment is right, my therapist is right and reassured me that she is there for at least two years so she can really get to know me and give me the help I deserve. I pay a contribution payment of £10 per session which I’m more than happy to do because it has repaired my lack of trust for any therapy/counselling I’ve had in the past.

It has not been easy and it’s really challenged me to think about how my trauma has truly affected my thought process, my decision making and me as a person. I give myself time around the session to prepare and then digest what we’ve spoken about. I come away feeling lighter but also validated in my feelings, tools to help me when I’m anxious or have triggers and I feel like I’m getting somewhere. My therapist had said I’m emotionally knowledgable, I’m very self-aware, I’m able to reflect on myself but not emotionally resilient- this is what we are working on.

I’m not going to lie and tell you that therapy is a simple process because it isn’t, you have realisations outside of the therapy sessions, the hard work comes outside of that session and you have to put the work in. Some weeks I feel I’ve moved forward a step but then another week I’ve moved back two steps. Remember, healing is not linear.

I’m on the path to assessment for AuDHD, I have an appointment in a couple of weeks and my hope is that I will be able to understand myself better and validation on how my brain works.

Mental health matters and without the right support it can deteriorate and feel very isolating. This month is Mental Health Awareness Month, if you’re struggling then please reach out for help because the right support for you is available once you find it, persevere, self-refer and don’t give up.

Mind has a Mental Health Awareness Week coming up 13th-19th May called #NoMindLeftBehind, if you haven’t been on Minds website then it is most certainly worth a visit with lots of information and resources.

Thank you for being patient with my lack of consistency on my blog posts and social media. Just know, I am working on my next steps. Sign up for my newsletter for the latest news and updates.