I belong to a Writers’ Group that meets twice a month. I don’t always get to go because my schedule is nuts, but they’re really nice people so whenever I can, I attend. It’s always fun—everyone gets to share what they’re working on, and do a little reading out loud if they like, which is good for getting feedback. This past week, I showed up, and there weren’t that many people sitting around the table (the group meets at a library that has cozy seating AND a fireplace so if that isn’t reason enough to attend, I don’t know what is—the only thing better would be cocktails). We did a little attendance check, i.e. So-and-so can’t be here because she’s on vacation; Bob isn’t here because he had an appointment, and whatnot. Then someone said, “Oh, Mary’s not here because her Irish uncle is visiting.” And I was like, “That’s a new one—what’s it a euphemism for?” because all I could think of was those other sayings/excuses about visits, such as ‘I can’t come because my Aunt Flo is visiting’, or ‘I need to visit the little girl’s room’, and it occurred to me that maybe ‘a visit from your Irish uncle’ meant you’re drunk or hungover or something. AND I’M SORRY, because I KNOW that’s a terrible negative stereotype and that overall, I’m sure Irish people don’t drink anymore than the rest of us. But still… At any rate, the person who said it responded, “No, her uncle from Ireland is at her house right now,” and that clarified it a little bit, although it could STILL be a euphemism, and all I could think of was Mary, prone on her sofa, waving a glass of wine merrily and yelling “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya!”

And speaking of things you WISH were euphemisms, on Saturday, I was in a store looking for body lotion that DIDN’T contain coconut or aloe vera because I’m allergic to both. A sales woman was helping me scan the shelves. She pulled out a pump bottle that said, “Rice Lotion.”

Saleswoman: I think this one would be okay. It’s made in Korea, and the base is rice.
Me: (checks ingredients) It looks like it would work.
Saleswoman: Here’s another from the same company. It says ‘Snail Lotion’.
Me: What’s in it? (checks ingredients). It says…snail mucus.
Saleswoman:
Me:
Saleswoman: Um…
Me: Pass. I’ll stick with the rice.

Because I’d need several visits from my Irish uncle before I EVER slathered snail mucus all over my body.

Speaking of my body, I got a new tattoo to commemorate the publication of Dark Nocturnes. One of my favourite stories is Landscape With The Fall Of Icarus. I’m so lucky because I have an amazing tattoo guy who did this for me, and I love it: