I’ve often wondered about counterfeit relationships and how and why they affect our lives. The enemy always tries to come up with counterfeits for everything. Several times it comes as a counterfeit way to find comfort. When you look at the life of Job, he had three friends who dissented and argued against him trying to prove him to be unholy. Were these friends counterfeits? Only the Lord knows that, but the three friends Eliphaz, Bildad and Zophar did come to comfort and be there for him when the suffering took place. They sat with him in silence before the discord started. Why would a good God allow such relationships in those biblical stories and our lives? I’ve had two counterfeit relationships in the last few years. One romantically and one personal. Both had characteristics of using me (and vice versa) and being used by the enemy to either deter my life or influence it in a way which wasn’t good for either party. Why do we let them stay?

Raising our value

Sometimes it’s because we don’t see the value placed in us by God. If we truly believed we were created to be valuable and bring value to the world, we wouldn’t tolerate those who bring us down. We would see their tactics a little differently. My therapist had a great question. What do you want out of these relationships? Forget about them and their needs for two seconds. What do you want? I was thrown because it’s such a simple question with profound answers. I hadn’t given my needs and wants any thought because I’m always putting others first. It happened in the romantic relationship where he used me as his emotional support tool and it happened in the friendship where they needed help, so I helped them without expecting anything back. You have to put on your oxygen mask first in an emergency landing. It’s not being narcissistic to take care of your needs and make sure the right enforceable boundaries are in place.

Don’t have a spirit of offense

Here’s the hard part – don’t let a spirit of offense land in your life when people treat you that way. So many people, including myself, are offended. We get hurt when people use us and we allow it. We also get hurt in other relational ways, but it’s our goal as believers not to let that spirit land in our life and forgive. I went through a huge forgiveness journey in 2024 towards my ex-husband learning how to let the grieving wife go, and to forgive him for using me in different ways. I also learned how to pray blessings over him and to show him love in every interaction. It’s really helped our co-parenting. The Lord didn’t want me staying stuck in the yuck of unforgiveness.

Please hear me. I’m far from perfect but I’m learning that I don’t have to allow others to use me in order to get my needs met. God wants to meet my needs in crazy ways without it causing me pain. He has sent words through people to encourage and help keep me safe. I haven’t always listened. But God wants me to crawl up in his lap and stay safely in his arms.

Listen to the Holy Spirit yourself

You don’t need someone else’s Holy Spirit – you have your own if you have a relationship with the Lord. So, in your quiet time with God, cultivate a relationship. It’s all about relationship anyway. What is the Lord saying through his word, signs and wonders, through others (if led to listen) and through the small whispers in your life? Learning to discern the voice of the Lord is very important. Our world is too noisy. We don’t take the time to sit, be still and be quiet. It’s an intentional practice to quiet yourself, clear out the noise and sit in silence. Listen, hear and obey. What is the Lord telling you directly? Then take those prayers, encouragements, downloads and lean into what the spirit is saying. Those will be the strategies and tactics he wants you to follow to bring value to your life. If we lay in ourselves consecrated before him in a surrendered posture it will bring his glory to the earth. His glory can manifest by living with compassion towards others even when they offend you.

So, live with compassion, turn the other cheek, forgive when hurt, and lean into the spirit. These principles will take you far beyond what you can imagine. Ephesians 3:20.

Questions for reflection: Where are you allowing counterfeits to come into your life?What do you want out of the relationships in your life? There are no wrong answers. Where are you allowing someone else to be your Holy Spirit?What can you learn from Job’s life and the lessons his journey brings?There are godly examples like Jonathan and David who lived out purposeful boundaries while edifying each other for the glory of the Kingdom. Where has God placed those people in your life? What does forgiveness mean to you? How do you live without a spirit of offense?

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