Be honest. Have you ever felt your walls go up when someone gives you feedback? Maybe your partner says, “You’re always on your phone,” or your boss points out a mistake, and before you even realize it, you’re explaining, justifying, or firing back.

You are not alone. Defensiveness is a profoundly human response. It is our nervous system’s way of saying, “I feel threatened.” But while it may feel like protection, defensiveness actually builds a wall between you and the people you care about most.

Let’s talk about why it happens, how to shift it, and how to give feedback in a way that strengthens the connection rather than breaking it down.

Prefer the audio? Listen here.

What Is Defensiveness Really?

Defensiveness is a self-protective reaction to perceived criticism. When someone says, “We need to talk,” your brain can instantly interpret that as, “I’m being attacked,” or “I’m in trouble,” or “I’m about to be rejected.”

That triggers the fight-flight-freeze-fawn response. You push back, argue, explain, or withdraw. The problem is that defensiveness doesn’t protect your self-worth or dignity; it protects your ego in the moment while disconnecting you from others.

Psychologist Harriet Lerner said it best: Defensiveness is the archenemy of listening. When you are defensive, you cannot truly hear another person’s experience—and without honest listening, there is a cap on intimacy, trust, or growth.

Why We Get Defensive

Some people grow up in families where defensiveness is modeled as normal. If your caregivers could not admit fault or always turned feedback into blame, you may have learned that defensiveness equals strength. In truth, it keeps us emotionally stuck.

Others become defensive because of old fears of criticism, shame, or not being “good enough.” Whatever the cause, it is essential to recognize that the behavior makes perfect sense and that you can change it.

The Cost of Staying Defensive

Think about what happens when you always defend yourself:

Your partner stops being honest because it feels pointless.Your friends share less because they feel you’ll argue.Your colleagues avoid giving feedback because it drains them.

Over time, defensiveness builds an invisible barrier around you. Truth cannot live in that environment. Without truth, connections are superficial.

How to Respond to Feedback: Say This, Not That

If your partner says, “You’re always on your phone,” your instinct might be to reply, “I’m not always on my phone, you’re exaggerating.” That response creates distance.

Instead, try:
“Okay, I hear you. Can you be more specific about when it bothers you? Can you tell me what would help you feel more connected?”

See the difference? You moved from defensiveness to curiosity and empathy.

Let’s look at a few more examples.

Situation 1: At work
Your boss says, “You missed key details in the report.”

Not that: “Your instructions weren’t clear.”Say this: “Appreciate you catching that. Could you share what stood out as missing? I want to make sure my next version hits the mark.”

Situation 2: With a friend
Your friend says, “It hurt my feelings that you didn’t call me back.”

Not that: “I was busy and you’re being kinda sensitive.”Say this: “I get that my not calling you back hurt your feelings. I’m sorry you felt ignored. Next time, I’ll be more specific about when I can call you back.”

Situation 3: With your partner
Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “When I’m talking and you’re on your phone, I feel unimportant. I’d love if we could have phone-free dinners.”

Small language shifts can create big emotional changes.

What If You’re the One Giving Feedback?

If you want your feedback to be heard, deliver it compassionately and clearly. Avoid words like always and never because they exaggerate and provoke defensiveness.

Try using I statements: “I feel,” “I need,” or “I notice.” Pair the feedback with a specific request.

For example:
“I was bummed when you canceled our plans without notice. Next time, could you please give me a heads-up sooner if something comes up?

This approach turns feedback into collaboration instead of confrontation.

A Personal Story

Early in my career, I learned this lesson the hard way. I worked as an assistant at a talent agency, and my boss criticized something I had done. I immediately began explaining my reasoning. He stopped me and said, “I don’t care why you did it that way. I’m telling you I don’t want it done that way, and I do not appreciate your defensiveness.”

I was mortified. I went to the bathroom and cried, but that moment taught me how crucial it is to listen before explaining. It changed the way I communicate professionally and personally.

The Growth Mindset Shift

Here’s the truth: Feedback is not rejection. Feedback is information.

When you replace defensiveness with curiosity, feedback becomes a tool for growth. It is data that helps you evolve, connect, and improve. Smart, emotionally healthy people seek out this data.

Being open does not mean you must agree with every piece of feedback. It means you are strong enough to hear it without crumbling or attacking.

Challenge Yourself This WeekWhen someone gives you feedback, pause before responding.Acknowledge what they said, even if it stings.Ask one clarifying question instead of defending yourself.Notice how your body feels when you stay open instead of reacting.

You will begin to see that defensiveness shuts doors, but curiosity and compassion open them wide.

Final Thought

The next time you feel your walls going up, remind yourself: This is not an attack; this is information. You can use it to strengthen your relationships and deepen your self-awareness.

And if you want to download the Say This, Not That scripts from this episode, click here—I made them for you.

And, as always, take care of you.

FAQ Section Why do I get defensive so easily?
Defensiveness often comes from fear of criticism or rejection. Your brain interprets feedback as a threat, triggering the fight-or-flight response. How can I stop being defensive in the moment?
Pause, breathe, and focus on understanding rather than defending. Try saying, “I hear you. Can you tell me more?” instead of arguing or explaining. What’s the best way to give feedback without sounding critical?
Use “I statements,” focus on behavior instead of character, and make a clear request. For example: “When you interrupt, I feel unheard. Can we take turns speaking?” Can defensiveness ruin relationships?
Yes. Chronic defensiveness erodes trust and emotional safety. Replacing it with curiosity and validation helps relationships thrive.