Sadly, I’ve hurt a lot of people in the name of Christ. More accurately, when I claim I’m furthering His mission but later discovered, when my thinking brain re-engaged, that I was actually working against His mission. And I’m in a strange place where I recognize the ugliness displayed by many Christ-followers while seeing myself in them. This happened again just the other day. While out to dinner with non-religious friends, they shared strong emotions related to a social media clip they’d watched in which an evangelist verbally wounded a college-aged rape victim.

Not wanting to receive second-hand information as fact, I went home and searched for the video. I never found it, but I did discover another, similar video that seemed to support our friend’s claims. Initially, I felt angry and indignant. Not long after, I felt convicted as the Lord reminded me of all the times my pride caused me to prioritize winning a discussion over protecting a relationship and my fear provoked defensiveness that prevented me from hearing the other person’s heart.

And sometimes still does. Each time a situation or conversation provokes a gut-reaction, I walk away with shame and regret. I suspect many of the Christ-followers I see fighting with others on social media feel the same. The Holy Spirit, our supernatural source of peace and love, resides within us, after all, inviting us to more consistently demonstrate the heart and mission of Christ who chose to die for the very people raising their fists against Him.

Jesus regularly demonstrated how to apply all of 1 Peter 3:15, which states,

“But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect” (NIV).

As a faith-based communicator, I’m comfortable sharing reasons for my faith. But as a recent Faith Over Fear guest so wisely stated the other day, how we share is equally important. And like I indicated at the beginning of this post, this is an area in which I want, and need, to grow.

Here’s how I’m working on this.

Practicing “the pause.”

You may remember this phrase from the graphics that circulated social media a year or so ago. I’ve combined this idea with what I’ve learned regarding neural plasticity. I’m practicing pausing for three seconds before responding in typical, low-stakes, conversations to dismantle the neural pathways in my brain that trigger reactivity while creating new, gentler channels more aligned with my core values.

The more I practice this in peaceful conversations, the easier it will feel to do the same when I feel more emotionally charged.  

Evaluating My Emotions

For years, I’d react first and process how I felt and why later. Obviously, this didn’t help me change my behavior. I’m learning, however, to recognize physical signs, like increased body temperature, an accelerated pulse, and a tight stomach, that indicate something evoked within me anxiety and fear. This allows me to seek God’s insight regarding the reason for my inner angst. Sometimes the root surprises me.

For example, a while ago an extended family member engaged me in a debate on religion. This person identifies as naturalistic atheist. Initially, the conversation felt pleasant and intellectually stimulating. Soon, however, my loved one became animated. Not hostile or rude but passionate. Unfortunately, the alarm center in my brain connected this with childhood wounds where caretakers became explosive and rejected me when I expressed a viewpoint contradictory to theirs.

Although I didn’t see the connection in the moment, once I prayerfully processed the situation, I understood my reaction came from past experiences, not the debate. I was then able to use this Spirit-led insight in future scenarios that threatened my subconscious.

Informing my emotions with relevant truth.

This is the Sunday school answer many of us learned in church. We’re taught to take our thoughts captive, to not let our feelings drive us, and to instead fix our minds on truth. But we want to focus on relevant truth. We need to understand our inner world, the lie stirring things up, and how it arose to refute it accurately and effectively. This includes more than reflecting on verses to consider evidence that contradicts our fear, such as the depth of our relationship with the person and their character and heart.

I want to be a peacemaker who accurately reflects my Savior and, through a perfect blend of love truth and grace, show just how good life with Him is. I recognize I still have much room for growth in this area. Thankfully, the Lord gave our brains the ability to change and fills our souls with the power to do so. I’m encouraged to know that the more I take in Christ’s love, the more His love will naturally flow from me, and the more I practice applying all of 1 Peter 3:15, the more natural it will feel to do so in the future.    

What do you find most helpful in regard to regulating your emotions and more consistently responding to uncomfortable discussions and events with love and grace? Share in the comments!