You may remember I had a scan a few weeks ago. I thought it was fine. It wasn’t fine enough.

There are a few things that need to be monitored…as in, let’s scan you again in 3 months, as opposed to 6 or 8.

It took me by surprise. I had seen these few things and had decided I was cancer clear. I still may be cancer clear. I will know better – clearer – in 3 months.

I’m once again sitting with being okay and being okay not being okay.

There is a voice inside me that doesn’t feel like mine that has told me a few times that I’m okay. I’m heeding it.

I know I do not want cancer again, still, more. I don’t want cancer, and I don’t want chemo, and I don’t want any of it.

I’m doing my best to “not trouble trouble til trouble troubles me” and to delight in my yellow birds and my website that’s launching and the keynoting I’ll be doing and the love and hope I get to share. I know damn well how to stay okay and be okay and lean and love into all the good around and within me, even as the waves rock me.

I also now know how okay it is to not be okay. To let myself have the moments – or days, or weeks – of cursing this. Of hating it. Of not wanting to have to keep my balance with this right in front of me as well as in my rear-view mirror (which, by the way, is also right in front of me). Of wishing it wasn’t 3 months until I know whatever it is I’m going to know.

I’m holding all of it, once again, as I write this on my glorious side porch on my “chemo couch.”

I am okay.

I’m not okay.

Both of those are quite okay.

I’d love to hear your thoughts, and please share this post with others if it resonates with you. Let’s start a movement of loving ourselves First Most Always!

Photo by
Ian Taylor on unsplash

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