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On our honeymoon, the first time I went river rafting, I slipped into the middle of the raft. With a bit of panic in his eyes, my new husband reached for me.

“Leave her there!” The guide said as we went over some rapids.

I flopped around like a fish thrown into the bottom of the boat. Everyone’s legs straddled the giant rubber tubes, like when galloping on a horse. I struggled to peek over the sides. And when I’d try to heave myself up, gravity kept pulling me back down, as if the river was laughing at me.

I should have held on tighter like the guide warned us.

What is respect and what does it feel like in our bodies? How can we balance respecting ourselves while respecting others?

trailer with Marcy Syms

Every year in the Pacific Northwest, there are warnings about river currents and ocean sneaker waves people get caught up in. Our kids grew up learning to “respect the river” (and ocean) in an environmental way and knowing you can’t always predict or control what will happen. With this month’s topic of respect, there’s a broader playing field when extended to our relationships that I wanted to explore.

In the latest thought echoes podcast, Marcy Syms, social entrepreneur, philanthropist, and author shares insights from her latest book Leading with Respect. Marcy believes respect is a missing ingredient in today’s workplace (and in many of our relationships). She offers advice on what we can do about it.

There are many aspects to respect. Marcy emphasizes the importance self-respect, and to her, it precedes all other forms. Before we can be there for others, we need to recognize and honor our own needs and limits. Think of the advice about putting your own oxygen mask on first before helping others.

When I think of respecting ourselves, the first thing I think of is acknowledging our mind-body connection, especially when it comes to the impact of stress. Yes, there’s good stress, but often it’s bad stress that catches up with us. Stress comes from trying to control something out of our control. I think it’s important to respect stress, and not ignore it, like I did 18 years ago this month when I had a series of strokes. My husband said the days before my first stroke, I was so amped up, I was hard to be around.

Recently, I found a new review of my poetry chapbook, Transition Thunderstorms, in The Broken Spine by Alan Parry. Brought me right back to my strokes and subsequent recovery.

“Where Bonness excels is in making the clinical feel mythic and the domestic feel like a front line. The recurring thanksgiving with a side of no thank-you series is a blistering narrative thread that captures the surreal banality of hospital life … Bonness weaponises white space and silence, she forces the reader to pause, stutter, and reassemble meaning from the fragments.”

Stroke recovery was about letting go of trying to do so much at work. Granted, it was right before the 2008 financial crisis and businesses were in a frenzy with trying to meet end-of-year revenue targets. Most people had no idea what was coming.

My life’s teeter-totter weighed down all on one side. I realized how off-balance I’d gotten with work. Ignoring my stress disrespected myself and my family. On the positive side, my strokes provided a pause in time to let me tap into myself and learn the importance of balance, both physically and mentally. Of learning when to push and when to pause.

As Marcy says, once we are in tune with ourselves, respect for others begins with paying attention — the simple act of really listening. And not just waiting for our turn to talk.

Active listening involves listening for total meaning. Both the content and the feeling, often not picked up unless you become aware of nonverbal cues (e.g. tone of voice, facial or body expressions, speed of speech).

Psychologists Carl Rogers and Richard Farson defined the concept of active listening back in 1957. The goal is for the speaker and listener to gain a mutual understanding. For the speaker, to receive confirmation on what is being spoken, and for listeners to absorb an understanding.

There are many techniques to train your active listening skills. For example, resist the urge to interrupt (hard for me), paraphrase (not parrot), ask open-ended questions like: Could you elaborate on that? How does that make you feel? What are your biggest concerns? What support would help you move forward?

Setting boundaries in relationships is another aspect of respect that is also very important. Marcy encourages us not to think of boundaries as barriers, but rather as a framework for “mutual understanding,” at work and with family and friends.

In the morning while I’m writing and my husband catches up with the news, he’ll share something he read. It would take time for me to get back into my thoughts. It took me a while, vacillating between feeling frustrated and not wanting to cut him off, before I asked him to wait until after I’d finished. He said sure and almost always does.

Everybody’s different, with different boundaries. We all have them. We all cross them. Ignoring them doesn’t help. Judging someone for having different boundaries doesn't help. Sharing where yours are, and honoring where someone else’s are makes for a richer and more balanced relationship. Including with ourselves.

When researching the state of the world regarding respect, I found Nicole Krauss’s, “11 Reasons Why Respect is Important for Everyone,” helpful. “When you respect someone, you will spend time showing them gratitude. You have no problems letting them know how much better your life is with them in it,” Nicole says.

What could that mean for you? “When someone respects you enough to show how grateful they are for knowing you, you will feel as if you’ve made an impact on their life.  This may make you wonder if there are other people out there who feel the same way about you,” Nicole adds.

“Respect is circular. When you give it authentically, it echoes back stronger.”

***

Once we floated to a quieter spot post-rapids, my husband reached out an arm to help me back up, or did he pull me up by my life jacket? I can’t remember. I was okay. A little banged up and bruised (and red in the face), but okay.

We all depend on others, whether we like it or not. Sometimes there are moments in life when the current is stronger than we are, and our work is not to fight it—or rescue someone from it—but to respect it. I learned the hard way to honor life’s currents, and I’m grateful for my second chance while I practice setting healthy boundaries for myself and my relationships.

WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR COMMENTS.

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