If anyone asks me what my favourite Disney film is my instant reply is Aladdin – who can resist the musical scores and the incomparable Robin Williams at his ad-libbing big energy best.  However, a close runner up to would be Dumbo, which earned its place in my heart for entirely different reasons.

Before I knew the words to articulate what was troubling my mind from a very young age, I looked at that shy creature who felt awkward in his own body, ostracised by his peers and found a kindred spirit.

Already my heart rate has risen just addressing the elephant in the room but hopefully if I type quick enough it’ll be over and done with painlessly; I live with depression.  What I’d really like to say is I’ve battled depression and ‘won’, but in truth I never emerge the victor, I just hold on, which I suppose is all any of us can do in this life when faced with the worst it has to throw at us.

The few times I’ve confessed my issues outside of family I’ve been met with either surprise or derision; which is why many times in the past when my health has declined I’ve subconsciously withdrawn from my friends and career. 

I refer to my breakdown as my ‘gap year’ because it’s easier than saying I woke up one morning and everything was as it always was, the walls around me were familiar, I had the same porridge for breakfast and waved at the neighbours, replying “aye, not bad” when they casually asked if I was okay.  Yet within seven hours my mental health took such a turn I ended up in A&E and my life nearly ended, but truthfully that’s where it began and to coin the phrase of Gavin and Stacey’s Bryn, “I’ll tell you for why”…I finally told the ugly truth. 

Don’t get me wrong, in the fragile state I was in I wasn’t able to belt out This is Me in true Greatest Showman fashion, but I managed to muster what little courage I had left and admit everything to numerous strangers and most daunting of all, to my husband who miraculously didn’t run a mile. 

“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds” – Laurell K. Hamilton. 

I was prescribed medication, which I still take, I attended numerous counselling sessions and workshops and slowly I started to feel like ‘me’ again, the darkness began to recede and light started to filter through, showing me a way back.  I know I’ll never be rid of it, which is a frightening thought, but you can’t outrun an illness, nor can you function when denying its presence…it’s just a part of who I am, it’s not the whole jigsaw, just one little puzzle piece. 

Depression and anxiety stimulate a whole spectrum of physical symptoms for me, which usually involve palpitations, panic attacks, shaking, nausea, nightmares, insomnia but the worst part is how I feel locked in my own head with a channel of self-loathing playing non-stop that I can’t turn off.

The biggest lesson I’ve learned between that night and now is expanding what I refer to as my magic circle – that is the immediate network of people I trust to talk to when I have a ‘wobble’ or fall off the metaphysical wagon and my newly acquired work family has been a huge part of my ongoing recovery. 

Most of us probably spend more time with our colleagues than our spouses so it makes sense to articulate all pertinent health needs, particularly the ones invisible to the eye, to enable the best version of yourself to shine through.  If you had a physical limitation you wouldn’t hesitate to request the necessary adjustments to your workspace, whether this resulted in a different chair, or an ergonomic keyboard, so why be reluctant when it comes to a simple conversation around your mental wellness?  I honestly believe with the right adjustments and understanding we are all capable of reaching our best.

The biggest step toward recovery is talking, having someone to listen without an agenda and making it a priority to keep talking, and reaching out, so that when you really need to, that network is already in place.

Above all else remember the wise words of Timothy Mouse “The very things that hold you down are going to lift you up”.