I have a weird relationship with rest.

The pressures of guilt, anxiety, and the after-effects of busyness hum in the background like a constantly-running machine. Even on my days off, I often find myself sitting on the couch, unable to focus on the Restful Activity I’ve chosen, watching the clock like I’m still at work, and wondering if I’m resting productively enough. Somehow we’ve managed to turn rest into another obligation, another checklist item, and one we even try to multitask!

Trying to observe the Sabbath has further complicated how I feel about rest. Resting on the Sabbath is one of the Ten Commandments. So having been commanded to rest, we’ve got two choices: enjoy the break and understand it’s for our wellbeing and connection with God, or turn it into a chore. No points for guessing which one is easier to do, especially if you’re an anxious person.

Speaking of being anxious, if you have a mental illness that puts all your other worries on steroids, well, you’ve hit the trifecta of being bad at resting. (Join the club.)

You’re probably tired of hearing me talk about what it was like to have my day job absorb all of my strength and energy and what it did to my creativity. But my journey since then has taught me a lot about rest and the needs of a healthy creative mind.

Through trial, error, and a lot of stillness, I’ve compiled a list of some of the main factors that prevent me from resting, as well as the strategies that help me defeat them.

But first…

What qualifies as “rest”?

My perception of rest used to be anything that would force me to sit still, like what you’d be allowed to do if you were on bed rest: watching TV, reading, playing video games, or napping.

But if you’ve ever found yourself restless and cranky after a day of doing those things, still feeling unfulfilled and resentful of the upcoming work week, you’ve probably asked yourself if rest is supposed to be something more.

In his book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi suggests that particularly as adults, we’ve begun to organize our lives into two categories, working and lounging. Lounging involves sleep and mindless media consumption. But we seem to have forgotten how to participate in the third category, one at which we used to excel as children: play. Play is something we do for its own sake. Something that evokes wonder, curiosity, and fun. And it sounds like play may be what our resting lives are missing.

This take on rest may actually be biblical as well. My entire world was rocked when I heard my pastor point out that the translation of the word “Sabbath” is “stop and delight.”

Stop and delight. There is no guilt in that concept. There is true restoration and joy. It’s an invitation that opens up many more possibilities than trying to just sit still and be holy. (If you know, you know.)

But it’s not always easy to do. So without further ado, here are the top obstacles to good rest in my life and what has helped me combat them.

1. Decision fatigue

I used to consider myself a control freak. It runs in my family. We each like things a certain way and can get irritated or distressed by small changes.

But while it’s true that I’m particular about certain things (needing to be left alone at the beginning and end of a day to let my own thoughts settle, for example) I’m finding that I’m not a true control freak. It’s not that I need everything to be perfect; it’s that a decision has to be made, and it often has to be made by me.

I’m also a highly conscientious person who wants to make the “right” decision, even in situations that might not have a “right” answer. Sometimes I just wish I didn’t think so damn much. I look at the people who seem to float through life, making enormous life decisions semi-spontaneously, and I envy them.
Some of this is my personality, but I’ve improved with practice. When I get overwhelmed by decision fatigue, I like to go for a long, meandering walk. I set no destination, no objective, and no real time constraints. I simply choose a park or neighborhood, or a coffee shop or museum I’ve never explored, and allow myself to wander.

Then I focus on allowing myself to notice things and stop if I feel like it. Whenever I’d usually push past something that piqued my curiosity because I’m too busy or I don’t know if the entire group I’m with would find it interesting, I stop and look. Path I’ve never explored? Pretty flowers? Little Free Library? Interesting display on a niche subject? Time to check it out.

It also helps, ironically, to attach myself to a true control freak friend and let them choose everything for the day. Activity? Your pick. Restaurant? I can find something on any menu. Something new caught your eye? I’m along for the ride. I can get lost in my own thoughts or conversation with my friend, and it’s a nice break from always being in charge.

2. Guilt resulting from an addiction to “being productive”

Sometimes I get so hung up on whether I’ve been “productive enough” for the day that I engage in behaviors I’ve nicknamed “pseudo-productivity.” This includes trying to do more than one activity at once (even fun ones), keeping my laptop open next to me “just in case,” or comparing myself to other people who seem more productive than me.

Even during my downtime, I often feel like I “should” be doing more than one thing at once. I have to ask myself whether I actually want to do that and whether any activity I do would be more enriched if I gave it my full attention. This is also a matter of preference; some people enjoy doing six things at once, but to me it feels overwhelming. So I have to pay attention to my own feelings and accept that we’re different and that’s okay.

Ironically, feelings of guilt often lead me to waste time consuming mindless media, either to shut out my guilt and worries or because I feel guilty for sitting still and doing nothing! There are days when scrolling Facebook and watching cat videos feels fantastic, and there are days when it feels like I’m wasting my life and I feel progressively worse the longer I do it. I’ve had to practice asking myself whether I’m actually enjoying it or if I’m simply trying to drown out the noise. I’ve also found that there is great power in admitting to myself when I’m no longer having fun and just afraid of what to do next. It helps me break the spell, close the app, and stop wasting time doing something I don’t even find satisfying.

Under the influence of productivity guilt, it can be hard to even discern what you really want. I’ve found success in imagining that all my plans have been canceled, the chores are done for the day, and no one has any expectations of me. What do I want to do then?

Often I surprise myself. I just want to sip my coffee and stare at the trees. I want to go for a walk and not listen to music the whole time. I want to gaze out the window and let my mind wander. I want to go somewhere new without planning it to death.

Doing these things has been a game-changer. Ironically, nothing has been more productive for my creativity than allowing my mind to be still and fertile and seeing what ideas come bubbling up. I find myself making lots of lists on my phone so that I don’t lose any of these ideas and so that I don’t have to frantically do them all as soon as they occur to me.

3. Too much input, not enough output

Does your mind ever feel like a room full of people that’s so crowded you can’t distinguish individual voices? Between work and home responsibilities, an endless news cycle, and constant social media and ads, I often feel like I’m drowning in input, even if it’s input I chose! Every headline I read, every video I watch, I feel more and more mentally congested. On top of that, my feelings in reaction to everything I’ve seen and heard start to build up, leaving me anxious and irritable.

We’re inundated more than any previous generation because of the constant access we have to all kinds of information. We don’t have to wait for the daily paper or tonight’s newscast; we just open our phone. That means we have to make a conscious choice to step away to process that information and develop our own thoughts.

Sometimes, the simple act of admitting to myself how I’m feeling about everything I’ve taken in over the course of a day (mentally, in writing, or even out loud) can offer relief from the pressure that has built up. Sharing those feelings with a trusted friend can be helpful, too, but sometimes I need to reflect on my own.

If I’ve been accepting input for a long time, it can take a while to unpack everything, making it difficult to sit still, pray, meditate, or sleep, let alone create or enjoy anything else. When that happens, I often find myself getting frustrated or even giving up trying to write for the day, then getting upset that I wasted the free time I had.

What I’ve found works better is to sit still and let whatever thoughts I have bubble up to the surface, then write them down and set them aside. If it’s a task that needs to be done, I put it on my to-do list for the next day. If it’s a worry, I describe it in detail and see if it has any merit. If it’s about an issue that was raised or an opinion that was expressed to me, I take some time to examine my feelings and determine my own opinion. After a while, the thoughts start to slow down, the bubbles start to clear, and I’m able to be truly still and at peace.

Want to hear some great news? The more often you consciously choose to slow down and allow your thoughts to catch up with you, the less intimidating they are each time. It’s like maintaining your cleaning on a schedule instead of waiting for chores to pile up till it’ll take you a week to get through.

4. Anxiety, whether clinical or over future events

Sometimes we try not to allow our thoughts to catch up with us because we know our greatest fears are hiding among them. “What will I do if…?” “How am I going to fix…?” “Am I doing enough for…?” This is another time that writing down what I’m worried about in as much detail as I can manage helps me to set it aside for the present. I also pray over it and hand it off to the One who is big enough to carry it.

Not everyone who has these thoughts has an anxiety disorder. But if you do, please do seek treatment, whether through therapy, medication, or whatever combination your doctor prescribes. I still get occasional thought tornadoes, which is what I call any cycle of worry that makes you feel trapped and unable to put it out of your mind, but my medication has done wonders for me.

5. Hyperconsciousness of being needed or observed

I grew up exceptionally conscious of my own moods and those of my family members. My mom always noticed how I was feeling and wanted to fix any negative emotions, while my dad could go from happy to angry frighteningly rapidly and seemed to take any negative mood of mine as a personal insult. In my teens, it felt like they resented time I spent alone. So I developed a poker face for my feelings and a sensitivity to the moods around me, and whenever I was in the house with my family, I felt like I was in what I call “pending mode,” where I shouldn’t start an activity I’d be too deeply invested in, because they might want my attention and be unhappy to find me otherwise occupied.

Living alone for six years did wonders in helping me recognize those tendencies and learn to relax. Any chance I get to be totally alone, whether I’m on a walk or have the house to myself, is deeply restful because I can “rest my face” and not be hyper-aware of everyone’s emotions or how I’m being perceived.

You have to steal time to be alone. It’s the only way, and it’s necessary for your health. An hour alone can increase the quality of the time you spend with the people you love a hundredfold.

Do it for you!

Don’t buy the lie that there are certain people who don’t need rest, or that needing rest is weak. We as humans need time to be still and simply enjoy life. Even if you’ve struggled to do this in the past, you can get better with practice, which is what I’ve been working on.

I hope these strategies help you as much as they’ve helped me. I wish you a clear mind and a peaceful heart, no matter what you’re facing.