In celebration of Office Maxi, here are 10 ways corporations can increase their productivity.

Gone are the days of mugs and watches convincing people that their soulless, thankless, job is worth 40 hours of their max effort. It’s time to think of new strategies to motivate the workforce for nextgen employees.

If regular carpet cleaning bills aren’t in the budget, the company can always use the tried and true method of employee motivation, making the job not suck. Why rely on pizza parties and employee of the month plaques when Squid Gamified Metrics can really bring some fire to the workplace (both figuratively and literally)? Creepy figures in pink jumpsuits with microphone heads and revolvers could stand at the end of every cubicle row. Nothing will motivate those workers like playing the iconic tension building music from the series after announcing the lowest performer will be eliminated.If dystopian visions of employee performance management don’t fit the business model or illegal in the country of operations, then down on their luck celebrities can be used as motivational factors. Instead of telling an employee they did a good job, P Diddy can say, “P Diddy says you did a good job.” It’s a win for everyone, P Diddy needs the work, and employees will like the pat on the back.If exploiting celebrities with dubious history isn’t the style of the company, then Pokémon could be used as a motivational tool. Not the cards or the digital versions, real Pokémon, just get fire insurance when Charizard blows up half the factory floor.If Piccachu seems a little too high maintenance for you or the budget can’t handle the PETA raids for animal rights violations for all the pokécritters locked in cages in a dingy basement, the real way to put a zap in your workforce is literally zapping, with shock collars, cattle prods, or something. I mean humans do it with animals all the time, must be perfectly okay for people.When the FBI raids the business for human rights violations, it may be time to go back to those traditional performance encouragement tools like gift cards… for lingerie stores because coffee is so boring and maybe and Adult Video or two.Since sexual harassment isn’t in style anymore then maybe hire long winded managers to tell irrelevant stories about how lazy all the employees are. “When I was your age, college only cost $600, and I paid for it working part time at McDonald’s and a used car was only $200 and rent was only $15. Unlike your lazy ass who works three jobs to afford the $2000 in rent paying off that $100,000 in student loan debt and takes public transportation with the rest of the bums who can’t afford a $40,000 piece of shit on wheels held together by tape and faith.”If the collapse of the American Dream is not the message the company is going for then maybe illicit substances will motivate like POTlucks or LSD Parties. Nothing says performance like employees licking the walls or jumping from the 10th story window because they imagined a real dragon.If wrongful death lawsuits don’t fill those company sails, then reward employees with Imagine Dragon poetry writing competitions where 95% of the poems must be composed entirely of Imagine Dragon song titles or lyrics. Here’s last year’s grand prize: Eyes closed: imagine a dragon with natural radioactive bones. Thunder demons follow you in your corner. On top of the world gods don’t pray. Whatever it takes enemy believer. I bet my life walking the wire, children of the sky next to me. Wrecked warriors. I’m so sorry. Wake up.If band references that will be completely lost on younger generations aren’t doing it, then hire the serial killer from SAW to design “productivity rooms” that are macabre escape rooms where sawing limbs off seem like a better option of the tedium of yet another spreadsheet.

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Maxi’s first week in a groundbreaking gamified workplace is disrupted by a snarling, drooling printer with large, pointy teeth and a murderous disposition.

After nearly becoming the red toner liquid refill during a killer inkjet’s afternoon snack, Maxi decides to investigate the mysterious company that’s more associated with slimes, zombies, and dragons than office work.

Luckily, she is equipped with an interface that is similar to her favorite RPG-style video games. For once, being a gamer will be good for more than just getting a couple bucks during her live streams.

Maxi normally enjoys LitRPG Urban Fantasy adventures, just not the dying part. Hopefully she can max her levels before the end is nigh and the beasties devour humanity.

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