What Men Almost Always Misunderstand About the Mental Load
I get the same messages from men over and over again about what I share about the mental load, and it usually goes something like this:
“I think I’m doing all that I can to help. I do the dishes, I fold the laundry, but she’s still overwhelmed. I don’t know what I’m getting wrong.”
I believe these are well-intentioned partners. They’re really trying to take this seriously and do the right thing. But there’s a missing piece—one that often leads to massive breakdowns in communication about the mental load.
And it’s the piece that men almost always misunderstand.
Yes, dishes, laundry, mowing the lawn, and picking up groceries are all part of the mental load. And yes, they’re repetitive, draining, and never-ending. But for most women, these tasks aren’t the thing that’s completely overwhelming.
What’s exhausting—what makes it feel impossible to ever turn off—is emotional labor.
Emotional Labor Is the Invisible Weight That Never LiftsEmotional labor is the constant, behind-the-scenes work of anticipating needs, weighing decisions, and thinking through cause-and-effect scenarios to maximize positive outcomes for the family.
It’s:
Making sure your child is socially included without hovering too much.Thinking through whether missing one nap is worth the meltdown later.Weighing the long-term effects of discipline decisions.Keeping track of what’s going on with each family member emotionally, so you can support them before things fall apart.The stakes feel so high with emotional labor, and that’s what makes it different from folding laundry.
Emotional Labor Is Hard to OutsourceHere’s the tricky part—emotional labor isn’t something you can simply hand off.
Why? Because it requires deep knowledge of your family. Unless both partners carry that same awareness, one person ends up defaulting to doing the bulk of it.
You can pay someone to clean your house. You can ask your partner to pick up groceries. But you can’t outsource noticing that your kid is feeling left out at school and figuring out how to support them emotionally.
And that’s why emotional labor follows women everywhere—even when they’re at work, even when they’re supposed to be relaxing, even when their partner is “helping.”
So, What Can You Do?If you’re a man reading this and thinking, Wow, I hadn’t really considered that, you’re not alone. Many men who genuinely want to support their partners don’t realize that the real exhaustion comes from this emotional load.
The solution? Start by seeing it. Ask about it. Talk about it. Get curious. Don’t just offer to help—share the responsibility of noticing, anticipating, and planning. That’s the real shift.
And if this resonates, I dive much deeper into these dynamics in my book,
Better Share: How Couples Can Tackle the Mental Load for More Fun, Less Resentment, and Great Sex. It’s all about understanding, communicating, and actually finding fairness around the mental load in a way that feels sustainable and good to both partners
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