“Be happy with those who are happy, and cry with those who are crying..” (Romans 12:18)

I’ve shared a bit about game theory and the research of John Gottman because I think it is insightful and helpful research into the ways we individuals act as part of larger social systems. One of the key insights into Gottman’s research on couples is about co-regulation.

We can see co-regulation illustrated by a study of sixteen married women who were put into an fMRI machine while electric shocks were applied to their feet. Researchers knew that holding someone’s hand could reduce the pain and fear of the electric shock, so they created these experimental conditions: holding an anonymous person’s hand, their husbands hand, or no hand at all. The women had also filled out assessments of their marital happiness.

When the women held the hand of a partner with whom they had a good relationship, the electric shocks created less pain and fear responses in their brains. The touch of a loved one helped them regulate their own response to the stimulus. But if they had a negative relationship with their spouse, holding their hand provided less comfort than the hand of a stranger!

At a physiological level, good relationships help us co-regulate our negative emotions and experiences.

Gottman’s training for couples involves helping them simultaneously manage their own and their partner’s emotions. This skill doesn’t just apply to couples, but to parents and children, co-workers, neighbors, and even strangers. We humans have a unique ability to be able to spread peace and self-awareness.

I’ve been speaking about becoming consciousness as a way to create more awareness in ourselves of our own experience, more room for self-determination, more capacity for trust and forgiveness. But becoming conscious of the working of our own minds also helps our relationships become more life-giving and supportive.

Prayer: Source of Life and Relationship, thank you for the people in our lives. Help us to bring out the best in each other. Amen.