One of the hardest parts of living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is the deep fear of being abandoned or left behind. For someone with BPD, even small things���like a friend canceling plans, a partner not answering a text quickly, or a loved one seeming distracted���can feel terrifying.

This fear is not just a little worry. It feels overwhelming and painful, and it often leads to behaviors that can be confusing to others. Let���s look at how fear of abandonment shows up, why it happens, and how Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) can help.

��Why Fear of Abandonment Happens in BPD

The official definition of BPD (from the DSM-5-TR) includes ���frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.��� This means that people with BPD often do whatever they can, including extreme behaviors, to stop people from leaving.

This isn���t about being ���clingy��� or ���dramatic.��� For someone with BPD, the fear of abandonment feels real and intense, like their whole sense of safety depends on it. Their brain reacts as if being left behind is an emergency, a life or death crisis.

Behaviors Caused by Fear of Abandonment

Fear of abandonment can show up in many different ways. Here are some common behaviors:

Needing constant reassurance

Sending lots of texts or calls to check in.

Asking, ���Do you really love me?��� again and again.

Pushing people away before they leave

Breaking up suddenly.

Starting fights to protect themselves from being hurt.

Ups and downs in relationships

One minute believing someone is perfect, the next minute thinking they don���t care at all.

Big reactions to small separations

Feeling panicked if a partner is late.

Melting down if plans change.

Testing loyalty

Picking fights or creating situations to ���see if the person will stay.���

Self-harm or threats

Sometimes, when fear feels unbearable, the person may hurt themselves or threaten to as a way to show their pain or keep someone close.

Example: Maria���s Story

Maria, age 26, loved her partner deeply. When he didn���t answer her text for several hours, Maria started to panic. She felt sure he didn���t care anymore. She sent dozens of messages, accused him of pulling away, and then threatened to leave the relationship herself. Later, when he reassured her, Maria felt ashamed and afraid he might actually leave for good.

��This cycle is common with BPD. It makes relationships like a rollercoaster. Fear of being left drives behaviors that can actually push people away, which then makes the fear even stronger.

How DBT Helps With Fear of Abandonment

The good news is that there is a treatment that works. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is the most effective therapy for BPD (Behavioral Tech).

DBT Outpatient Treatment

Outpatient DBT usually includes:

Weekly individual therapy to work on specific struggles, like abandonment fears.

Weekly skills group to learn coping skills.

Phone coaching to get help in the moment when emotions feel too big.

DBT Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP)

A DBT IOP is a more structured program for people who need extra support. It usually includes:

Several DBT groups each week.

Individual therapy.

A safe space to practice skills with others who understand.

DBT teaches skills that help with abandonment fears, including:

Mindfulness: staying in the present instead of spinning into fear.

Distress tolerance: calming down without acting on impulse.

Interpersonal effectiveness: asking for closeness or support without pushing people away.

Emotion regulation: learning how to lower the intensity of anger, panic, or despair.

Building Healthier Relationships

With DBT, people with BPD can learn to understand their fears and handle them in healthier ways. Instead of panic, fights, or self-harm, they can learn to ask for support, trust others, and feel more secure in relationships.

 

At the Houston DBT Center, we offer both outpatient DBT and DBT IOP programs. We help people with BPD face abandonment fears, build coping skills, and create stronger, more stable relationships.

Conclusion

Fear of abandonment is painful���but with the right treatment, it doesn���t have to control your life. DBT helps people with BPD break the cycle of fear and learn healthier ways to connect with others. Healing is possible, and stability in relationships can become a reality.

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