Dear colleagues,

It has come to my attention that the coffee machine in the Q Branch kitchen has once again broken down. It beggars belief that a division renowned for its prowess at invention cannot persuade such a simple device to a) remain operational for longer than five minutes and b) dispense a cup of coffee that does not taste of boiled socks. Following my last run-in with the machine’s maintenance personnel, I am no longer permitted to negotiate this situation on our behalf. (Apparently, I have offended their delicate sensibilities.) Moneypenny has taken the matter in hand and, I am assured, will rectify the situation forthwith.

The coffee machine situation reminds me of recent setbacks on our solo-submersible project. As some of you may remember, the idea for this project originated with our field agents (specifically, one agent). At the time, objections were raised (by myself) as to the viability of the project, with some (again, yours truly) comparing it to The Great Panjandrum, a sort of armed, rocket-powered giant Catherine wheel, designed by British engineers during WW2, an invention so inept that it was never actually deployed. The Great Panjandrum, during its initial test, managed to not only utterly fail in its primary objective – rolling along a beach in a straight line – but misfired rockets in all directions, almost taking out several ranks of senior military brass, before crashing and fragmenting into bits in a series of violent explosions.

In spite of this, Q Branch’s objections to the proposed submersible programme were overruled. As M reminded us at the time, it is our duty, as the research and development arm of the British Secret Service, to provide for the needs of our agents. And if 007 says he needs a personal sub armed with a laser-guided warhead, then who are we to argue? (It should be noted that previous attempts at such armed mini-subs have largely been the domain of drug cartels. These so-called ‘narco-subs’, invariably constructed in potting sheds located deep in the South American jungle, are notoriously badly engineered, little more than tin death-traps for their hapless pilots, where paper bags serve as latrines and the primary propulsion device is no more sophisticated than a mouse-wheel.)  

To be clear, I am not against the idea of submarines, and we shall plough ahead with fortitude, as ever. But the practical limitations of this particular design should not be underestimated. One can only think of the challenges faced by our predecessors. For instance, Dutch inventor Cornelis Drebbel, credited with the first propulsive submarine – a leather-covered and iron-reinforced rowboat oared by twelve men – built in 1620 under the auspices of King James I – he of Bible fame. This device – imaginatively christened Drebbel I – managed to submerge to a whopping depth of fifteen feet in the Thames. The British navy declined to utilise it. 

Finally, congratulations to Matt G. for correctly ascertaining the answer to the puzzle in my previous memo, and for being fortunate enough to be picked at random from all the correct entries. The answer, of course, was Mata Hari. Below you will find this edition’s puzzle. Good luck!  

Sincerely,

Major Boothroyd

Head of Q Branch

P.S. Here is this edition’s puzzle. One ‘winner’ shall be picked at random from all correct entries and will be mentioned in my following memo. MI6 Archives shall rustle up a book to send to you* Pot luck, I’m afraid! Fill in this form to enter . . . This month’s puzzle is as follows: To what am I referring below?

A vessel now part of ocean lore.

Captained by a fabled submariner of yore.

An adventure tale to set imaginations aflame.

Marine Argonauts now share this name.

*UK entrants only, alas!

NOTE FROM VASEEM KHAN

This ‘memorandum’ is one of a series of 12 that we will be publishing, celebrating the launch of QUANTUM OF MENACE, the first mystery featuring Major Boothroyd, Head of Q Branch (a.k.a Q) from the James Bond universe. Pre-orders are very important to a new series, so we would be immensely grateful if you considered pre-ordering the novel. Buy from bookshops big and small and online.  Click here for some options.

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