I usually take December off from all writing activities. I figure that I need one month a year for myself, and December always seemed like a perfect month being that it usually involves a lot of traveling, However, I got some exciting news. I may get to share the honor of naming a celestial object. I know, it sounds like a scam. One of those fly-by-night websites that sells property on Mars, but let me assure you, this is legit.

Radiolab, a podcast you may have heard (if not you really should), did an episode about a misprint on an astronomy poster where they convinced The International Astronomical Union to name the object on the poster with the misprint thereby retroactively correcting the poster. They had so much fun naming celestial objects that they convinced The International Astronomical Union to let the citizens of Earth name a rock out there in space. Take note people who are still sore over Pluto. Apparently those IAU people can be convinced to do all sorts of wacky things because I am one of those lucky citizens who may get to name a celestial object.

The object in question is a quasi-moon of Earth. Okay now it’s really sounding like a Mars Real Estate scam because what the hell is a quasi-moon? A collection of pixels on a virtual landscape? An NFT? Some sort of new crypto? A Tesla drifting in the void? It’s a rock, floating in space, that is following Earth around in its orbit. It’s not really a moon because it’s a little commitment phobic. Unlike our moon that wants to double tidal lock us so we show the same face at all times. Jeez moon, needy much? You already put a ring on it (theoretically when a Mars sized object smashed into the Earth and formed the moon).

Our little commitment phobic friend trailing in our orbit is called (164207) 2004 GU9 and will be there for another 600 years where it presumably finds a sexier planet to orbit or some prehistoric creatures to annihilate depending how bad the break up was from Earth. Not that I can blame the little guy I mean Earth is always having affairs with floating objects like Starlink satellites, international space stations, and floating Teslas. Though I have it on good authority that it’s not going to end well for the car.

Bad ends happen a lot for celestial objects that get tangled or otherwise ejected from Earth’s gravity well. (Except for the Moon, I see you there, always looking down at us. We have an open relationship! And I’m not ready to double tidal lock yet! Just give me 50 billion years and some space). Why am I making all this relationship analogies? That’s because I want to name (164207) 2004 GU9, Enkidu. That’s right the little guy flirting with Earth’s orbit should be named Enkidu.

Why? That’s because Enkidu is an important character in the ultimate bronze age bromance! Picture this: a hot guy with chiseled jawline and defined abs, dressed in all the finest fabrics with bling that would make Mr. T jealous. The sun’s rays halo his finely sculpted body because he’s the shit, and he knows it. Now move slightly to the left, look past those raging biceps, maybe squint a little. That’s Enkidu, a guy in burlap or whatever the lower class wore back then. He has a beard, unkempt, smells like stale cigarettes or whatever they smoked back then. He still has good abs though. When Hollywood makes his movie even the grocery store clerks will look like they spend at least six hours a day in a gym.

Despite Enkidu’s pungent smell, Gilgamesh (played by Idris Elba or John Krasinski or something) and Enkidu (played by Jack Black because Jack Black always plays that role) are best friends. And in case you’re wondering how anyone can be friends with someone whose odor is legendary, everyone smelled back then. It was before the invention of Axe Body Spray. Also, time travelers, bring your nose plugs, seriously. The point is that Gilgamesh, like Earth, is the hot momma that everyone wants to be with (you’re staring moon, don’t you ever blink?), and Enkidu, like (164207) 2004 GU9 is well… I mean the poor little rock wasn’t even given a name.

To be fair I’m sure Gilgamesh probably had so many concubines and dude bros hanging around that a numerical system would have made his life easier.

The bull god Humbaba faces off with Gilgamesh and his entourage.

Gilgamesh: (164206) 2004 GU9 hand me my sword!

Enkidu: I’m 164207.

The bull charges. Gilgamesh grabs it by the horns and wrestles.

Gilgamesh: (between breaths) What?

Enkidu: 07! I’m 07. Not 06.

Gilgamesh: Oh, sorry, get me my sword!

Enkidu: 06 died last week.

The fighting gets more intense.

Gilgamesh: I’m sorry. I meet so many people. It’s hard to remember their names. 07. The sword, please.

Enkidu: I have a name you know.

Humbaba is winning the contest of strength.

Gilgamesh: Just GET ME THE SWORD!

Enkidu: I’m not if you’re going to be rude about it.

Now, a brief word from our sponsor:

In the real story of Gilgamesh, Enkidu is only important because of Gilgamesh. He truly is the Joey to Chandler if the cast of Friends fought bronze age bull gods (I’d watch that spin off). (164207) 2004 GU9 (I’m going to just call the rock 07 from now on for the sake of those experiencing this through text-to-speech readers), is that dim but loveable companion to Earth. There’s a rock out in space, and there’s a lot of them, judging by the people who discovered them got so sick of naming them they just started giving them serial numbers. And 07 is only getting a name because its proximity to Earth, just like Enkidu only ever appears in the story because of his proximity to Gilgamesh.

On top of that Enkidu goes to Uruk (Gilgamesh’s digs that puts even the most decadent 90’s rap videos to shame) and challenges the G-man to a contest of strength, which he loses, miserably. I mean picture Jack Black arm wrestling Idris Elba. 07 is currently engaged in a contest of strength with the Earth, for when celestial objects share an orbit, their gravity is affecting each other (equal, opposite reactions, (jeez Moon stop staring, it’s not all about you! I gave you the tides!)).

07 is like Earth’s Enkidu. Seeking glory by being in the orbital planet of the most popular planet in the solar system, attempting to muscle its way into the orbit with its own gravity, and always playing second fiddle to a planet that’s had more satellites than it should probably mention on a first date (Starlink, naw baby, it’s a fling. You know its you and me forever GPS. Just ignore the moon, I’ve already said I’m not ready to double tidal lock yet).

Earth has a scrappy, wildly orbiting bestie, and I think it should be named Enkidu. If you agree with me, head over to Radiolab and cast your vote.

Before I get angry comments about Gilgamesh not being a comedy (I’m looking at you, Akkadian literature historian of bronze age Mesopotamia cultures. Because I’m a random idiot that’s read a translated version of Gilgamesh once or twice, so I obviously know more than a person studying it their whole life and can read it in the original language), do we really know what made Sumerians laugh? Enkidu could have been the Jack Black of his day and had them rolling in the streets.

Seriously now, go vote. It’s your civic duty.

If this made you laugh, share it with a friend. If you want to support the work that I do and get more laughs, consider supporting any of the books in this post.

Making bills and earnin’ like a baller with l33tskillz4va’s crypto fast cash is not what happens in this book!

But there are killer trees and bloody arena battles. What more could you want? Except sex. That happens too.

It also resolves plot points like certain characters stuck in a painting and what’s Petra’s mom doin’ at that volcano, yo!

I mean I guess there’s stuff like personal character growth and human connection and all that warm, squishy stuff.

But did I mention sex that happens in this book, and magic, swords, battle axes, battles, and plenty limbs being chopped off?

Oh yeah, it’s all in the third Misfits of Carnt!