As a therapist and mother, I’ve contemplated what it means to raise children who are not only prepared for the world but also capable of succeeding in it. Not only in whatever they choose as a career, but also in the kind of people they will become. And something I have learned is that teaching our kids to have a strong sense of self is one of the greatest gifts we can give them for life. It will help them in their careers, relationships, and in life in general.

As we grow, we get messages of what is expected of us from societal norms, trends, and peer pressure. Having a clear sense of who we are, meaning we have our own thoughts, values, and ideas apart from what is expected of us, is a superpower. And I am not talking about rebellion here. It’s not just about standing out or being different for the sake of it. Rebellion is just doing the opposite of what is expected of us. Having a strong sense of self allows our values and principles to guide us apart from what is expected of us from society, family, or peer pressure. When we teach our children to have a strong sense of self, it’s about being grounded in who we are so that we can lead our own lives and relationships with clarity and purpose.

When we’re clear about who we are, what we value, and our goals, we get to live the lives we want to live. When we aren’t swayed by the opinions of others or pulled into trends that aren’t good for us, the happier and freer we are.

Having a strong sense of self doesn’t just help us as individuals; it actually strengthens our connections and relationships with others. Knowing where we stand, we can engage in relationships with realness and confidence. We’re not trying to mold ourselves to fit into a box. We can then make our connections more genuine and our lives more fulfilling.

When we lack a sense of self, we’re more likely to let others take over our lives in ways that don’t align with our values. We become easily influenced, overly dependent on external validation, and vulnerable to peer pressure. When we aren’t a strong self, we absorb our environment more and critically evaluate our surroundings less. If this isn’t nurtured in childhood, it’s something many adults end up working on in therapy.

How to Help Your Kids Develop a Strong Sense of Self

I always tell parents that if we want our kids to have a strong sense of self, we have to start with ourselves. In Bowen Family Systems Theory, this is called differentiation of self, the ability to stay connected to others while maintaining your own thoughts, values, and emotions. Kids learn more from what we do than what we say, so working on our own self-awareness, living by our values and boundaries, the more of a self our children will develop.

Below are practical ways to support a strong sense of self in yourself and  children:

Kids are always watching us. If we’re constantly swayed by others’ opinions, overly reactive, or unclear about our own values, they’ll pick up on that. Show them what it looks like to have a clear sense of self by modeling it in your own life.

Don’t jump in with advice or solutions; ask your kids questions that encourage them to think for themselves. For example, if they’re struggling with a decision, try asking, “What do you think would work best?” or “What’s most important to you in this situation?” If you ask questions, rather than giving advice, you start allowing them to develop their own critical thinking skills.

When your child accomplishes something, resist the urge to simply say, “Good job!”Ask questions like, “How do you think you did?” or “What part of that are you most proud of?” This helps them develop their own internal sense of accomplishment rather than relying on external praise. Even though giving praise isn’t bad, it’s useful for them to know and develop an internal sense of accomplishment.

Failure is a natural part of life. It can also be one of our greatest teachers. We don’t like seeing our children suffer, but when we step in to rescue our kids from every mistake, we take away their chance to learn resilience and problem-solving. Let them experience the ups and downs of life, and be there to support them without taking over. That might look like being empathetic towards their failure and then working on encouraging them to try again in a new way.

Boundaries are a way to show that you have a strong sense of self. Model to your kids what healthy boundaries look like by setting your own and respecting theirs. For example, if they need space to process their emotions, allow them alone time. If we don’t respect their boundaries, the message they will receive is that their voice doesn’t matter.

Make it a routine to ask your children what they think about the world around them. Whether it’s a book they read, a trend, or a situation at school, encourage them to critically evaluate what they’re hearing and form their own opinions.

Why This Matters

When kids develop a strong sense of self, they’re better equipped to get through the challenges of life. They’re less likely to be peer-pressured into harmful behaviors, more likely to critically evaluate information, and less likely to trust people who don’t have their best interests in mind.

They’ll also be more resilient in life’s hard times because they’ll have a clear sense of who they are and what they stand for. And perhaps most importantly, they’ll be able to form deeper, more authentic connections with others because they’re not trying to be someone they’re not.

Raising kids with a strong sense of self isn’t about making them independent to the point that they don’t need anyone and don’t allow for the influence of others. It’s about helping them become grounded, confident individuals who can engage with the world from a more authentic self.

As parents, we want to protect our kids from any harm or hurt, but we know we can’t do that. However, we can give them the tools to think critically, stand firm in their values, and lead their own lives with purpose. And in doing so, we’re not just raising kids—we’re raising leaders.