Spend 30 seconds right now memorizing the words DARVO stands for: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. DARVO is the abuse pattern emerging from the shadows of rape culture and becoming mainstream behavior. The pattern is not new, but it is now prevalent. (Think Brett Kavanaugh and Dr. Ford before the Senate). It goes like this:

Deny:

The perpetrator of abuse denies or minimizes their harmful behavior, even if evidence exists. They may deny the behavior altogether or create an alternative narrative to explain it away.

Attack:

The perpetrator attacks the person who confronted them, attempts to discredit their claims or motivations. They may personally attack them, question their mental state, or suggest they are seeking attention.

Reverse Victim and Offender:

The perpetrator flips the story. They show themselves to be the victim and the accuser the aggressor. They will likely blame the accuser for provoking them or make them feel guilty for causing trouble.

The key to not becoming a victim of DARVO is to recognize when it is happening and refuse to cave in. These days, we all need to become experts, since it has become pervasive with the ascension of Donald Trump and JD Vance who employ it habitually. Most government communication is laced with DARVO these days (watch Karoline Leavitt). You can see the pattern most clearly whenever the government is accused of wrongdoing. No matter how far-fetched the logic, DARVO will be employed.

Perry and Celeste in Big Little LiesJennifer Freyd coined the phrase DARVO

Psychologist Jennifer Freyd  used DARVO to describe a common pattern “when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of ‘falsely accused’ and attacks the accuser’s credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.”

Dr. Freyd coined the term in the 1990’s. She said the idea grew from watching “the [confirmation] hearings for Clarence Thomas and the response to Anita Hill.”  Hill is the law professor who in 1991 said the Supreme Court nominee sexually harassed her, only to see her own reputation dragged through the mud.

“Clarence Thomas had a leadership role” in the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission,” Freyd said.

“So it seemed to me like if there’s anyone who would have had a different response to the accusation, it was him. He would have said something like, ‘My memory is very different than yours; I’m disturbed to hear this is how you experienced things. I know these are very difficult conversations to have, and I want to understand what leads you to say this.’ But instead he and the other people who enabled him, it was a gang that attacked Anita Hill … and then I was seeing [the behavior] all over.”

Thank God most of us won’t be on TV getting raked over the coals! But you may have been an “accuser” who ended up being accused sometime in your life. For you, maybe DARVO  sounded like this:

“Why are you always trying to make me the bad guy?”
“I never hit you. I just pushed you away when you were being dramatic.”
“You’re so sensitive. It’s like I can’t do anything right around you.”
“You’re making me feel so bad. I don’t even want to talk to you anymore.”
“You’re abusing me, too.”

This kind of abuse chips away at your sense of reality over time. Many victims of it question whether what they experienced was real. And many turn the blame on themselves –which is exactly the goal of the person reversing the offense.

Now it is REALLY all over

Like I said, Trump and his comrades use the tactic reflexively. Some of the examples have become famous. We watch men, for the most part, get away with blame shifting like sexual abusers have been convincing their victims they are to blame for centuries.

Trump employed DARVO when he blamed Ukraine for Russia’s invasion, didn’t he?

Trump said about Zelensky: “You’ve been there for three years. You should have ended it. … You should have never started it. You could have made a deal.”

Most people know Russia’s army crossed the border on Feb. 24, 2022, in an all-out invasion that Putin sought to justify by falsely saying it was needed to protect Russian-speaking civilians in eastern Ukraine and prevent the country from joining NATO.

D —  Russia did not illegally and unjustly invade. A — You should have ended it. You could have made a deal. RVO – Russia is really the victim here. Ukraine is wasting U.S. money,

Trump has famously discredited women who had accused him of sexual assault.

Just before his Presidential debate with Kamala Harris he spoke to reporters about the first verdict E. Jean Carroll won against him for rape. He was in court to hear his lawyers argue for overturning a jury’s $5 million verdict. The former president  repeatedly implied he would not have assaulted two of his accusers (from the past) due to their looks. He said of a woman who has accused him of sexual misconduct on a plane in the 1970s “she would not have been the chosen one.” He said of  Carroll, “I never touched her. I would have had no interest in meeting her in any way, shape or form.”

At the point he said those things, juries had twice awarded Carroll huge sums from Trump for defamation because he claimed she made up a story about him attacking her in a department store dressing room in order to boost sales of her memoir. The judgments did not stop him. Just before the debate, he again said that Carroll was telling a “made up, fabricated story.”

D – “I never touched her. I would have had no interest in meeting her in any way, shape or form.”  A – She’s a liar. Besides, “she would not have been the chosen one.” RVO – She made it up to use my fame to boost her memoir. She wants to take me down. I’m the victim.

J.D. Vance contribute to the confusion people have about what is fake and what could be true.

After the outcry over Trump falsely claiming that Haitians were eating pets in Springfield, Ohio, Dana Bash asked Vance, formerly a Senator from Ohio, “Once and for all, can you affirmatively say that the rumors about Haitians eating dogs and cats have no basis with evidence?”

Vance said, “If I have to create stories so that the American media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people, then that’s what I’m going to do.”

D – He would not respond to the question. It is the American people, not Haitians who are suffering. A – The media, like you Dana Bash, are not doing a good job. RVO – I have to create stories. The media does not respond to what I say. I’m the victim.

DARVO appears in quite a few scripts, too

In Big Little Lies every time Celeste calls out Perry’s violence, he flips it. First, he denies hurting her. Then, he accuses her of provoking him. Finally, he becomes the one who’s suffering – “I’m only like this because I love you so much.” It’s textbook DARVO.

In You,  Joe consistently manipulates women into believing he’s just a misunderstood romantic, even as his behavior becomes controlling and violent. He denies, attacks, reframes, over and over again.

You may have experienced some DARVO in your own house (or applied it). For instance, when a partner cheats, gets caught, and they might say, “You’ve been so cold lately, what did you expect?” Or when you confront a friend about a boundary they’ve crossed, they might respond with, “Wow, I guess I’m just a terrible person then.” Suddenly, you’re the one doing damage control, even though they hurt you.

DARVO can be defanged.

If you’ve experienced DARVO, you know how disorienting it is. Why? Because it’s not just a lie—it’s a reversal of truth. It puts you on the defensive. You begin questioning your memory, your motives, even your sanity. I was DARVOed in a big way a few years back and I felt that way myself; I am more aware now.

DARVO often overlaps with gaslighting, intensifying the psychological damage. Both aim to erase your reality. But DARVO goes further: it tries to make you feel morally wrong for even speaking up.

That’s why so many women in emotionally destructive relationships stay silent. They know what happened, but they can’t explain it in a way others will understand—especially when the abuser is charming, respected, or skilled at playing the victim (or might be a sociopath).

Numerous clients have validated that, over time, experiencing DARVO repeatedly leads to:

Self-doubt: “Maybe I am too sensitive.”Isolation: “No one will believe me.”Shame: “Why can’t I just let it go?”Despair: “I’ll never be safe or heard.”

These effects are real. DARVO not only blocks accountability — it compounds the trauma of the original harm. It damages your trust in your own perceptions and can even alienate you from your community or church, especially if others are drawn into the reversal or support your abuser.

Being informed about DARVO can reduce its persuasive effects.  In other words, people who can spot DARVO are less likely to fall for it. Knowledge can act as a vaccine.

The next step is refusing to let it rewrite reality. Trump’s attempts to deflect responsibility and blame for the results of his tariffs are not just political maneuvers. They are calculated efforts to distract and confuse you. By exposing DARVO for what it is, we can ensure that his gaslighting does not win out over the truth.

Five ways to respond to DARVO

When you begin to recognize DARVO, you gain power. You may not be able to change the other person, but you can refuse to internalize their twisted version of events. Try these things:

Name it without shame.

Recognize that DARVO is someone else’s behavior, a tactic of self-defense and domination – it is not a reflection of your character. You are not “too sensitive” for noticing harm. You are not the problem because you “set some boundaries.” Naming the pattern is the first step toward clarity. “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them” (Ephesians 5:11).

Stay grounded in reality.

You could keep a journal of what happened and when. If possible, seek out a wise, safe counselor or support group that affirms your experience. You may also consider working with a therapist who understands emotional abuse. Truth-telling without malice is not gossip. It’s part of healing and it’s how we stay aligned with God.

Resist the urge to over-explain.

DARVO thrives when you start defending yourself. But you don’t owe a manipulator your constant justification. “No” is a complete sentence. “That’s not true” is a legitimate response. Jesus often refused to debate with those who had no intention of listening. You can do the same.

Define your limits without guilt.

It is godly to protect your heart (Proverbs 4:23). You are not responsible for managing another adult’s emotions, especially when they attempt to use those emotions to control you. Whether it’s a temporary separation, a clear boundary around communication, or removing yourself from a toxic church, these are not acts of rebellion — they are acts of obedience to your own healing and to God.

For the Church: Please recognizing and resist DARVO.

Too often, leaders and Christian communities are unwittingly complicit with DARVO. If the church automatically “stays neutral” or encourages the victim to reconcile before repentance, it reinforces the reversal and deepens the harm. Neutrality in the face of abuse is not peacekeeping—it’s injustice. Accountability is not unloving. Grace is not enabling. The church must be a place of truth-telling, not image management.

When someone speaks up about abuse or betrayal, our first response should not be, “Are you sure?” or “Let’s not judge.” Instead:

We ask them, “How can I listen and support you?” and “What do you need right now to feel heard, believed, and protected?We ask ourselves, “What does justice and healing look like here?” and “How can we hold leadership or offenders accountable in truth?”You’re not crazy, and you’re not alone

Maybe reading this caused you to recognize DARVO in your life. You may be the perpetrator or you may be the victim. You are not alone. If you are to blame, you can be healed and forgiven. If you have been abused, you are not likely to be imagining it.

If you have been abused, please don’t forget:

Your voice matters to God.Your safety and your capacity to say “No” and be heard matters.Your healing matters.

You do not have to prove your worth to someone who constantly rewrites your story to protect themselves and manipulate you. God is your witness and is the One who sees it all and stands with the oppressed and the voiceless. “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18) — even when you feel alone. Wisdom, courage, and the strength to stand are all available to you, too.

If you are a married couple and you practice DARVO on each other because you learned it from TV or the internet, please find some hope in the fact there are other ways to relate and you can learn them. You’ll have to let go of DARVO and very possibly will need to find someone to help you learn some new ways to love. But you can make things better.

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