It seems that I’m missing out on an opportunity of creating my own buzzword system of self-improvement that will open the doors of corporate gigs where I can give motivational speeches that encourage a simplistic system that will leave the audience feeling good but giving them no actionable advice to improve their own life.

I can give them this visionary new system that would completely change their lives if they were independently wealthy and didn’t need to work three jobs to make sure they had the calories to survive each month. All I need is to string five or so words together and add a word like rule or system or mantra to the end that makes it seem like a person just does this one simple thing their lives will change.

If I just ignore the fact that mental health is sometimes hardwired or needs a holistic approach to account for environmental and other factors, I can promise that my system will change their life if they just do my 5 second Blinking Essentialism System. Their entire life will change for the better so long as they are born into wealth, have no significant mental health barriers that require clinical treatment, have a loving and supportive family, don’t have a criminal background, are perfectly fit and well-adjusted but sometimes think to themselves while they are on their third hour on the treadmill that maybe something can be better in their already perfect life to any outsider.

It’s perfectly clear that just about anyone can adopt my system for improving productivity, time management, super ultra libido, ripped totally badass muscles, and twenty-foot erections they can pop on command because they adopted my system but also works with women too because it makes their hair shinier. It’s time to give the simple buzzy sentence concept that will change your life.

THE 5 SECOND BLINKING ESSENTIALISM SYSTEM.

The concept is simple. Every 5 seconds we blink our bad habits away and focus on what’s essential. Let’s say you drink so much alcohol that you regularly wake up in gutters spooning a guy who smells like a bathroom named Ed (we are not sure how you and Ed end up in the gutter each time, but he is never there when you blackout, and it’s completely platonic) and the next time you look a bottle of beer or hooch you brewed yourself that made your cousin go blind, just blink. Then open your eyes on a glass of water or cranberry juice. Nevermind that if you stopped drinking your body will go into shock and need serious medical treatment and compassion from your estranged family, blinking is a powerful way to change your life in 5 seconds.*

*These statements have not been evaluated by any medical professional nor mental health professional, even the author’s neighbor wouldn’t even read the book as they lost interest when making light of a serious condition.

Pretty much anything that is hindering you achieving your full potential can be blinked out of existence. Let’s pretend you are working three jobs with $200,000 of student loan debt, $500,000 in medical bills, and can only afford an apartment that rats consider substandard living conditions, just blink all the problems away. Student loan bills? Blink! Poof gone! Medical debt! Blink Poof! Gone! Landlord with a tire iron at your door looking for three months back rent? Blink! Poof! Gone! Just use your daddy’s fortune to pay off all that debt and grumble about how poor people are lazy because they can’t afford most rental units without living in a closet with three generations of their family.

Don’t worry about them, they have golden tickets and other fables to give them hope of moving out of the closet one day. You need to focus on you and blinking as many times as possible to make sure nothing will hinder your ability for that busy schedule of yoga, hot yoga, Pilates, Tai Chi, vocal lessons, weightlifting coach, self-defense class, philosophy book club, romance book club, jacked commando book club, and hair appointment and that’s just Tuesday’s itinerary. So cut out the irrelevant stuff in your life that you dread going to but do it out of commitment to a friend from high school that you never really liked, but agreed to go with them to a finger painting yoga Pilates knitting class because you went into a yarn store for the first time in your life and couldn’t really say no to them.

The next time you feel social pressure to do something you don’t want to just start blinking. The person you are trying to avoid will think you’re having a seizure and will probably leave you alone because cable taught us to leave people with serious medical conditions alone because they are baiting us for roving bands of migrants with switchblades, or was that the plot of a Police Academy movie?  

The point is that blinking when you run into trouble really does work and if it doesn’t, it’s your fault for not following the system. When you are investigated for tax evasion or are diagnosed with a life-threatening illness blinking the problem away really does work as ignoring major problems in your life is almost always the best response for those who are interested on ending it early. Who doesn’t want to be first across the finish line?

The next time you have marital problems, fights with your significant other, family issues, or trouble with something in your life, just start blinking. They’ll probably think you have something in your eye and drop the argument.

And remember to repeat this mantra every day, “If this self-help book doesn’t change my life, then I’m doing it wrong!” Never mind that simplistic solutions to the complicated process of being a human being almost never account for every situation a person can find themselves in, the obvious problem is you!

But don’t worry, I have a master course for $5000 that will get to the bottom of what’s wrong with you. It’s discounted to $3000 because I believe you have potential. Especially because I know that if you shell out $3000 you’ll completely ignore that I cobbled together a self-help system from bestselling book titles on Amazon, and use predatory tactics abusive lovers use to shift all the blame to their victims while giving them a slim glimmer of hope that if they just do it right, their life will change forever.

Or you can blink and that social media ad promising to change your life will not be there on the next refresh.

Thought this was funny? Share it with a friend or support me with purchase of Office Maxi. It won’t change your life! Guaranteed!

Maxi’s first week in a groundbreaking gamified workplace is disrupted by a snarling, drooling printer with large, pointy teeth and a murderous disposition.

After nearly becoming the red toner liquid refill during a killer inkjet’s afternoon snack, Maxi decides to investigate the mysterious company that’s more associated with slimes, zombies, and dragons than office work.

Luckily, she is equipped with an interface that is similar to her favorite RPG-style video games. For once, being a gamer will be good for more than just getting a couple bucks during her live streams.

Maxi normally enjoys LitRPG Urban Fantasy adventures, just not the dying part. Hopefully she can max her levels before the end is nigh and the beasties devour humanity.

Read Office Maxi today!